I called a shelter today.

i'll be okay... i hope..

 

to lighten it up n have happy thoughts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvXJCkdCPrU

 

Trish... you need major help. I am not talking two weeks in some rinky dink clinic, but rather somewhere you can be looked after for a good 3-4 months by professionals, so you can get over the drugs and whatever else is troubling you. I am not trying to be mean or anything, but jesus christ already. If you don't do something soon, you're going to end up dying at a very young age.

 

what would u suggest for real? no joke. and why should i care about my life when i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and care more about the world then myself? im just one human. why should i be selfish n care more about me then the state of the WORLD? truly. if i could put my head around that... maybe id be okay. but when i see the world falling... and dont think im special, how can i look out for myself?

 

i fully expect to die soon. n the scary thing is... i care very little. i only care i couldnt have truly helped before i die.

 

i just dont get why i should care about ME when i am no better then everyone being hurt daily. Yeah go waste my time on myself? why? n how?

 

Dont make the mistake of forgetting that you are an essential part of the world. If you do not attempt to nurture and love yourself, you will not be able to properly love outside yourself either. Be healthy to create a healthy world for the people near you. You will always only be YOU and only you. You see the world through your eyes, and have full potential like anyone else. Not to take care of yourself is a waste to you and to everything that you could have done for others.

 

i realize that is tru.

that if i let myself die i cant HELP.

i just dont know how. Im hella depressed n mad at the world... so why should i care about me? or HOW? i cant do it. i want to. i really do... i just CANT.

 

on one side.. i think its noble that i realize selfish pride means little... that i dont care about ME and care more about others...

i ALSO realize ... if i DONT care about myself, how the fuck am I gonna help ANYONE?

ill die.

its tragic cause i truly don't know how to start caring about me when all i do is truly worry about the world. just knowing i should take care of myself doesnt help me know how to do it.

 

Go to the shelter, go back to rehab, then get a protection order against Dan if it's as bad as you say

 

This all rather reminds me in a way of Praxis' persistent analytical threads. There comes a point when you need to stop turning your brain over, and just start moving. It will feel better.

 

he doesnt put bruises on me. he did before though. when we were dating in like 2000 or 99... ummm i had to lose jobs n made him pay me for the lost work... he did it. for him doing that, i didnt call the cops.

they got called ONCE n i kept him outta jail. big mistake. he should be rotting in prison. i HATE guys that hit girls.

he stopped for a while.. to be honest, he pushed me HARD once when i was drunk n i got over my fear n beat the hell outta him. TRULY. i had enuf n fucked him up...

but for some reason he's flipping lately n starting it again. he WONT admit he has a problem. Its ALWAYS my fault. always. he'll deny and then be like "most guys wouldnt killed you" i DO love him n care but i shouldnt. truly..seriously. dont ALL abusive men blame the woman? that is NOT to say i dont have flaws. I have mad flaws. but him hitting me and scaring me cause he CAN is not the way to deal with MY issues... it's immature and so much more.. it's WRONG.

he's just getting worse tho and i feel SORRY i ever said he changed. i wanted to believe it.

 

truly I fucked up. i let him do this to me.

and i hate myself for it.

 

i used to minamalize this shit too. but fuck he HITS ME... then will deny it. what more needs to be said? he truly thinks he has every right to do so. it upsets me hella bad.

 

disclaimor
i will NOT do this
but
it makes me WANT (hella bad) to kill him. strap arms and fucking kill him.

 

pack your shit, drug his dinner, drain the bank account and get the fuck out...head to mexico and don't look back.

 

I HAVE to. Seriously. He always always always blames me..sure i deserve blame at times but he's insane. He TRULY BELIEVES that the fact that I fuck up... gives him a RIGHT n it's my fault.
i just wanna kill him.
i want to sooo bad.

i want to but i wont... but wouldnt he deserve it?

 

if it was legal to fight violence with violence, id mourn for a small dip for his soul n id never look back. i HATE him.

 

I wouldn't suggest killing anyone, I would suggest getting out though- today, and never looking back....seriously

 

I'm truly getting out. Scary as it is. And it's hella scary to me... I mean it.

I'll do it.