"I can't come into work today because..."

I've had one too many mountain dews.

 

...stubbed a toe

 

I'm putting together an earthworm farm...

 

my foot appears to be septic

 

Hungover and hungout to dry...

 

I've been drinking all day long, painting up the town, I done spent my whole paycheck just to honky tonk around.

 

Im collecting my POST WHORE AWARD TODAY!!!

 

I'm setting up a mammalian cellulose breakdown system, based on a mongolian desert rat.

 

I'm trying to figure out what in the world Born25YearsTooLate's talking about.

 

me too

 

Hobbes wants me to stay home with him.

 

"Michael" is holding me captive

 

drank a bottle of tire detergent, gots me all stopped up.

 

Someone glued my shoes to the floor!

 

Because Valerie loves me.

 

because
I'm walkin', yes indeed
And I'm talkin'
'Bout you and me
I'm hopin'
That you come back to me
Um-hmm

 

goin to disney world instead...

 

I've got a new juice extractor, and I have to learn how it works.

 

Fell outa the SkyScraper Outhouse, all banged up....

 

I was diagnosed with PMBS.
... Parasitic Monkey Bowel Syndrome.
They won't ask annnnyyy questions.