I Can't Deal With Myself Anymore

Hello MayQueen,

Sorry to hear about how you are feeling. It sounds like you could be eligible for federal disability benefits. Sometimes I think it takes a while to get this, but you may want to apply.

I think that most hospitals have a financial services department that can tell you if you are eligible for federal assistance. You may be eligible for free care or medicaid.

I think that there almost certainly are benefits available to you. If for some reason you can't get benefits, I think that if you go to a hospital emergency room and tell them that you are feeling suicidal (whether that is the way you feel or not), I think that they may be required to give you inpatient care. They might try to bill you after the fact, but if you don't have any money, you can't pay, and I don't think that they'd be able to get the money from you in court (don't know for sure, though).

So professional medical treatment sounds like the best thing. There are some things that you could do on your own that might help. If you are using recreational drugs, I would recommend that you stop. A lot of people may temporarily feel better using drugs, but I think they make things much worse in the long run. Marijuana in particular can deepen depression and increase anxiety. I'm saying this from personal experience, not something second hand. I think if you are healthy and you use drugs occasionally, it's not a big problem. If you get high everyday, have underlying health problems, or are using drugs to self-medicate, it's very easy to screw yourself.

There is a book called "Treating Depression with Chinese Medicine" by Bob Flaws that may help. You might be able to find a copy in a library, but it is fairly rare. A library might be able to get it for you through ILB.

I'll try to describe a few things from it. Getting a 1/2 hour of gentle aerobic exercise every day (or at least 5 days a week) can be helpful. An hour a day (if possible) of deep relaxation can help. This could be meditation or listening to a relaxation tape. I think that most new age bookstores will have relaxation tapes/cds.

As far as diet goes, I would agree that avoiding wheat and dairy might help. I would also say stay away from sugar and processed foods. If you've had trouble sleeping, staying away from caffine would be helpful. Fresh, cooked, whole foods are generally good for most people. The things that I'm describing here come from traditional chinese dietary therapy, and I think they are useful. This therapy recommends against eating anything raw or consuming anything that colder than room temperature. I know that there are different dietary philosophies out there, but my personal experience is that this is very helpful. A small amount of beef liver may be helpful to you (maybe an ounce or two per serving, a couple times a week. You can get a larger quantity, cut it up, and then freeze until you are ready to cook it). Beef liver is fairly cheap. Ideally try to get the high quality stuff, organic would be ideal but hard to get. Traditional Chinese dietary therapy recommends against eating liver in the spring, though (I know, it all sounds pretty far out, but I've found pretty much everything in traditional chinese medicine to be right on).

There is an incense that is called "eagle wood" or "agar wood" that is supposed to be helpful for depression and anxiety. I think that it is hard to find though. It is also used as an ingredient in traditional chinese herbal therapy.

There is an acupressure self-massage which is described in the book. It's too complicated for me to describe all of it here, but I'll try to tell you about a little of it. So just before you go to bed, you massage the point at the center of the top of your head with your finger, moving your finger in a very small circle. This point will probably feel a little warm or sore. Making one hundred circles is best.

You might also find something like yoga, tai chi, or qi gong to be helpful. Acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine would also be helpful, but probably too expensive.

Watching some funny movies and generally having some good laughs can be helpful too (please, not at someone else's expense, though).

Making a list of all of the things in life for which you are grateful, and thinking about them can help. I know that finding anything to be grateful for can be difficult when you are depressed, but meditating on these positive and worthwhile things can actually shift your mood (it's been proven).

I think one of the other posters metioned some free group therapy. It sounds like you already feel like talking is helpful, so certainly persuing this sounds like a good idea. If you have free local calling, talking to your friend that has similar problems on the phone might be a way that you can communicate while maintaining a safe distance. I think that most calling plans have free local bundled, but if it costs $10 extra a month, it might be worth it if you talked to him a couple hours a week.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you. In any case, I hope that you feel better soon.

My best wishes are with you. (originally I also said "prayers", but I edited it out so you don't think I'm a born again Christian. I guess the pc hippy translation would be "sending you some positive vibes", but it essentially means the same thing.)