I cut myself last night

Wow lily, you didn't strike me as a cutter in the least. I see this subject in two extreme lights:

1.) It's your body, do whatever the hell you want.

and/or

2.) Why not just completely decapitate all your limbs? Don't do no half ass job, go the distance!




Sorry if ne1 gets offended.

 

Point two shows that you do not understand the relief that it gives some people - they do the minimum amount of damage that they can and still get the relief. Point one I tend to agree with.

 

i wouldn't call myself a cutter, i've only done it twice in my life (or very close to only two times) but i feel i can relate to the situation... obviously there are lots of physical effects from cutting, but there are physical effects to lots of other negative ways of dealing with problems... eating disorders can fuck you up much worse and more permanently than scars on your arms.

it might be a good idea to ask ppl who torture themselves why they don't kill themselves... or maybe not. if the person is on the verge anyway, they might just realize they have nothing to live for and go ahead, and if they're far away from ending their life maybe they'll realize how awful and unhelpful the torture is to themselves... bleh i don't think i'm making much sense... but cutting off your limbs does what? provide you with less space to cut? the cutting isn't about getting rid of your limbs, it's about getting rid of emotional pain, and so not having any arms or legs would probably do the opposite... the logic isn't really there, but in the mind of a depressed or mentally unstable person it all makes sense...

blehh... i'm gonna stop now, i feel like i'm talking in circles.

 

I put my fist through many a wall over the years. I guess that was my way. I drew blood a lot too.


omg I'm a puncher

 

i broke two knuckles that way. oddly enough, i felt way better than i did when i was cramming food down my throat until i choked or threw up.

 

i had an ex who would punch walls... that scared the shit out of me though, specially when it was a result of us arguing.... *shudder* thank god he never used that fist on me

 

I'd be willing to bet that's why he did it.

 

i cut for about a year when i was in middle school. i'd stab myself with a pencil in the bathroom at school instead of getting mad at stupid girl bs. sometimes i'd drive a safety pin through my thigh and pin it shut and just leave it there for a little while. it hurt like hell but i felt like i deserved it. i developed at a really young age and by the time i was 13 i was sick of all the comments from other girls and the boys my age. i felt like i must be ugly or somehow not deserve to have breasts and pubes and stuff. so i'd stab my tits and purposely cut myself shaving off my pubic hair. the scary thing about it, looking back, is that i did this for a good 10 months or so, and nobody ever said anything. i always hid my cuts in places nobody would see, like my breasts or my inner thighs or someplace. its so sad really, because the whole thing was a huge cry for help, and i can't imagine what would have happened to me if i hadn't gotten scared one night in the shower because i wouldn't stop bleeding. i guess the whole thing just goes to show that there is way too much pressure on young girls to look a certain way, and its definatly very negative in its affects.

so please insomniac... dont do this to yourself. trust me, as someone who has been through every vice imaginable to try and "fix" something that was never broken to begin with, i can promise you that nothing feels as great as knowing you could turn to these things, but realizing you're strong enough not to.

 

that's not good

 

I wasn't going to reply at first...in fact, I wasn't even going to come back here to these forums. I was going to kill myself the night I posted this thread.....a lot of things have been going on in my mind....I don't really know if I'm crazy or not, but I've hearing and seeing a lot of messed up stuff....it keeps me up at night, I haven't slept all night again, I know that's not the best thing for me right now, but fuck it, I'm too scared to sleep. The other day I was feeling especially down though, and I started to talk to the voice in my head. And the strangest thing happened: an eye opened up before me. And then it was in the sky, watching me. I felt like it was sucking me in, at the same time I felt like my body was being crushed under a great weight...the eye.....just looking at it, and having it look at me gave me a great feeling of relief and joy....could this be god? I thought to myself. I don't want to think of it as just another hallucination...nor do I want to think of it as being something evil, that it's trying to drag me back down to the dark places I've been for the past few months. I've thought like that for too long now, and when I started catering to these forces, I started to feel like everything they said was the truth: that I was evil, that I deserved to be alone, and that noone would ever truly love me because I wasn't worth the breath that was in me. It's hard to change my thinking on this matter, because I've been in this frame of mind ever since I was a little girl. My parents used to beat me, and I don't think I ever truly recovered from it- in fact, I haven't even tried to think about it until the past couple of years....I'm scared of that voice though....when I saw the eye, and started to feel better, I could still feel it down in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to be sick, and it was flooding me with all kinds of "what ifs"...there are too many what ifs and not enough answers....
I don't know where to go from here.

 

Go and see your doctor, he can help sort some of these thing's out, it might seem scarey but it wont be. Nobody is worthless, seriously go and see your doctor even print of what you have said if you dont want to tell him it yourself. good luck xXx

 

My friend's parents saw the cuts on my arm and threatened to kick me out if I didn't get help....*sigh*
They did mention that Hillsborough county has some sort of free mental health program...

 

They shouldn't have said that - thats wrong, if you think you need that sort of help fine but unless you are ready to say that you are they cant do lots for you. I really hope you are feeling better soon though xXx

 

I talked to my roommates the other night, and they told me that I've been a bit moody these days......I didn't even notice it.

Bleh, I don't want to be in class right now, I'm still feeling kind of down. I hope I don't have a mood swing and start crying in the middle of class...

 

Having had, in my youth you understand, somewhat of a temper. I think you can get to a point that the safest thing you can hit is a wall. However, I also think that FreakerSoup is correct - some people se it as a threat - see this could have been you. I think the difference is that I tended to go home where I was alone before I hit anything. On the other hand, maybe that does not make any difference. I never clamed to have a lot of insight (grin)

 

wow insomniac... thats crazy... but again, I do kno how if feels. About a year and a half ago, I started seeing things and hearing voices. There was this woman that I always saw who would never let me be. Sometimes she was pretty and looked flawless and other times her lips had been torn off and so I could see her gums and they were bleeding. she used to talk to me and i would get so caught up in it. Not very many people know about that either, but it all changed when i moved away. i think it was honestly jus the stress and pressure i was under that made me hallucinate. That might be whats wrong with you or you myte have something seriously mentally wrong. I dont kno what else to say but i suggest maybe going and seeing someone.

 

Can I assume by class that you go to college? Because I think (maybe?) that most colleges have free stuff like psychiatrists and stuff. And while we at hipforums can undoubtedly point you in the right direction, a professional is really the way to go.

And stop thinking you aren't worth anything. 'Cause you are. You're worth the air you breath, the blood that circulates it, and every single cell in your body. Not only that, but you're worth the space you take up, the ground you walk on, and the food you eat. You're worth a lot, as it turns out. I think realizing that will make a huge difference.

 

I think the idea about the collage health service is the way to go - they have seen it all and are not going to be judgmental like a small ER might be. In addition, you have to remember that the world needs you. Who knows what you will become or accomplish. You could be the one to fix the whole mess the world is in. Alternatively, to write the book that inspires us all. You just never know how you are going to turn out. On top of everything else, I cannot spare anyone to talk to.

 

I agree with this. I know it's hard to think of the future when your feeling so down, but later in life it is really hard, especially on hot summer days to feel ok wearing short sleeve shirts that reveal the scars. It's like an announcement to anyone with eyes "I'm a lunatic" - or at least that is how many will interpret it. Then if you always wear long sleeves people will wonder why; what are you hiding; is s/he a junky - stuff like that.

It is really best to find another outlet. A good one may be woodcut printing or carving - as long as you have enough self control not to turn the equipment on yourself - you get to express yourself through carving with a sharp object. You can say anything you want. Even just painting huge paintings in various shades of red might help.

I'm just saying this because I used to cut and now I'm a mother with two young children and am finding it impossible to hide the scars from the parents at my kid's cooperative nursery. I'm afraid they don't want their kids around what may be percieved as a psycho. It's sad but true that this is one of the last frontiers of predjudice that is still acceptable. People are afraid of what they percieve to be crazy people. My friend is having troubles and offered to give me her petting zoo business, but I realize that I would not be able to do this because it is mostly in the summer and when parents saw the scars on my arms they would gossip and probably say they don't want their kids around me. Unfortunately I had to decline mostly for this reason.

Seriously - don't cut your skin. There are other ways to relieve pain, express yourself, scream for help, express despair and hopelessness or whatever else you need to do.