I think I was raped

Exonerated? Where did you get *that* idea? Being exonerated would mean the person excused of rape was *not* at fault while I clearly only said she *may have* shared a *small part* of the blame. Did you read my post or did you only read the one line you quoted?
This is exactly why I rarely bother to state my point of view; most of those who think a woman is never, ever, can share any responsibility can't seem to see the difference. I didn't say it was okay for the guy to take advantage of the woman but there *may have been* (depending on details we don't know, like how drunk he was and what was the history between the two of them) mitigating circumstances here.

You could say it was not a smart thing to do, yes. I will freely admit that when I was raped, it was not a smart thing to ride my bicycle on that barely-lit country road at 10:30 PM. That doesn't mean it was my own fault I was raped, that doesn't mean it wasn't rape, and in an ideal world I would be able to walk or bike there at any time of the day or night without any trouble. However I'm well aware it isn't an ideal world, I was aware of that when I did it and I still did it. I'm not laying awake at night blaming myself -I've had very little problem dealing with it- but it was a stupid thing to do. I've also had my bicycle stolen once when I ran in to a store to grab a coat I'd forgotten inside and left it unlocked on an inner city street. That didn't mean it wasn't theft; but it *ALSO* meant I was stupid to leave it that way. And yes, *of course* I reported both rape and theft immediately. Anyone who still thinks I would not have done so 'because it was my own fault' hasn't understood a word of what I've written.

 

two things first one i am a man two i apologise i have not read all the posts as many of them made me sick. i will say this i have gotten drunk before, i have gotten VERY drunk before, i have gotten HORRIBLY drunk before and although may sexual inhibitions may have been lowered and my animal instincts began to pump i have always known what is appropriate conduct around women. sure i may say something dumb and get laughed at i may sumble or vomit but in that situation i dont care i how drunk i was, i would still know that it would not be an acceptable action to take.

and the guy was her best friend for christ sakes if she should have been able to trust anyone it's him.

as far as the people saying it was her fault they are confused, sure she SHOULD have taken better care of herself for her own wellbeing BUT when it comes down to it the final decision that caused this havoc was made by her friend NOT her. it is his fault
he drank HE CHOSE to take adavantage of someone else who had also too much to drink. she drank and she chose to go to sleep. tell me who is the wrong doer?

 

Cool - a Thread abounding w/Clairvoyance...

Anyone w/a hot Stock tip?

 

Let this serve as an example to show you that drinking is going to mess your life up. Second, have the courage to go talk to him and may be you should confine this to someone you do know well... I do not mean your friend who was watching you as you did it. I mean some one who is wise enough to understand the intracacies of this situation.

 

"I woke up and I found that the one guy that I thought was safe enough to invite over had his tounge down my throat and was having his way with my body."

Right there, that's rape. End of story if all you're worried about is trying to define this situation and see if it conforms to the definition of rape. But there's much more to this situation, and some of you who are trying to assign blame may not realise that you're doing more damage than discussing what can be done to prevent this from happening again.

Autumn, you are right to consider yourself raped. But you are also right to wonder what you could have done to prevent the situation from happening. This does not meen that it is your fault. This meens that you have to realise when you're putting yourself in a situation in which you risk being violated.

The man should also be talked to. He may not realise what he has done, which creates risk for other people. He should be informed so that he can begin to deal with it. That is what I say as a former violator, although not in anywhere near as severe a sense as this.

Legaly, I do not think that it is necessary to see a medical doctor, as some have suggested. I believe that the only utility in that is for evidence of sexual intercourse, which your other friend can testify to anyway. There may be trouble in court. I am not an expert. Go find a lawyer if you decide to go the legal route.

But please, find someone to talk to. An internet board is not enough.

 

Please Autum do not talk to the guy until you have spoken to a professional. As someone said, an internet board is not enough.

Your just feeling of being violated needs to be processed with the help of a professional. A doctor or a rape center will get you in touch with the help you need.

You do not need to worry about teaching your attacker that what he did is wrong.

You are right to feel violated, angry, and what ever else you are feeling. Please see a professional who can concentrate on you.

 

Mike, I agree TOTALLY with everything you said. It is NOT up to Autumn to confront her attacker, in fact, it could be dangerous, both emotionally and physically, to do so. It will also NOT help her healing in any way.

Thank you for your wisdom and kind post to Autumn.

 

sorry this happend to you-- you shouldnt drink with people you cant trust or know. This is how most women are raped. Its really sad I think everyone i know has been raped or molested in some form. What is this world comming too? I was raped in a gas station bathroom by a homeless man.

 

same thing ahppened to my best friend- twice- i heart goes out to you- you should rent kids i think you could identify its a great movie, but technically yeh i think you were raped- and you should definately talk to the guy- but what i dont understand is why your friend was mad at you- how has the guy been acting towards you since

 

You added a great perspective to this thread..

Alcohol may impair judgement, but I have yet to hear anyone using being drunk as a defense for rape, murder, stealing or whatever else. One stills know right from wrong when drunk, and they don't go around smashing their parent's house, or beating on their best friend. Unless those violent instincts were in them before getting drunk. Imo that guy raped her because he intentionally wanted to do it. End of the story.

 

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I don't think here's a need for studies or research to back up what is common sense. Or maybe I'll rephrase it with a question: how many people get drunk in this country at any given moment? And how out of all them, how many end up raping their parents, posing bombs at school, or killing their puppies? That's your answer to my statement that people do know right from wrong even when drunk.

I'll give you another example to bring it home : Would a 'hetero' guy try to get it on with his best male friend when drunk ? The answer is most likely no, because it was not in their mind to do it sober. Alcohol does not change a person's mind or turn them into a sudden monster. It does not make a man a rapist. If he did touch her without her consent, it had to be an act that was in alignement with something he would have done sober had he had the 'perfect' opportunity.

You're just as sure as I am

I give an opinion based on the facts presented to me, you don't have to agree. I don't see how he did not intend to touch her and felt somehow compelled to because of alcohol. Again, had it been his mom, his best buddy, a kid, or a dog laying next to him he would not have put his tongue down their throat. What he did was rape.

Also, unless he can step up to the plate and admit it to himself, he's putting himself and others at risk of doing it again. And I'm not even saying he's a monster and that the mistake he made is unforgivable..but he needs to confront his value system, cause it's not something a guy without prior issues would do.

 

I'm curious what is the basis for your statements?
Where's the proof - backup/studies/research?

I disagree when you're claiming them to be True for all Folks that become intoxicated.
Some Folks - maybe.
All Folks - no way.

Are you claiming clairvoyance when stating the guy's intentions?


These Forums are chock full of Clairvoyants - it's one of the most amazing things I've ever Witnessed...

Edit:
Other Equally Amazing Things:
The Reading comprehension deficiencies' magnitude.
Junk Science/off the wall garbage/Personal opinions being presented as 'Common Sense'/Facts.
Misapplication/ignoring of the Scientific Principal in postulating Theories.
Translation:
Folks absolutely/completely/totally w/o a Clue Posting otherwise...

 

The guy raped you whether he was drunk or not. You were asleep. End of story. If he was so incapaciated he wouldnt have been able to do anything anyway. So he knew what he was doing at some level. He took advantage of you. He has no excuse.

I havent read all of this thread (yet) so if I am just repeating others' posts, Im sorry. Sorry babe, for what you've been through.

 

A couple months ago, I would have said this was her fault for not being in control of her drinking...not anymore. Recently the same thing happened to a VERY good friend of mine, she ended up having a pregnancy scare. This scenario hits home. No woman should EVER EVER EVER have this happen.

What this guy did to you was TOTALLY wrong. You shouldn't even have the word "think" in the title of your thread...you WERE raped. The fact that you went to brush your teeth and went to BED and didnt say "yes" to this makes it rape. Even when a man is intoxicated he still has his sense of morality. This guy is a rapist to begin with, drunk or not. He obviously wasn't that drunk because he knew what he was doing at the time. Slap his ass with charges. I would like to see scum like him dragged out back of a building and have 2 put in his head... I'm kind of ranting, but thats how pissed off I am. Re-evaluate who your friends are, because a friend wouldnt do this to you.

I'm so sorry you ever had to go through this.