I'm gonna be late for work because....

A jedi did mind control on me,

 

I'm busy trying to rescue Balqis from the dark side jedis. Should be in by 10, 10:30 at the latest.

 

I was stuck half way up Ben Nevis andthere were no taxis

 

I hope Ben enjoyed that.

 

I was supposed to assassinate someone on my way in, but their bus was late so I had to wait.

 

A beautiful girl with green eyes wearing a keffiyeh attempted to assasinate me so I'm running a little late.

 

I had to destroy everything in my wake

 

I was born a Ramblin' Man

 

my drawbridge just wouldn't open this morning, its a little rusty

 

i haven't finished laminating my hands yet.

 

had an argument with some guy name Gabriel , he kept insisting I was pregnant!

 

I need to get a ride back over across the River Styx. The boatman keeps insisting it's only a one-way trip but I swear it must be some kind of mistake.

 

I was told to take my family and flee to Egypt, but the flea wouldn't come

 

because a witch put a spell on me and right now i am a frog and i can't reach the door handle

 

I just shit a brick, and it fell on my toes and broke them because my feet are back to front.

 

because i'm a ghost and i can't remember the coordinates to get there by teleporting.

 

I was advised to clear all my dept with one easy payment, so I bought a shot gun and blew my head off.

 

my morning wood wont go away

 

I'm a sitter, not a doer.

 

a motorcade for a funeral has parked right in front of my house