lets talk about....

I had a dream I met Soaring Eagle at a bus station in Toronto last night. He was kickin back drinkin' a brew and I showed him hair follicles. He finally agreed that it wasn't correlated with damage. He then started talking in broken sentences about different types of LSD he had eaten throughout the year. I politely backed away until I reached a large group of police who I realized were waiting for me to leave so they could arrest him. Don't know what for, don't know what it means, but it certainly was strange. After that I met my sister and brother in law at a bar but that part isn't nearly as interesting.

 

btw, isnt it sad that I've only joined yesterday and I'm already dreaming about you folks?

 

Fuck me im bored. I've managed to organise a whole day of not having to do anything and now I feel guilty for not doing anything. I should probably go to the gym but I can't be bothered. I just want to smoke fags and eat. I should probably make something, but probably can't be bothered.

 

Don't worry, you're not the only one!

 

i didnt. i actually put my notes away =D i shall do more tomorrowowow. maybe.

 

mewww, I need advise. Or something(?)I had a very best friend called Michelle. The type of friend that never left your side, that had the same thoughts, feelings and sense of humor.
Well, I thought I did. She was a lil messed up. Drank a lot, had crazy parents and had sex w every decent man in town! She got pregnant, had an abortion and it messed her up even more. I was w Rance(my husband).Were so in love and together and were trying for a baby.
I think she found it difficult, we had our lives sorted and hers was a bit of a mess. So last May a month after our wedding she went to NY w some other friends promising to call me/email me all the time and she had flights back a couple days before my due date.
The first few weeks she was calling me non-stop. She was not getting on w the girls she was over w. And didn't like NY.
Then she met a man, a guy from Ireland and 'fell in love'. I stopped hearing from her for ages till the day before she was due to come home she rang me to tell me she wasn't.
I was upset, I was scared of becomming a mother and wanted my best friend to be w me like she promised, or at least keep in contact.
I had Riloh, had family and friends around me and was happy and getting used to being a mama which is a huge change! But Michelle wasn't there, I didn't know where she was as I hadn't heard from her in months and from what I knew of her it soo wasn't like her.
Months went on and finally I got a call, telling me she was engaged to Des. The man she met. She told me how sorry she was for not keeping in contact but didn't have a reason for why she hadn't. She promised again to call me every week. But again I didn't hear from her till, now!
I just got an email saying:

how is everything with you my love???
how is Riloh et Rance,, give em a big 'ello from me..
happy birthday Lux,,xoxooxoxoxoxoxo (",)
i hope your doing fabulously,,
me- i'm kayyy
this big apple dream just aint doin' it fo' me anymore,,
me and des have been through the dreaded "rough patch"
were doing fine now,, but being so far away from friends and family is really
taking a toll and i just lose it sometimes,,
my emotions are just all over the place,,
im sorry i dont want to dwell,,
can you e-mail me your address???
i sent a little something home for you and the boys
to your home adress but they sent it back to moi...!!! tres rude,,

lindsay i know im rubbish at this contact stuff
i really would love to see you face to face
so many times ive treatned to go home get a cool
crib in the big smoke..
i hope everything is going good for you at home???
still doing art & being fabulous i hope..
Riloh is just adorable,,
im so happy for you & rance

I don't know what to do/say. This isn't the Michelle I knew! We were unbeilievably close and that email is just so un-remorsful(?),vague and distant.

sorry this is soo long, but I'm just confused*sigh*

 

I know this'll sound cold an' unremorseful hun but sometimes cats change, I've had alot of "friends" who've made changes for the worse in the time I knew them. Best thing to do is write her and giver her encoragement, tell her you miss her an' that she'll always have a place if she decides to come back, sounds to me like thats what she needs right now, love, an' someone to lean on, even if it is from across the country. Thats about all you really can do I think.

 

It's hard to say, not knowing anything other than you've just said... but speaking as someone who can be a very good friend bordering on the obsessive, then switch to total self-absorption... sounds like she is maybe just having to figure herself out at the moment. Is she the same age as you? Early 20's yeah? It can be like a second run of teens, only a lot more complicated. I know the feeling of so desperately wanting to keep in touch, and saying I will, then somehow just not, despite wanting it... so if she says those things I'm sure she means it. Just be as good a friend as you can in the circumstances I guess.

Dunno if that helped at all...

 

i know exactly how it feels, apart from the motherhood bit.

i had a best mate during school, and she had her heart set on goin to col and being a vet and whatever. we finished school, i went to col, she went to a diff col, and then dropped out a few months later.. got shacked up with some guy and moved to dudley, and they were 'engaged'.. and then she cheated on him with his best mate, and got together with him, and then they got engaged.. he's a complete bastard.. druggy, beats her, lying scum.. ive met him a couple of times, and shes totally head over heels with him, but she cant understand why everyone hates it so much.. she completely cut off contact with her family and friends.. she'd only contact me when she wanted something, and i dont have her number, so i cant contact her to see how she is etc.. one day she turned up with bruises and scratches all over her face (i think they were self inflicted, the scratches looked like claw marks), there was blood on the outside of the car (she'd been coughing up and spitting blood), her bloke had been in trouble with the cops, she'd done drugs and it had really messed her up.... to sum up (ramble ramble) shes not the Sammi i know & love. i dont think i ever want to bother with her again, i dont think i ever wanna see her again.. its harsh and sad that its come to that, but i dont know what else to do about it.. i cant contact her, she wont contact me... i was supposed to be her bridesmaid and her maid of honour on 2 separate occasions... gah. i dunno.


from what you said lux, it sounds like shes at least trying to get in touch with you like? but im kinda in the same situ.. i dont know what else to say, and i feel like what ive said isnt ganna help you at all......

 

its interesting lux, to see how people change and what they go through, i have realized throughout my lifetime with gaining and loosing friends, that no matter how hard you try, you cant change people. only they can change themselves, and sometimes it takes a lot for them to realize their mistakes, then they learn from them and learn what to do in the situation if it comes up again. and it sounds like that is where you are with your friend, you almost want to fly over to NY, give her a smack across the head and tell her to come home and get her life in order. but even if you do that it would be up to her to actually take action. my recommendation is to tell her that you will always care for her, no matter what and you will always be there for her. in time she will come around, maybe this whole experience is her chance to mature and realize some things? the only thing you can do is reassure to her that you are always going to be there for her no matter what. i hope this helps.

 

thankyou for all the replies! so strange how people change and come in and our of your life. Only two weeks ago I rekindled a friendship and it feels good but it's not the same as it was. I just don't know when enough should be enough. I trusted her over and over and she has let me down a lot. I mean, becomming a mother is such an intense, emotional time. Well for me it was, definitely. You just want and need as much people around you as possible.
The friends that were here were and are soo great. It's strange, the people I didn't think would be around that much or even care that much have totally surprised me and are such rocks in my life right now. And I was expecting her to be that, and she's the one who let me down! I don't wanna come across all 'me me me' though. Her mum and her had a crazy relationship, her mum beat her up when she went home and then tried to make it up to her by paying for all her rent and giving her loads of money to buy whatever she wanted.
She didn't need a job cuz her parents just gave her whatever she wanted. It was messed up. I do miss her but I just don't think she's her anymore. I feel like I miss something that will never come back so I've just gotten over it. But then she writes me again.
I'm in such a different place then I was when we were best friends. We spent our days making art, drinking and dancing! I can't do that anymore. I don't want to anymore either!
my sisters said I should write back in a few days and not 'jump' on the chance of being friends again by telling her how much I miss her etc. If this had been a few months ago I would have told her to please come home. But now I just wanna stay gaurded because this could just be a phase and I don't wanna put myself out there just to be let down again.

Smelly: it's so odd isn't it?! I've never believed in the sating 'everything happens for a readon.' I mean it just seems like a way to brush everything under the rug. I mean, obviously there is a domino effect to whatever we say and do in life but it doesn't mean that there is some perfect reason at the end so we can all sigh w relief and say, 'thank God I got beaten by my ex as now I'm here and happy and know so much more'. I think thats such shit. I've seen so many amazing people just fuck everthing up. So many people who could have done soo much w their lives: talented people, funny people, people who were so happy. Then they just change and it leaves them, it's wasted. I for one want to make the absolute most out of everything.

 

"I trusted her over and over and she has let me down a lot." same with me and sam.. we were besties, always together, always had our inside jokes, always perved on the techy at school haha

"I've seen so many amazing people just fuck everthing up. So many people who could have done soo much w their lives: talented people, funny people, people who were so happy." again.. thats sam. she had EVERYTHING, she coulda done anything.. but she threw it all away and fucked herself over bigtime..

tbh im past caring about sam.. and it wouldnt surprise me if her mom contacted me saying she'd died because of abuse/drugs/faulty cars/suicide. it really wouldnt

 

i dont drink at all
havent since i was 19
havent touched lsd since 20
only been arrested once..for conspiracy to shoot the president, all cause my idiot neighbour made the worse designed fleyer for a protest of all times. and i happened to have it in my pocket.
oh wait, no, was arressted one other tiime, for turning an abandoned fireghouse into a homeless shelter. the very same cops who arressted us were a week laster forced by the mayers office to help us to do the same thing we were doing at the firehouse but at a abandoned bar and hotel a few blocks away.

in my old neightbourhood every cop was on a 1st name basis with me, when theyd be looking for the luitenabnt , john, theyd come ask me if id seen him, theysd all smile and wave when they went by and john and otheres used to bring us veggies out of theyre gardens and stuff, and brought us a door for the adobe oven wed built.
i think your dreams must be influenced by some of these negative lies being spread. thats all i can guess.
since theyre so far off from reality.
i do admit i did a fair bit of lsd for just about 3..maybe 4 years but gave that up a long long long time ago, and i couldnt take it now if i wanted to, which i dont.
with a spinal chord injury, any psychodelics, evcen the tiniest ammount have severe physical rwezctions, spasms so bad they try to throw me to the ground, its very painfull when every musckle in your body is jumping wildly
its not a pleasant experirence at all
the only 2 timnes id attempted anything at all was peyote sweat lodges twice, veery intence sweats (and because of my injurty, i dont sweat either, so was extra dangerouse)

now today, i see alotta kids in the psychodelics forums encouraging eachother to take larger and larger doses, like its a competition, an ego thing and im always catching shut when i posted there for enciouraging respect and caution and starting with much smaller doses. ive even seen idiots encouraging the use of the most deadly one of all, dutura, which ive always said should never ever be touched, (exceopt oossibly under the direct supervission of a shaman)
one of the most amazing women i ever met came stumbkling into my tent one night having no idea where she was, or who gaveher what, she still doesnt know who gave it to her 2 years later.. now she handled it better then any1 i ever heard of at tye time, but, the following year her mental state got worse and worse and worse
i talk to her all the time stioll, but havent seen her since that week because shes been in and out of a mentasl hospitol ever since.

im pretty much against the recreational use of psychodelics in general, unless given great respect, and really find it absolutely rediculouse that in these forums ppl are encouraging 15 year olds to take large doses, and spend the time tripping watching spongebob cartoons.

even though i came out against the overuse of psychodelicvs and was strongly against all other drug use (except weed) i had to stop posting there entirely because i was constantly getting im's about do u think these extpills are good (which id always respond, no, no extacy pills are good, extacy is not good at all) or do u know where to get rc's (i dont even know what rc's are and never would touch them) and so on.. it became a daily thing so i havent posted anything there in years.

and finaly, if i ever was gonna get arrested it would hafta be cause they changed the laws and made laziness illegal
im too lazy to break the laws (except i do smoke weed, maybe 1 bowl a week.. and ive had cops give me way more then that, cops dont give a shit if u smoke weed)


if ya been here just days and your dreamming bout me u need a life even more then i do..lol

no offence

 

*one of the ones wasting everything and trying not to* Don't give up hope on us!

 

I know, I'm just waiting for the call where Michelle tells me she's pregnant. Even after she had an abortion, every weekend she was having unprotected sex with randomers.
I think her bf is dealing over there and defo think she's on hard drugs. I just have no other explanation as to why she's gone so crazy! Michelle has always been so easily swayed. I left college when I got pregnant and realised the college was pretty pointless (a degree in painting can get you nowhere you can't get yourself!) and she followed me, leaving too even though she was doing metals which teaches you how to make jewellery. You need that degree if you wanna get into that buisness!

 

lux, i misseedalotta this convio and dont have time to go back and read it all now, but ive seen ppl go through some really freaking crazy stages like that. getting into serius trouble, not caring, becomming extremely depressed, taking meds for the depression that made it worse (abusing the meds taking too much cause it helped em sleep) multiple suicide attempts multiple pregnenciesd (2 aborteed through rapes and severe beattings) then she finaly had a kid and straightened out, got married and really pulled her life together,
point being ppl like this need a hell of alotta support
and that has to be strong suport. gentlye but strong, tell it like it is no sugar coating, not to be mean but to shake them awskand make them see sence
but when it comes right down to it, they need a reason to care, a reason to changethats outside themselves or within a reason to care about themselves.

they will also make alotta excuses, "im just having fiun, im just being wild" whatever, but they come home beatten and abused and wanting to od to deal withthe crap u know they arent havbing fun, they just dont know how to break out of the patterns theyre in..or understand why they do the things they do.
ivce dealt with it alot
be i=understanding but firm
a good freind risks the freinsdship to save the freind

 

If your dreams generally reflect reality, you've got a problem.

And as for these negative lies, I really don't know what your talking about. If your talking about the negative lies you spread about several dread maintenance issues then maybe, but I don't really know.

As for dreaming about my experiences throughout the day, I thought that was fairly normal, and since you clearly are the most memorable person from this forum it makes perfect sense that you would be the first I dream about.

 

school just isnt for some people, like you, my best friend and my dad. my dad is one of the best at what he does and he never graduated high school. me on the other hand, i dont think i could just leave high school and work, to me college is more than just more advanced school. its an experience on living on my own and slowly being weened from my home and family and entering into the real world, i like being organized and having clear path in doing something. after i get out of college i know that top aerospace companies will be asking me to work for them, so i have options after i get out of school and by then i will be ready to live on my own.

 

hmmmm
just read the 1st post
this umm rough patch
and the fact that shes not seeming like herself or keeoping in contact
my very 1st impressuon is the guy shes with..is bad news, a control freak, cutting her off from all her freindfs, changing her personality, possibly even monitoring who she contacts and what shes saying.
that would explain the vagueness, shes not able to really say wwhats going on.
i think shes hinting at wanting to escape..if u read between the lines.

sorts like whst i was getting at in last post that was way off not knowing enough details (srry for that)
every other sentence is a mixed signal, things weere badm things are good, im happy here, but i dont like it herre
shes desperate for help but afraid to admit shes gotten in too deep.
she doesnt want to apear weak, or like she cant handle it.

my best freind for many many years fern went thriough the same,
fern got involved with this girl who really screwed her up, cut her off rrom all her freinds, pretty much made her give up her life
and noone heard from her fore over a year
i finaly saw her one day, she broke down in tears immediately we had a good talk and she got rid of the control dfewk like a week later and has been doing great since

im not 100% sure thats the issue with your freind,but ive dealot with it ebnough to have a reasonable suspicion that it is..
the signs are all there.
the sudden loss of conmmunicatioin practicly the day they met
the seeming change in personality, especialy in how she seems to choose her words carefully to keep it as meanningles and neutral as can be
and i think the few times she did risk con tact it was out of sheer desperation, hoping youd see through the vagueness and see shes in trouble
i think if u write back, with a few blunt awnd to the point questions u will get the truth in 12 form or another,.
the answers may be vage again, with hidden hints..or she may be too scared to reply..or if shes abloe hopefully she'll just come out and fill u in on whats really going on

if its wrong, if things are really going ok, then shed just come iout and say it clearly, with no vagueness no hints hiddenbetween the lines shed just go on and on aboit how wonderful things are.

i think shes a girl whos always been seeking trouble in somew way for some reason, and i think shes found it and doesnt know what to do now
if im right..she was taking a risk contacting u at all, and its a cry for help.
do u know her family? her freinds? has she been in touch with them?


hey..i know ppl everywhere..i can have a freind in ny drop in on her and talk to her in person, maybe feel things out for ya if u want if u can get a address or somethubg.
it might take a lil bit to find a email or something for 1 of my freinds there..but i know alotta ppl there so im sure i can find some1 soon, but i was thinking of 1 person in particular
actualy..im 90% sure i can get in touvch in a few days if u want.
shes a healer and i think would know how to feekl out the situation.

 

ah ok, no offence meant
\just guess u got here a day too late to miss all the psycho dramma some creeps claiming i was involved in some rediculouse illegal actrivities, it wass all lil funny and pathetic..

it is lil funny tho, i mean when traveling round the country if we're ever pulled over and they ask "do u have drugs on the car" id usualy say nah we'te all out, ran out hours ago, why ya got any to spare?" they usualy smile and laugh and it never goes any further then that ..like searches or anything..but on rare occassions they'll go grab something from theyre car and say..here uya go, just stay safe and send us on our way

the only ilegal thing i ever do i never try to hide it, or act like ive done anything wrong at all, and they tend to respect that and most dont care if u smoke ss long as your not smuggling pounds or anything.

when we turned the crack neighbourhood into a safe community garden one night a retired fbi agent came and smoked us out for hours and hours and had the most interesting stories..he tyhen took us to a lot around thre corner where he used to grow tobaco..and weed..while he was an fbi agent
he hid the weed between the tobaco plants, and had it growing right alongside the road in the middle of the city
with just a makeshift fence around it that would fall over if u leaned on it.
he did that hoe 8 years
around here weeds practicly legal cause the cops just dont wanna be bothered enforcing unjust laws.
they ignore it
way back when..early 80's i guess this old rasta named apolo took me and a freind to his neighbourhood to buy weed
we get there, and the blocks empty except for a police car in a empty parking lot strewn with garbage.
apolo walks right up to the cop car and handsthe cop some money, and the cop hands him some weed.
ok that was lil bit surprising to me at the time, never thoight id see anything like that.
but then, looking in the back seet i see hes got 2 hookers in there.
the cop wasnt just selling weed, but was pimping too.

this was a dark age of police curruption here, where cops routinely took off theyre badges, forcing ppl to let them in thweyre houses, then theyd ransak the house looking for anythijng without warrents or probabnle cause.
it was maybe a couple years before the bombing of the move house\
wgich all resulted from cops stomping a pregnant woman till she miscarried and stuff like thyat.
then they went on to burn a house full of ppl alive, refusing to put out the fire till the entire block was destroyed.

lotta times cops are more criminal then the criminals they put away