Marriage and Porn

Why would you stop? Do you think it's a good idea to validate this kind of idiocy? Educate her out of her ignorance, instead.

 

I didn't offer to stop nor have I really apologized for it. I've merely apologized for hurting and offending her, not for fapping to porn.

I want to educate her but how? There are so many articles out there blasting porn and saying ruins marriages, blah blah blah... She even told me to ask my female friends how they would react to the same situation. I don't want to do that because I think it will embarrass her by me basically telling my friends that my wife is a prude. I predict the answers would be mixed with at least some saying they don't care about porn and husbands.

 

An update:

We had another talk about this. Our relationship is really really rocky right now. But I learned a few things. My wife's problem with porn is not that I masturbate, its the fact that I use porn. She apparently finds all kinds completely offensive and revolting. This is a big problem, because I don't share this view nor can I really understand her opinion. I love her dearly and I want to somehow understand.

Also, I found out something I never expected in or 14 year relationship. My wife does masturbate herself. I always thought she was so low sex drive that she got everything she needed from me. But now she's saying she actually dislikes sex with me. Double blow to the ego... But I don't understand because 99% of the time when we have sex, she appears to be both ready to go (wet pussy) and orgasmic after I eat her out. If she's ever faked it, she's good at that. I had no idea! Especially because once or twice she has stopped me and just said it wasn't good an she was done. Fair enough. I figured every other time it was good! We've even had oral sessions where at the end she squealed with joy and told me how good I was. Lies? Faking? I think not!!

We're both working things out individually and as a couple. But I don't know how I can possibly make the porn thing right. How can I say I'll never watch porn again while at the same time not getting sexually fulfilled from my wife? If my wife wanted to have sex every day, I assure you porn would not be an issue, but that is not the case. But she has this total aversion to porn and the fact that I watch it is something she is not ok with. I hope she can look past it or learn that its not really that bad and, mainstream porn at least, is not generally degrading to anyone.

How can I improve my sex with her? I guess some of it is mental (on her end) but there has to be some mechanical problems. We've been together 14 years. I can't think that there is anything I haven't tried to help give her pleasure at this point. I'm lost!

 

Even though you said you didn't lie to her and I believe you....she may have felt lied to because you didn't tell her.

But seriously, for her to walk out/divorce you over that... it seems pretty hard to believe that it is really over porn. If so, she def has issues.

 

Just read your new post. Hm, really I have no idea. I have been married for, well, it'll be 11 years in Sept. and my marriage is totally different. It would take A LOT for me or my husband to leave each other.

 

From what I can understand, she thinks if I have the time to spend looking at porn, I should have the time to bring more romance, affection, love, etc... into the marriage. I don't spend much time on porn. Its there. I use it when I need it. And I move on. I admit, I'm bad at the romance, but I have always been. Nothing new and she knew who she married.

I'm just lost. In the past arguments we've had, there has been something tangible I've been able to change. But I really cannot honestly tell her I would stop porn, because I will not stop masturbating and I need the porn to do it. This is a biological need tht is bigger than me. Its not drugs or alcohol. Its my own body. Its free. It hurts no one, not even myself. Sorry, but my imagination isn't good enough (maybe 20 years of porn has killed it) but I need the images. Now... if my wife supplied those images, I would use that! But she has made it clear in the past she's not interested in nude pics/vids of herself.

 

Hm, yea, I mean.. I think she took it way overboard. Well, back a (long) while ago my husband didn't tell me he looks at porn (which he said/says he doesn't often but I no longer care at all about it) and I ended up walking in on him once...and then saw stuff left up on the screen and the one time....well, it's a long story but let's just say I had just had a baby and COULDN'T have sex because you aren't supposed to right after you have a baby, right so... I remember being bothered then. Because... I felt like... he was thinking about other people instead of me when you know... he had just seen me have a baby and all.. but the thing is, I realized pretty quickly that it had nothing to do with me or anyone else... just a bodily thing because I couldn't sleep with him and to help relieve all the stress of a new.crying baby and all. I just remember taking it personal at first... and I remember saying to him that if he had time to do that he should have been trying to do SOMETHING with me instead because I could still do other things. But anyways... I got over it pretty fast. Watched some stuff with him after that (which we pretty much ended up laughing through a lot of it because it was so silly) but in any case... I mean I look at porn sometimes...so why should I care if he does? But yea I had to tell myself... he's not sleeping with someone else, you're being silly. But even tho, in that situation, I was initially offended.. I never would have thought of divorce over something so silly...

 

It sounds like the biggest problem is a complete lack of communication on her side. It sounds like she has been dissatisfied for a while but instead of effectively communicating this she pretended everything was fine. She probably has a lot of unexpressed resentment and the whole porn thing brought it to the surface.

You mentioned she wishes you were more romantic, that she has a problem with porn because she wishes you would use the energy you spend on porn and put it towards romantic pursuits. I really don't think you should shrug this off with "she knows the man she married." It sounds like she is finally communicating with you. She values romance over sex and this is where her real dissatisfaction lies.

I'm not a huge believer of changing to suit a romantic partner, but I think in this case you should really weigh the benefits of trying to be a more romantic person - your relationship improves, she will feel appreciated and valued, this possibly improving her libido - versus not changing or paying attention to her desire for romance - she continues to feel like something is missing and her resentment continues to build.

I really don't think porn is the real issue here, I think she has probably been unhappy for a while and porn is serving as the catalyst to express her frustration.

 

Meliai-

I think you are exactly correct. I agree and I know I have to ramp up the romance. But, to my fault, I've been told this before by her and failed. And now I think she has no confidence I can do it. And yes, the porn may have been a catalyst. But even still, she was incredibly upset at the notion of viewing porn. I want to add romance. I want to come up with a personal plan so that I don't fall into laziness again and that I can keep it up forever.

But she may never let me if she can't either get past the porn or if I can't figure out how to live without. I get myself off maybe 3-4x a week and, in a good time, sex with my wife was 3x a month. As you can see, I have a lot of unfulfilled physical needs. Lets just say we can find happiness again and I can learn better how to have sex with my wife. Maybe we get going at twice that pace and go to 6x a month. I think I'll still need to supplement... I don't know how to get past this. Maybe its an addiction. Maybe its just something I like to do. I don't know.

 

Wow. I feel sorry for you. Your wife is really mean to say she doesn't enjoy sex with you. If my husband said that to me, I'd divorce him. What's the point of being married if you can't enjoy sex with your spouse?

I would ask her if she wants to save your marriage or not. IF she does, then she needs to come clean and be honest with you. IF she feels you lied about watching porn, then she told an even BIGGER LIE by pretending to enjoy sex with you. That's actually unforgivable in my book.

What does she masturbate to? (ASK HER) I read erotica and sometimes use my imagination. Where does she get her ideas? Does she not realize men are visual, which is why Victoria's secret exists? Porn exists? All the ads on t.v. for men have sexy (sometimes scantily clad) women for a reason.

Women read erotica/romance and men watch porn. I've seen one or two of my DH's and I'll take the erotica any day of the week!

If she claims that you're not satisfying her, then she needs to show you exactly what will get her there. If she refuses to do that, then I guess it's over. Hope she will come to her senses.

Maybe she's lying about you being a bad lover to hurt you. IF so, that's pretty low of her. Like I said, that's unforgivable in my book.

 

I don't think its an addiction. If you had sex daily and masturbated to porn every day after sex, this would signify an addiction. I think you simply have a high libido and need porn and masturbation to make up for what is lacking in your sex life.

I don't think you need to be the sole person to make changes. If she cares about saving your marriage as much as you do then she needs to meet you in the middle. If you're willing to put more romance into your relationship she should be willing to open herself up sexually.

Its a tough situation with no easy solution. I feel for ya.

 

Today I told her I would try and give up porn. I can't promise her success but I said I would promise an effort. Her response was further that she thinks I'm addicted. I have a PhD in a science field, i understand what addiction is but I also know it comes with denial. I don't know if I'm denying it or if she's overblowing it. I'm wondering if this is a time in life where its ok to lie. Tell her i understand why porn is degrading to women and that I'm done with it. It took her 14 years to figure it out, I have no doubts. I could hide it again but better.

 

It isn't fair to ask a person to change. If you aren't romantic, and I've never met a man who was, then that is that. You can do some changing, but that will be short lived and unnatural. In a while you'll be back to your ways, to who you really are.

You should tell her that. It's as if you'd ask her to change, too, to be more sexy, or something. She is who she is.

I wish I could change some things about myself, or that my husband of 20 years would change some things, but real people aren't like Internet entities that are all perfect and can just change when they decide they should.

She finds porn degrading and it is. But why would she assume she has the right to impose her views on you? That's just wrong.

Look, I'm not for war. I've put up with a lot to stay in my marriage, because I love my husband. But avoiding the issue won't help. A conversation should be really honest talk. If I can deal with the things I deal with, it's because at least we can talk openly about them. Talking doesn't solve the problem, but it makes you feel better.

Giving in to unreasonable expectations isn't a solution, either, and it only makes the lie go on and get bigger. I personally can live without a lot of stuff, but not without the truth.

When she told you she wasn't satisfied about sex with you, she was being vindictive and mean. If I had to go on a wild bet, my bet would be that she wasn't lying. It isn't because a woman is having orgasms that the sex is good. Women, just like men, need more than orgasms to be happy about sex. But the fact she's never told you so before, but has chosen the porn incident to bring that up, that's tantrum.

Tantrum. You're talking in two levels. She's behaving like a child and you, I'm supposing, is trying to behave like an adult. Communication will only bring some relief if you force her, by behavior and argumentation, to be at the same level you are.

Anyway, communication won't solve your problems, but will resolve the crisis created by the porn incident.

In my humble experience, lots of guys fuck like... guys. Some women, many of us, wish you'd fuck like characters of a book. We don't get completely off the dream of once, at least once in our lifetime, being the princess of that prince.

At the beginning of a relationship, we find excuses for our men. We don't see the real guy, but a better version, one painted by our loving imagination. With the years, it gets harder to ignore the prince is actually a frog no kiss will transform in the version we're really interested on.

Men also fool themselves in other ways, I suppose, like fooling himself it's love, when it's only financial desperation and a clicking body clock.

Gosh, I sound negative. It's just to get the point through. The point is that she isn't being fair. She isn't happy with you, but you also aren't happy with her. There are good things and bad things in all relationships. That's real life.

Her ideal man, which isn't you, would hate porn, find it degrading, and make love to her like a madly in love character of a day time TV movie. Your ideal woman would wanna fuck you everyday, send you hot selfies and initiate sex.

If the two of you can talk about that openly, and live with the idea those perfect characters (the romantic guy and the hot woman) don't exist, you can move on. It won't solve the intrinsic problem, but it'll solve the crisis.

Good luck.

 

Wow Just, your response is so... spot on! I love it! And I did accept her low sex drive years ago. Hence all the porn! I never asked her to do more than she wanted to do. I do understand how porn can be degrading to the woman actually in the video. But how does that translate to all women? I don't treat women badly or expect my wife to do a single thing from porn. I fantasize about it, but I know its not reality.

I do accept her as long as she doesn't lie to me about sex. But why can't she accept me???

 

Andy, I think your situation is not that uncommon and try to be prepared for what you may not expect or understand.

To you porn is “no big deal” and in your mind you are just compensating for a lack luster sex life in your marriage, from her perspective she just found out that you’ve been beating off to porn for who knows how many years. So to her it’s a shock and she’s acting on pure instinct and as strange or absurd as it may sound to you in her mind it’s a form of cheating on her. Yes I know I know it sounds nuts, but that’s what’s going through her mind whether you think it’s right or wrong or sane or not, that’s what’s going through her mind.

I know at this time you’d love nothing more than to get defensive and give her a piece of your mind and state what to you is obvious, which is a big reason you masturbate to porn is because you have no sex life in your marriage. However tread very lightly on this as it’s going to make a bad situation worse. If anything make sure she understands a few basic things such as, you’ve never cheated on her, you’re not fantasizing about orgies or multiple people (even if they are a turn on to you far as watching pornos) and just let her know it’s an outlet and means nothing to you emotionally. Again this is real tricky stuff as she doesn’t view / understand things the same way you do, so what’s obvious and simple in your mind is hurtful and complex in hers.

What’s the end all solution to this? First get past this initial shock. You mentioned there are other things in your marriage helping to contribute to this. To me this sounds like a textbook case of your marriage is in a lull, it’s not terrible, but it’s not exciting. You feel physically neglected, she probably feels emotionally neglected, nothing is very exciting and you guys are just more or less going through the motions. This is the real problem. This is what’s affecting your sex life and is what is at least contributing to it being as boring or as absent as it is. And I have some bad news for you, it isn’t an easy fix… And even more bad news is it’s pretty much up to you to try and spruce things up, why? Because you’re the guy… Marriage isn’t easy, some might argue it’s not the natural to stay with just one person. I’m a married man with kids, so I know what you’re going through. Marriage is all about ups and downs and as you both change a little bit as things move along and you enter into different stages in life. It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily mundane stuff. You’re already married, so the hunt, the excitement, the thrill of the kill is long gone.

So what’s the solution? You’re going to hate me for saying this but you have to really think about what makes her tick and try to make her happy. I’m not talking about buying her jewelry, I’m talking about things that show her you really care, and I’m not saying you don’t. But bottom line you have to rattler her cage in a good way to show her how important she is. And not just one thing but get into the habit of doing this. Think back to when ou were dating, you constantly did things for her, went beyond, tried to impress her, made her feel special. That stuff naturally tapers off when you get married and becomes a conscious though process whereas before it was second nature or subconscious. If you re-ignite that fire with her in turn she should become more happy and it should come full circle and will pay dividends back to you. But it has to be organic on your part, genuine. Not just Hey I took you here so let’s jump in the sack. Keep in mind its easy for me to say and list these things but I have to constantly remind myself as well as it’s not easy to keep that fire alive, especially with all the complexities and confusion of daily life, etc… Good luck!

 

Just A woman and Kingwilly....wow awesome info. You two hit the nail right on the head and having been through two divorces from stopping trying if I could turn back time I'd kick myself and get me going.

Turn her on but don't touch her....that is the info an ex GF told me and once I started working on that it made a huge difference. She might have a low drive and you might have double the drive but if you get her going her drive might pick-up.

Not saying you have to push porn aside because you can't change a part of you but you both need to stand up and work on it. You stand up first and start trying and she will follow.

 

Thanks that is all good advice. And I think now that the initial shock has worn off, she's realizing porn is either not that big of a deal or something she can't control /change. Either way, we agreed to work on all aspects of our marriage and even jumped into the sack together on sunday. Too bad that was immediately followed up by her time of the month. So even though I've been porn free for about 4 days, that might change soon as I am feeling horny and she's unavailable. I tried to make it very clear to her that porn is just a means to an end, has no emotional connection to me, and something I always have easily separated from real life. Hopefully thats good enough on that front. As for other emotional needs, I'm working hard to rekindle that and make it a routine. Thanks again for he advice and support!

 

I don't like porn but I don't care if my guy watches it. Who cares!?!