marriage failing

Judge you? Condemn you? That's a bit dramatic.

You have aired your dirty laundry in a public forum and invited people to comment on it. If you can't handle that it won't all be positive, keep it to yourself.

 

Actually, you're wrong Vanilla Gorilla, there is enough information out there that does point to the fact that kids do learn a lot about relationships based on how their parents handled their own relationship, taught, and explained what a relationship is to them.

Now this doesn't predetermine that the kids are going to make the same mistakes in their own relationships just because their parents did, in fact the opposite could occur and the next generation could avoid the pitfalls the previous generation suffered through.


Also I'm not gonna judge calgirl either, that's not my job. She's a grown woman and is responsible for herself and knows the rights and wrongs of her life. I just hope she self-identifies and corrects her mistakes and becomes the person she wants to be in the end of all of this.

 

I'm handling it just fine.

 

Good luck with everything calgirl!
Just because calgirl had an affair doesn't make her a bad person, my mum cheated on my dad and their now getting married in May!
Many of you don't know her entire situation, so any judgements can still be wrong.

 

Calgirl, I wish you all the best moving forward! I imagine it was a hard conversation to have.

 

Monogamy is part of Christian culture, we as Humans, are not by design, Monogamous, unlike Swans, i doubt if anybody out there doesn't actually think about cheating at some stage during a relationship. I remember how psychotic i got when an ex cheated on me, then i sat back and had a think. The guy she cheated with was much better looking than me and probably had a bigger dick, i got over it, its all about the food chain and who sexually rocks your boat. In other cultures being Polygamous is perfectly normal and its not called cheating, so my philosophy now is "so fucking what" there's nothing inherently wrong with fucking other people outside of a monogamous relationship, rather than cheating i'd call it enhancing. All calgirl is doing is enhancing her experiences, if her Husband thought the same and enhanced his own experiences, maybe they could have found some common ground and still been together and happy....who knows....

 

I hope that this opens new doors for you. If it makes you feel better, my husband ignores me 5-6 days out of the week except when we have sex....figures. Good luck to you!

 

Then why stay? Don't you think you can do better then that?

 

We have a baby and promised each other to never leave each other for her sake, right now anyway. Oh don't worry, I get my fair share of action when I need to.:devil: I can do better for sure but the baby makes things a little tricky. Oh, plus I am from a family of old school catholics that look down on divorce, I just don't feel like hearing them bitch at me! I just hope Calgirl gets thru it.

 

Curious VG, how many kids have you had/raised?

We have 6 ranging in age from 12-29.

Children imprint parent-child relationship dynamics in the early years and it effects and molds the type of relationship they will have with their own children.

Children imprint spousal/mate relationship dynamics later in life, during the pre-teen through the teenage years, that in turn shapes the type of marriage/relationships they will have.

 

All that is very true Nox. And also true is that long-married couples produce offspring that experience divorce. And early-divorced couples produce offspring that have long marriages (me). Probably even more significant is the relationship that opposite sex offspring have with their parent. I would like to say that my daughter will seek a mate that is healthy for her because she has a solid relationship with her dad. As well, I hope the same for my son.....whom has a good relationship with me. We've been able to build these bonds by being in the same house, and keeping things as continuous as possible. Even with my announcement to my husband, it could be very likely that I'll remain in the house. It was very important to me that I be transparent to him that I didn't see any hope that we could rejuvenate the marriage.

 

Okay I can understand that! It is hard when babies are involved. My kids were much older then that when my ex and I finally gave up trying to pretend we had anything meaningfull together. Best thing for all of us including the kids was ending it. Now they at least get to see one of their parents happy and in a strong loving relationship.

 

It's going to be a long 18 years haha But, lets see if things change, I'm always hopeful. Perhaps it is just a phase. I've known him since he was 10 years old, it would be a shame to have it all fall apart now. But, like Calgirl, sooner or later, a choice must be made, no matter how much it sucks.

 

And I want to point out that it's only part of Christian culture because of what Rome instituted when they mixed law with Christianity.

I should point out that the Christian faith, originally, IS hypocritical here when it forces the doctrine of one man for one woman, because that came from the Roman empire, not from scripture. This makes sense too since the NT has a problem when it cites the OT prophets as good examples in certain chapter versus, while at the same time having more than one wife, while at the same time teaching monogamy only. Once you remove the "monogamy only" false doctrine, that's one less hypocrisy the bible has.

 

I didn't post what I did as any type of indictment against you, rather just to point out that once again VG is talking out his ass.

My only "thought" concerning your situation is that you mentioned multiple affairs. In my mind when you seriously considered beginning the second affair is when you needed to tell hubby it's over.
I can understand one affair, I could forgive one affair, but multiple affairs, that's a different ball game.
Just my opinion.

 

Hi calgirl, I'm back to wish you well again and send you a fresh "shipment" of friendly hugs. I wish you a lovely day and that happiness and peace happens to you and all members of your family.

 

Why is that exactly?

Its not like there is going to be that much variation - I'm bored, he's bored, we've run out of shit to talk about, sex is crap, the kids didnt end up working for NASA, surprise surprise teenagers dont listen - how dare they make their own choices - its like they think its their life or something

You do realise you gave me a link that quotes DHHS statistics that in sole perp cases of child abuse the mother is more than twice as likely to be the offender

"These statistics show that the majority of reported child abuse cases occur at the hands of a biological parent.

40.5% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological mothers
17.7% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological fathers
19.3% of child abuse is committed by both the mother and the father
6.4% of child abuse is committed by the mother and some other individual
1.0% of child abuse is committed by the father and some other individual
11.9% is committed by someone other than the parents
3.1% is committed by an unknown or missing perpetrator."

Hmmm, ok, so 6 kids over 17 years, which on average is one every just over 3 years, which is more than a two year gap.

When you put your kids in primary (grade) school its very important they are put in with kids the same age and around the same height and/or development, the teachers know this, they know why, its kind of in the textbooks but not really spelled out, wont really tell you or discuss it with anyone because with pretty much anyone else it can be used to take advantage of them....but basically more than a two year gap is a big no no. That rule applies in school and pretty much everywhere else in life....except the home situation.

So roughly when your youngest was two, your eldest would have been 19. The youngest three would have been pretty much raised by the older ones, eldest is too old, so most likely the 2nd and 3rd.

So those parent-child dynamics you speak of, more likely to occur between the 2nd and 3rd eldest and the younger ones

If either the 2nd or 3rd are female then that would mean, (again roughly) a 16 yr old or a 13 yr old left sometimes by her self to mind younger children. 8 - 13 year old especially is a bit of a red flag.

If 2nd and/or 3rd are male one would have a more noticeably centered temperament, and thats the one thats the real father figure to the others. I dont say that to say you arent, but think of the movie the Goonies, having adventures together that sometimes turn scary, who do you cling too?

I'm assuming you have a mix, there are at least two girls in there. So as for the youngest two, if either of them are male and he has at least two older sisters. Its not just what he learns from the sisters, but then how he applies what he has learned to all the girls he's going to school with.....well then, you might want to sit down and have a talk with him, he'll be able to tell you a few things about the female of the species you have yet to work out .

Sorry to sound like a dick, but thats how it really works. Playing parent as a kid, you do most of the grown ups role, but you also see all the stuff they dont do around grown ups as well. Yes one of your kids knows more about parenting than you do, even if they are yet to have kids. And yes, one of those sons knows more about chics than you ever will

 

:smilielol5:

yup, talking out your ass again.

 

I thought it only fair I suffer internally with my unethical and deceptive behavior. It doesn't exactly suit me. Yet, things had become quite desperate. I would have never thought I could be such a person.

Oddly, he is acting as though he is relieved. Maybe he's glad he doesn't have to be a husband anymore.

 

I'm sure he is relieved that it is settled, for good or bad, it's no longer up in the air.
He can now progress with his life knowing that you will no longer be in it in the same capacity.
I know I would certainly feel relief knowing rather than not, even if it did hurt like hell.

Calgirl, please understand that I'm not condemning you, I'm just airing my opinion as a husband and how I would feel.

Lord knows I have plenty of broken windows in my glass house, so no stones from me