Marriage is failing-Help

Well, I'm sure she gets a lot of pity due to her illness (not that she shouldn't). However, the caretakers often become to unsung heroes who sacrifice a lot.

Give yourself some space. Carve out some time in the day to be alone and do things that you enjoy. I think that this might benefit the both of you. You can detach from the situation and reenergize, bringing a more positive attitude.

I would talk to your mother in law. Isn't there another person who can lift some of your wife's burden of care? Could you have a nurse come in a few days a week and care for her? What about getting her an apartment in assisted living? Your wife ought to be concentrating on building up her energy and getting well. What is her prognosis? Getting minimal sleep and working hard can not be helping her situation.

The sex thing is understandable. She doesn't owe you sex, and you might have to wait for her to get well. Sexual disinterest can be the side effect of many medications and the product of sleep deprivation and stress. There are a lot of things going on in her life, I'm sure sex has taken a back burner. Have you talked to her about it? How important is sex for you? You appear to believe that it is very, very important. Nothing wrong with that. Depending on how open minded your wife is, would she care if you had sex outside of the marriage? I hate to suggest that, since I know that it would bother me, but this issue is far from black and white. I have known people in a similar predicament, and it worked for them.

 

Thank you all for your responses. A little more info about my situation. I play in a band and am out of the house at least once a week. I support and love my wife. We are exactly the same in many respects. Stubborn and will work till we drop. We understand each other. Sex is not the only issue going on and the problem with sex is with me, not her. She wakes me up at 2am to make love, since she doesn't sleep. But again, many times it just doesn't work, since I do sleep..
I work daily to keep up the thoughts that her moods and such are because she is sick, it just gets over whelming after 5+ years.
It is getting harder to maintain those positive thoughts. She has so many medical issues that I just can't keep track of most of them. Our time together alone is usually very brief and I am finding myself not able to perform with that kind of pressure.
I do not get pity (If I do, I don't pay any attention to it) for anything from my wifes needs or issues. It is part of our life together. Sickness and health thing.
I am highly devoted and so is she. Yes, she would do the same for me and I would probably act the same as her if our roles were reversed.

 

She is dealing with a lot of hard things right now. Maybe when she's not taking care of ailing parents then she can have sex with you. But it seems if she has cancer -why don't you see that and want to take care of her?

 

Did you not read the post right before yours?

 

I agree. However, I think the cheating is a huge slap in the face. I'd hate to know that if I got really sick and it became stressful on my husband that he'd just say "Okay, I'm going to fuck other women now." I'm sure that dealing with her in his day to day life is hard but it doesn't give him a free pass to betray her like that.

 

Gotta have communication with her about it. At least you know she still has a sex drive and wants to have sex with you. But her behavior in the home is turning you off. Was she always this way? If not, its likely due to the stress she's under. If thats the case then she needs better coping mechanisms. If she starts being able to process her stress better she might seem like less of a monster around the house and thus more sexually appealing to you. Try talking to her.

Is she in any counseling? Seems like something she should consider given the health issues she's facing. I know that would be extremely hard to face for anyone and I would probably need to talk with someone outside the home as a release. Maybe a counselor would help her soften up?

 

I hope you didn't think I was advocating him cheating on her. I'm not sure if I said something to make you think that but I would never suggest that.

 

Three words: weed and Viagra

 

Wow OP, compared to all the other shit people post on this forum, yours is definitely a much deeper issue. Illnesses, and especially serious illnesses bring on some really hard times and test peoples patience to the limits. Yes you and her have been dealt a really hard hand to play. On the one hand she is battling cancer, which in itself is catastrophic. Then on the other hand she's also tending to her grandmother which sounds like another full time gig. And then in the midst of it all she's trying to tend to you and your kids and play housewife. It's a tough and hard situation. So its no wonder she blows up at the kids and your sexual life is in the toilet. Again it's the hand you've been dealt.

Seeking advice of a situation like this from an online forum is not the answer. Yes we can offer suggestions and our sympathy, but ultimately this is just a long hard road that you and her need to travel and it's going to test your very mortal fiber and bring you to the edge as it has. Best advice I can say is to seek out professional counseling for you, her or possibly both. This is not marriage counseling per say, but is more along the lines of personal counseling as you both are fighting demons, and I know what little spare time you have, but having someone to unload all this on who might be able to give you some "professional" advice is very important at this point in your lives.

Good luck with things!

 

No no, I wasn't saying that. Don't worry.

 

Been down this Road. I had to take a Family Leave from Work as I was the only one who could provide care 24/7. Long Story short, if you love your Wife you will be there for her and take verbal Abuse with a Grain of Sand, people who are ill will often say things they don't mean. Bend with the Wind etc etc...if it was meant to be Marriage will survive and you will both be better off and stronger for it.
( If Sex is an issue increase masterbation X 3 )

 

Just wanted to post an update. Things are getting worse. My wife has been on the offensive for the last several weeks. 3 days of yelling at my son for eating a candy bar. 2 days of yelling at my daughter for laundry in a basket that was not hers. 3 weeks of constant nagging about taking out the garbage when it was all ready taken out on multiple occassions. It just keeps coming and not getting any better. I realize she only sleeps about 90 minutes at a time and has got to be miserable, but last night I had to stay home and not go to my other job to keep her calmed and away from the kids. She just rants and berates them for the tinyest things and makes them feel shitty. We have been searching to change a couple of her doctors and hopefully get her to a shrink to help her not only sleep, but improve her mood. This is going badly.. No joy in mudville.

 

you might want to see a marriage counselor unilaterally or go together with her.

Honestly, whatever reasons for her being this way, she is making life intolerable for you and your kids. You don't have to be a martyr to her, and she certainly doesn't have a right to make your kids miserable.

You might prepare for a divorce. Documenting the abuse to you and your kids could be a big part of that. I don't know all of the legal ins and outs.

Fixing the marriage could still be an option, but if that fails, it will help to have an escape plan that's not going to drag you through a big custody battle and other divorce related bullshit. Having documentation of her behavior could help you with that.

So marriage counseling, maybe new doctors. Also, acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine could help her. Maybe some dietary changes, tai qi/yoga/qi gong practice too.

If you can't fix the marriage, it's time to dump her ass, I don't care if she's got cancer. It's better that she's miserable alone than miserable and bringing down you and your kids.

 

Right... I think he needs to help her as much as he can and be understanding and probably try to help her find ways to relief stress and pain (natural ways) but yes, at the same time he needs to work on not being too physically and emotionally stressed himself and def find ways to take care of himself. No one is any good to anybody else anyways if they aren't taking proper care of themselves.

 

You should talk to her about how you know and understand WHY she is acting as she is... that you know what she's going through must be unimaginably tough but that it is not fair and extremely hurtful when she takes things out on you and your children.
That said, also maybe if you can afford to and find help for her family member and anything else that NEEDS done maybe you could take her somewhere relaxing for a couple of days.. doesn't have to bed anywhere expensive, just somewhere peaceful. Barring that, you can try to create a retreat like environment to try to recharge her a bit at home instead.

 

There are also support groups that are part of the cancer units that help people to deal with the ramifications that the disease has on all members of the family. Some are peer led but there are also professionals that can assist you as well as your wife.

I hope that life improves for all of you.

 

I haven't visited this thread in some time and from your update it sounds like things are getting worse. I can't even imagine how hard life is for you, her and your kids and really couldn't even begin to put myself in your shoes...

To me it sounds like given her situation she's basically said "Fuck the world!" and I really can't say I blame her. She has no outlet and is pissed at everything, and justifiably as well. Looking at it from her position life just sucks and doesn't look to get any better. So I'm sure to you she seems like the bitch from hell, but I can see why.

I really hate to draw lines and such, but from you and your kids perspectives. This is a 2nd marriage and I would assume your kids are pretty much the most important thing in your life. If you do feel its getting to the point where they are being emotionally abused to the point of damage being done then as their father you do need to evaluate that and if it comes down to it make a call as to what to do. I know it's a shitty raw deal. I really don't have any advice for you other than what's most important IMHO is the kids as they are the ones that are going to continue on past when you and your wife are gone, so in your heart I'd say do whatever is best by them. At the same time, your wife is a lost soul. Her life is agony and you and the kids are the punching bags. I wish you all the best good fortune and turn of events one could wish for...

 

I would try counselling with everything that she is going through is affecting you and the kids as well as her, kids can be pain even when you not seriously ill, so it's time to sit down and talk and see what can be changed,

 

I personally think you are not very supportive given the pressure your wife is under. I would leave you...

 

^ being under pressure does not give someone unlimited license to do anything they want to, e.g., child abuse.

Even if you give someone an absolute moral excuse for their behavior, there are still limits to what can and should be tolerated.