My husband cheated on me.

I talked to him. It's pretty much certain that we're going to go ahead and get a divorce. I'm in the military right now and my enlistment ends in about 15 months, so we're going to wait till then to make it legal. That way, I don't have to move to a smaller house, he gets the medical benefits, and he can still get on base to pick up our son, take him to appointments, whatever. If I can get a quick uncontested divorce by claiming incompatibility instead of adultery, fine. I don't care. As long as it's quick and cheap. I can't afford a lot of lawyer hours.

 

oh hun sorry to hear that it's for the best though. if you want to know the quickest cheapest way for a divorce call a bunch of different lawyers and they give free consultations so ask them how to go about a quick divorce. god bless you and your child.

FF

 

I sympathise with what happened but I found your comment 'Especially since if he had asked me, I would’ve been cool with it. It’s not the sex that bothers me, it’s the lying.'disturbing.
I'm not a specialist but, that statement right there is testiment to the fact that you guys are in an unhealthy relationship. If you are in an 'open relationship' then that part about 'if he had asked me I wouldve been cool' makes sense cos there's a general agreement about sleeping with more than one partner. I presume thats not the case, therefore, for the sake of yourself and your son, you have to underago some deliberation and reflect on just when and where you lost yourself, because any women with self respect and a healthy dose of self esteem would not even stand for that suggestion. It would indicate that she's cool with taking whatever she gets thrown her way/that she's second best.

It could happen to anyone so I'm not judging you,stay strong,at the end of the day only you can decide what to do.In my opinion, your husband doesnt deserve you...

 

Its not exactly the lying or the cheating but at the root,
a lack of sympathyfor the Female partner.

Sympathy and respect for a more sensitive and delicate
partner than the male animal.

 

don't wait. talk to a lawyer and get at least a legal separation drawn up NOW. You shouldn't live with him anymore, period. You don't deserve to be treated that way. He doesn't deserve your medical benefits. You are enabling him and if you choose this plan, he will continue to mistreat you, in front of your kid, which equates with mistreating the child as well. This isn't just about you, or about his cheating, it's about the child. Get out. The longer you stay, the more damage is being done to yourself and to your son. Doesn't matter if the divorce is uncontested or not, you need a lawyer who is going to look out for your best interests. It appears that neither he nor yourself is doing it, somebody else, a third party, needs to make sure you don't get totally screwed.

 

Yes. I've done it. I did my own divorce. Filled out all the papers had her sign it, paid $20 for court cost and it was done. We didn't have any Kids though.

 

My first husband and I agreed to go the no lawyer route, we drew up our own agreement and had it notarized and he left the state. a few months later, I was served with a summons and was being sued for custody of the children.


Get a good lawyer.

 

I have to say, that if you want to go cheap with your divorce - go cheap. But if you want the best for your child and yourself, for christ's sake, do whatever you can that is best.

 

PLEASE listen to mamaboogie in regards to not living with him, and letting him continue to reduce you. You don't need this. A lawyer is essensial.

"Open Marriages" just don't seem to work. It seemed like a "good" experiment a while ago for some people. When my parents were younger, in the 70s, they had some friends who were into the "polyamorous" thing, none of their relationships survived, not one, whether they had kids or not, whether they were hetero or bi or gay. Jealousy is not always a bad thing, especially if you have children, but even if you don't. sexual relations and mutual respect are a way of joining together two people who love each other. In most cases, there simply isn't a place for any other romantic or sexual love in that union.

But, I'm thinking that isn't what you need to hear right now. Please listen to the people who have already been through divorces, your child will need support (and chances are, as a man, he (your fh) will make more in his lifetime than you will) and the child will need schooling ect. Don't close doors by not getting what you need for your child, now, while memories are fresh.

 

We had a polyamorous relationship. It worked as long as both of us were honest, which is what made this so difficult. We have both had relationships outside of our own and never had any trouble with jealousy. I don't think polyamory had anything to do with our breakup. It was going to happen no matter what.

 

OK, I really don't want to argue with you at this point, but you are breaking up, in part BECAUSE he fucked someone else, right? IMO, if a relationship is healthy, there is no need to even want to have sex with other people. JMO. I guess I am saying, if it wasn't THIS incident which broke you up, the fact that, for some reason, you two needed to have outside relationships was a harbringer of doom. That was my point.

Then why did he need to lie about this one? I don't get it.

Maybe this is for the best. You probably aren't thinking about your next relationship, but when you find someone who doesn't need a "backup" lover, then you probably are at the True Love place. If you meet someone and think "I still want to fiuck other people." Then it isn't really really a commitment of love. Words to think about anyway.

Really, true love needs no other lover.

JMO. No hard feelings.

 

I have to agree.

Like I said before don't count on his attitude being the same 6 months for now. He is feeling guilty now and will give in to your demands much easier. After some time passes he will just be looking out for himself. Thats what breaking up is. Whatever you decide to do I would move on it quickly.

 

Polyamory didn't have anything to do with our breakup because a major part of it is being totally honest. It's not the fact that he had sex with someone else that bothers me, it's the fact that he felt the need to hide it from me and lie about it. It's the lying (about a lot of things, not just this) that was the ultimate downfall of our marriage, not a single sexual act with some random woman. I can see that a lot of people on here really don't understand polyamory (and I know it doesn't work for everyone), so let's just move on from that topic, ok?

 

I don't know you so its only speculation and assumptions but in my opinion that sounds like you do give a shit that he had sex with someone else.
How can it be ok in one instance and not in the other?

Him putting himself in another woman is him putting himself in another woman... whether he tells you or not.

Openness is openness, you cant put limits on it or have it two ways, thats where the problems arise. Maybe you had different ideas on what was acceptable.

In my humble opinion, if you can just go out and have other sexual relationships, how do you find the energy to stick through and fully give yourself to your own? If there's always other avenues to go down, you probably wont feel the need to work hard at the one thats always there (marriage).

Plus it also gives rise to heaps of complications spiritually speaking as when you have sex with some one, your chakras begin to spin together, and you exchange sexual and other energy that is stored in the sacral chakra (and if you are highly conscious... what is stored in all the chakras). So when your husband has sex with someone else, and then you, you will also receive the sexual energy of his other partners which is confusing to say the least.

Anyway all the best to you and your son.

Hope you find your way.

Peace

 

I am REALLY sick of talking about our sexual relationship and I'm not going to do it anymore. I can see that polyamory is not something that is understood or approved of here, so please refrain from discussing it further.

 

i agree, i think you're better off without him

 

me, too....it's a good thing that you're getting rid of the dude.
Could the fact that he was hiding it be because he was actually planning a relationship with her? I really can't think of any other reason if you guys were open in the past....
Did you say that you would still be living in the same house...or did I read that wrong? Cuz if so, that is dangerous. I would get out ASAP. Sometimes matters like this have to take present over jobs, ect. I find that when people try to plan things out like this, they have a harder time moving on because they're still "living" in the past life that they were when they were getting the divorce......if that makes any sense at all.....it's better to act now and get rid of his ass this minute. That's just my opinion, though.
lots of *hugs* to you, and I'm sooooo sorry that you're going through this.

 

What state are you in? Divorce laws are different in every state. For example: in VA there is no such thing as legal seperation. Also, you have to be seperated for 6 months before you can file an uncontested divorce.
The next question is in regards to your child. Would it be OK w/ you if a judge decided to give your child to your husband fri, sat, and sun? If this would not work for you then you need to have the chat logs recovered by a profesional. Divorce is likely to take over a year. He WILL change his mind about his child by then. If you don't want to be without your child for half the time, you are going to need those logs. They are still there I gaurantee it. You can have someone come to your house and do this for you.
Next issue: Regardless of state, an uncontested divorce is extremely unlikely. Like a previous post said, uncontested divorce is for people w/ 2 incomes and no kids. So instead, you will want to go the "divorce mediation" method. You both together hire a lawyer submit a proposal and save about 20,000 in lawyers fees.
Next: divorce attorney's are legaly obliged to go after everything that they can get. The moment that one of you hires a divorce attorny the fight is on. If this happens, whether now or a year from now, you WILL want those chat logs.
God there is so much more to say...argh..I will have to come back tonight. Hopefully you will have replied by then to tell me what state that you live in.
I'm sorry for your pain and I respect your decision to have a polyamorous relationship.
Sorry that people are so narrow minded.

 

The Mediation route is a really good idea. It may be your best bet, Jane. Salmon is also right about it most likely taking more than a year, and it would be a good, fantastc idea to have those logs. No one has to fight, but you have a child to worry about.

Good luck.

 

How about an uodate? My guess is that you are back together and won't be hitting this thread again.