My Mental History.

I've stayed home and slept for like 2-3 days straight now. It just seems to me it's almost like someone slipped me some more Olanzapine somehow now. I don't know for sure of course. And that diabetic wound on my inner left calf is still not fully healed. I don't think that clinic I went to recently is telling me the truth when they say everything is fine now and that I don't even have any diabetic wounds. I think I need to go there regularly and have all my diabetic wounds treated. So they don't get worse and lead to things like amputation. And, one of my doctors sent me an email yesterday saying I'm sending people too many emails. That they are unnecessary and that people are getting annoyed by them. IOW, that I am telling too many people too much about what going on in my life now. I disagree again. I think my life and safety are in jeopardy here. And I think I will need to continue to do things like send emails and inform people until my life and safety are no longer in jeopardy. Which I guess will be never when people like that clinic continue l do things like that.

 

Those diabetic wounds on my left calf that that clinic claims to have treated and healed really aren't gone. In fact like my neuropathy in my feet, it might even be getting worse. That clinic claims I never need to go back there because there's nothing wrong with my feet or me. I know that's definitely not true. I have diabetic wounds all over both legs, and they need to be treated now so I don't lose my legs. And they are even beginning to ache a little now. I know the mother of my friend who lives near me had a leg amputated due to diabetes. You don't want to fool around with that. Like I told that judge, fun is fun. But not when it endangers my health or life. I need treatment now and therapy now. All this time that people are spending fooling around in my life could be spent treating my neuropathy, diabetic wounds and other complications from diabetes and that Olanzapine. And we should look to the future too. Just like ignoring and denying my problems 20 years ago led to more problems now, the same is also true now. And my Cerebral Palsy is going to complicate any problems I have like the loss of a limb, or loss of mobility or neuropathy. If the people in my life want to act silly, that's their choice. But I want to treat me diabetic wounds and other problems now. And I don't want to wait. Like I said, my problems may be changing or getting worse. And my legs may be aching now. I want treatment of my diabetic wounds to start now. And any other care I need too.

If I lost a limb or my ability to drive, I'd lose my independence and everything else too. And I can't afford that where I live and with my present living arrangements. Living by myself and being independent. I want something done about all of this. But no one is trying help me and no one seems to care.

 

Also, some of my diabetic wounds on my legs I've had for years. They don't seem that bad, now at least, and I'm not a doctor. But I don't think it's normal to have diabetic wounds that last for years. Something is obviously wrong here and I am obviously being lied to. Lied to by people who are supposed to be helping me. And I think that is very wrong. I want treatment, especially for my diabetic wounds, and my neuropathy, to start immediately. And if someone is slipping more Olanzapine into something I'm taking, I want them exposed for that, and I want that to end now too.

And I want all this secret guardianship, forced medication, along with the blaming of me for other people's mistakes, and claiming I am morally weak and have a moral flaw too, when it is the other people in my life who that is true of, to end now too. I have been tolerant up till now. Partly because I didn't even know what was going on for the past 15-20 years, or 30 years even. Or as I found out in 2011, all my life really. But I am tolerant no more. And I demand this nonsense end immediately. My life and health are in serious jeopardy now. And I can't wait a moment longer.

 

Also, I was getting some results with putting Vaseline and a bandage on my diabetic wounds. I think I was getting even some of the old wounds to heal. But that clinic said I must never do that and everything is fine. Well, everything is not fine. That much I know is a lie. And I was getting some results. I don't know why I can't just do that now. The only problem is if I leave the bandage on too long. But I have a system now for dealing with that. Because I guess I will have to wait for the nonsense to end before my diabetic wounds are treated. But the nonsense will obviously never end in my life. It's been going on since I was born. And I was getting some results with Vaseline, as I said. But that clinic told me to stop.

 

Like I said, I get the impression that some people in my life, like that doctor and others, thought that bringing up the car would be an embarrassing subject for me. Maybe because I might secretly be a mentally handicapped person, holding the status of a normal person. Or because I am too dumb to drive. Or that they could make me believe it was an embarrassing subject I should be reluctant to bring up. Well, I don't know my exact intellectual status. But I have always known I am a very good driver. And I am not going to avoid that subject. I am going to bring it up now for the rest of my life.

It will be central to my argument forever now. How I was treated differently and unfairly. How people thought of me differently and how I had less value in their eyes. How they didn't care they would endanger my safety taking away my car. And now I learn my doctors have known for a very long time I had Type II Diabetes and neuropathy in my feet. They knew I couldn't be walking around for hours in the winter. Waiting for buses that never came, taking transfers all over the place, and then transfers on the SMART system in the suburbs. Doing that to get to Dearborn, and Plymouth, and Westland, and Novi, and Troy. All when the best thing to do would be to just continue driving. And then tormenting and harrassing me about it for over twenty years. Starting in the early 2000s, up till about 10 years ago even. For reasons like my neighbors' stupid and irrational wishes are more important than my quality of life, my safety, my health, my independence, my well being. And people like my doctors and the police, people who should know better, they just went along with my neighbors. And whoever else started all this nonsense. Which like I said, began around 2005. Which doesn't make sense, because I've been driving since 1989, and no one said anything about it before. No, no, no. I am not going to avoid it or hesitate to bring it up. I am going to talk about it for the rest of my life, in every situation I find myself in. Every situation where my medical consent or legal status are being talked about. Every situation that my living arrangement is being changed.

And now I may lose a foot or a leg, or both my feet over all this nonsense. Because it might be getting worse, and no doctor even wants to treat me. They all claim that I have no such problem. Just like my doctor told me about 10-15 years ago with the hair loss on my legs, weight gain and other symptoms. I am going to make sure the world knows and never forgets what people did to me, and are still doing to me. So be warned.

And the same is true about my two suicide attempts. I am not suicidal. That court is trying to deceive me and limit my information and limit my consent. Basically because they mismananged my case, put me in harms way, failed to protect me, allowed people to psychologically abuse me. All which led to my two suicide attempts. Not because I was morally weak, like that doctor said.

And my Cerebral Palsy is important here too. I am going to get that status and diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy if it's the last thing I do before I die. They won't stop me from doing that because I am stronger than they think. So be warned about that too.

 

Also people, like that doctor, seem to think that I would be embarrassed to bring up the subject of my car and driving. Not at all. That's what I can't figure out. Some people in my life seem to understand me well and some don't seem to understand me at all. I still don't know what my intellectual status is. But I do know when people think I am very dumb, they sometimes let down their guard and give me information. Like that one. It's very important in this situation, my car and driving. Others seem to know that too. And I am going to bring it up from now on, in every situation I find myself it. It will be at the top of my list. It is important for my health and safety. My independence and medical consent too. And I want it to be ensured I always have a car and a license. If I loose my sight or have a stroke, I guess that would be different. But I am beginning to wonder if I won't lose my feet or legs in the future, maybe even sooner than I think. My doctor tells me that my A1C is a very low 5.4. I'm not a doctor. But a pharmacist once told me that I will have Type II Diabetes for the rest of my life. So why would my A1C be so low? I think I am being lied to again.

 

As I've said, I want all this secret legal guardian nonsense, along with all the abuse I have experienced from the mental health system since at least age 7, to end. I am still waiting till next year. But I am thinking nothing will be done. But I am not backing down and not giving till it has ended. I'll wait if I have to. But then I am going to have to take further steps. This is all very wrong, it's very unnecessary, and I did nothing to deserve it.

And like I said, my argument will always involve those three points, and I will keep repeating them. My misdiagnosis, not given the status of Cerebral Palsy, how unjust and unnecessary it was people were trying to take my car away from me, for over 20 years, and how my two suicide attempts were in no way my fault. People severely psychologically abused me, and they threatened me. And then when it led to two suicide attempts they said it was all my fault because I was morally weak. That last one is one of the arguments brougth against me, and that is my counterargument. And all three of those shows everything that is wrong with this situation, and everything that needs to be addressed and changed.

 

Yeah, as I said, I've been abused by the mental health system in the United States at least since age 7. But I first found out more about that starting in 1989. And then in 2011 with what my therapist told me. But you know, when I started finding out more in 1989, I couldn't really share what was going on in my life with anyone outside of the US. If you met or interacted with a person from a foreign country, especially some place far off like Europe, they had to come here. Now with the internet I can interact with a much larger audience. That is interesting. I sometimes forget how much things have changed in even the past 20-30 years. Everything in my life seems constant and unchnaging for some reason. And some things seemed like they happened to me not too long ago. But in reality, they happened a very long time ago.

 

And like I said, some people still don't realize. My losing the car is a very serious threat. If I lost my car, I'd lose everything. My independence and all medical consent. And plus I really count be without a car where I live, Detroit. It would dangerous to walk around in the daylight hours here. And with the hours I keep, I'd be walking around at all hours of the day and night. And with my Type II Diabetes and neuropathy, on cold days in Winter. For buses that never came, because we really have no transportation system. They never come on time. Sometimes, they say, the buses never come at all. Not even as scheduled. And then I'd have to find a way of taking the DOT Detroit bus system to the far end of Detroit and then hop on the SMART system, which serves the suburbs. And me, who is late. Even going to my nearest doctor in nearby Southfield. When I have doctors in far-off Novi, Plymouth and Troy. (And my psychiatrist once told me that my legal guardian would just be my chauffeur then. Taking me to appointments, shopping and other places. Yeah, right. I can't rely on my legal guardian in an emergency.) And we really have no supermarkets in Detroit either. They're few and far between, if we do have them. It's a very serious threat. And for over 20 years, people just wouldn't drop it. And when I thought they'd drop it, they'd bring it up a couple of years later when I least suspected it. Not only threatening me, but robbing me of my peace of mind too.

No it's a very serious threat, it's very wrong that they did that. And mark my words, I think someone with bring it up again in the future. Probably when no one is looking or when I least suspect it.

 

And I'll need money and other things, if I lose a foot or leg or both some day. And I think I might, or will. I'll need a car with hand pedals, I'll need things to make my home more accessible for people with that problem. I don't even know what that involves. And I'm not going to let my legal guardian or that court put me in a group home even, because then I'll lose all medical consent and I'll be at the mercy or whatever moronic thing they are doing or planning then. I'm not giving my legal guardian or that court any more control over my life than I absolutely have to, because I don't think my guardian or that court would allow my legal guardian or that court that kind of control over their lives if they were in my position, to be blunt. I'll need money and equipment and all the therapy and treatment that comes with those problems. Simple things like making sure my muscles don't atrophy if I am confined to a wheel chair for example. I'll need simple things to maintain all my independence, and quality of life. And I'll need someone I can turn to for help with a flat tire or power outage, and I'll need to know the police and paramedics will stop thinking and talking about taking away my driver's license. Because they've been doing it for over twenty years. And the last I heard, they still were.

I may or will need all those things some day, for all the damage people like that court did to me with that forced medication, of medicines I didn't even need. Really they bear a lot of responsibility for all of that. And I think they are slipping something into my other medicines. Because I feel like sleeping all day again. Like within the past couple of days or week. And I know they say, how do you know a lawyer is lying? When he's talking. How do know if that court is harming me in some way? Always the same answer: because I suspect they are. That has to stop. And plans are going to have to be made for all the damage done by the harm and neglect that court and my guardian did to me for many years now. And right now as far as I know no one is doing anything or even cares. No one is even treating my diabetic wounds. They told me at that clinic that the diabetic wounds, that I know I obviously have, don't even exist. Okay. But what am I supposed to do about those diabetic wounds in the meantime?

 

So, just to go item by item:

I did not consent to not being informed about the fact I had Type II Diabetes and neuropathy in my feet even 15-20 years ago. I think I had the right to know, the right to be fully informed of all the risks and harm being done to me, and the right to have some say in my treatment. I would have done something if I knew then. Or I would have at least said something. I think my family, especially my aunt and my father after my mother died in 1996, would have said something too if they knew. I had a right to know, and I think this was all very wrong. And now the damage is permanent.

And I do not consent to being lied to now. I really don't believe my A1C could possibly be 5.4. I will have diabetes all my life. And neuropathy too. A doctor already told me, immediately in fact, that clinic was just lying to me when they said my neuropathy was gone. I will have it for the rest of my life too. I want to be informed about what is going on always. And I have the right to refuse any treatment, the same as any competent adult like me. So there is not any further damage done to me, or another part of my body, like my eyes or heart now.

I do not approve of being secretly medicated now. I am not being paranoid when I think and say that. Anyone else would be if they did. For me, it's usually true. I want to be informed and full consent with that. And I want it to stop immediately. It's probably doing more damage as we speak. And it's not necessary, it never was. And I suspect that court is responsible for that. They have been making reckless and very bad decisions in my life since I was a child. They're decisions even did permanent harm to me. And now they continue. I want it to stop now.

And since that court, and my legal guardian, are responsible for all this, one of them better help me get a car with hand pedals if I need it. Driving is necessary for independence and safety, and my medical consent too. My life would be in danger without a car. And I want steps to make sure I always have a car and am able to drive. Unless I lose my sight, have a stroke or something else like that. Otherwise I expect to always drive. And I will always insist on it and make an issue of it. For the rest of my life.

And, I want all the secrecy to end immediately. They would have to prove to me it is. And they never really will be able to do that. But they have not even begun to try. I want the secrecy to end, and I want to be given the full status of a legal adult. I will always need a little help, I agree with that. But I will get help only with my full consent and being part of that process. And I want the status of Cerebral Palsy. along with Schizotypal Personality Disorder and autism, and whatever else I have. To the benefits and the help I deserve.

And I want everyone in this situation who violated my rights held accountable for their actions. So people know that is not acceptable behavior in Michigan, or anywhere in the world. And so no one ever does that to me, or to anyone else, ever again.

 

And I meant what I said earlier today, I really did. I better always have a car. I better have enough money for it and a valid license, and insurance. My independence, my safety, my very life depends on it. And all those people who made my life a living hell for over 20 years, bringing up and then dropping the subject, teasing and taunting me about it. I think they have a legal responsibility to make sure I always have a car. Or a moral one at least. Unless I am blind or have a stroke. (I was actually thinking about all legitimate reasons someone could lose their driver's license, about 20 years ago, including blindness. And then they came out with the driverless car. But I understand the driverless car doesn't really work so far.)

And this is and is going to be part of my legal, moral and medical argument too, from now on.

 

Something may be happening in my feet and legs now. It's probably too soon to tell in any event. But I am noticing tingling and numbness in my legs, or my left one in any event. I know my doctor told me about 20 years ago I shouldn't volunteer too much information to my doctors. He said that was for insurance purposes. But I guess I have to tell someone, because this might all lead to something really bad some day.

I need all this nonsense with the secrecy, secret guardians, people like my legal guardian and that court, who really don't care about me, even though I'm a good person and have done nothing wrong, and forced and/or secret medicating to stop. Now. I can't wait for the nonsense to end. That judge last year and my guardian are wrong. It is not funny. The time to end the nonsense was when it all began, or even before then. And now I will need a car, insurance for my car, a nice place to live, treatment for my legs and diabetic wounds, etc., and a good quality of life. And I am holding all the people responsible, and there is a very long list of course, for this. I expect them to make sure now that I have all those things, now and for the rest of my life.

 

Yeah, there was a reason why that doctor and others brought up the subject of my driving the way they did. They thought I would be embarrassed to bring it up. But not because it was embarrassing to me, but because it was embarrassing to them the way it was being used against me. And other things about it are embarrassing too because it is all so stupid. I could tell that right away.

Hmm, so they don't want me talking about the car. That is why, as I said, I am going to make sure to talk about it all the more. And I will have to think what other things they didn't want me talking about. So I can bring up those things more. I have tendency to repeat myself. Sometimes I just forget what I said. But you know repeating yourself can be a good thing. Especially in my situation. I'll have to do it more.

 

BTW, I wonder is there some kind of last ditch effort, or secret maneuver maybe going on now, by that court. Because I think they may be secretly medicating me. And I'm usually right about these things. Secretly medicating me with drugs that may be harming me and that I don't even need. Because I think there is. And I'm not going to tolerate it and I want that looked into.

Their reckless behavior is doing damage to me that is permanent sometimes. And so something has to be done about it now.

 

And I've had these problems all my life, especially like since age 18. Double vision, frequent urination, incomplete emptying of my bladder. I can't lift 75 lbs. even. And incomplete emptying of my bowels. I talked to a doctor about this when I started getting treated for frequent urination. And he told me it's usually found in people who have frequent urination, incomplete emptying of the bowel. It seemed like it was getting worse for a while. But it might be leveling off or getting better. I was loosing control of my number two function about 10 years ago. But that problem seems to have improved. And I was talking with a doctor's office recently. I said I was to talk to that doctor about it because it sounds like it could be due to my Cerebral Palsy. The lady on the phone told me they told don't have me down for Cerebral Palsy, but all right.

How could it possibly be more obvious I have Cerebral Palsy? And that I have had that all my life? And why are my doctors denying it? Are they lying to me? Am I not allowed to have that information? No, now more than ever, now that they are still doing that, I realize how important it is for me to have the status of Cerebral Palsy. For the best benefits, for the most appropriate treatment, especially in my old age. And so it is always taken into consideration and I am protected from patients, and doctors and nurses and others too, wherever I am.

 

I just took my diabetic boots out of the washing machine. They need to be cleaned. But I guess they weren't made for washing machines. I used Woolite, the extra gentle type that said on the bottle it never does damage to your clothes. And there is still a hole in the sole of one of them. Fortunately I had another pair. But you know, situations like that often call for someone I can call on for help. And that isn't my legal guardian, clearly. He's always busy, or annoyed with having to help me, or both. Plus I don't have the full handicapped status I should. If I had that, maybe I could get better medical benefits. Things like more than one pair of shoes. One for winter, one for summer and one for when I am washing them.

 

Not that is matters I guess. But absolutely no one sent me a Christmas card this year. And I was never invited to my legal guardian's house for Christmas like he usually does either. He never even mentioned it.

 

Speaking of symptoms I've had all my life, that I think showed I had Cerebral Palsy. In the video "It's My Life" by No Doubt, when she throws the vase on the floor at 2:04-



she almost loses her footing. I've had that problem all my life. My balance is about normal. But I do lose my footing more often than normal. Or I don't know.

But it's much worse now. Because of the neuropathy in my feet, my sense of balance is not what it used to be. I don't think I should ever lift a foot off the floor, short of when I walk. Because I might fall. If I have to do that now, I usually hold onto something solid and stationary. In the shower, I have to use a shower seat because it's a good idea. I never did before. But I don't always know what is stationary. Sometimes all I need is to hold onto something stationary, to get my balance. I've talked to doctors about this and asked for advice on it. But none of them seem to want to give me any advice. Also, I think it's a good idea to know what I can fall onto if I had to. But that is difficult to find when I am walking out in the world. And businesses never seem to bother to salt their driveways. Also I've noticed when I am closer to something, it might be enough to break my fall, if that ever happened. Even a small lamp might do that, especially if I fell on it vertically, if that makes any sense. And I feel unsteady on things like stairs. I think it's because the sensation is slightly different. I am unable to tell very minute differences in surface and texture of a floor. And I guess it confuses me a little. I am still able to drive with bariatric boots with no problem. But that might not be forever either.

 

And just to be clear. If I ever harm myself again, because people in my life drove me to that point. And let's face it, that's always the case. It always was the case, and it always will be the case, even if I don't realize it at the time. And even if others in my life don't. But if that happens, I will immediately start remembering and retelling. All the people in my life that led to my first two suicide attempts. And then all the people led to my third. Which as I said, I hope will never happen. But if it did, again it wouldn't be my fault. Not at all, not even remotely. That is what I am going to do. I am not going to accept any blame for it, I am not going to allow people do say I am morally weak again for leading me to that point, like that doctor did in 1989. And I am not even going to let people "help" me again. You know, help me. Like that hospital tried to help me in 2004 after I attempted suicide, by putting me in that bizarre group therapy session. Where I and the other patients were supposed to all tell the staff our deepest darkest secrets. Because, they told us, that was part of our therapy there. No. I am not playing that game anymore or ever again. Just so everyone knows.

And my diabetic wounds. Now we're playing a sick twisted game with that. And possibly my Type II Diabetes and neuropathy in my feet, and possibly hand, too. That clinic recently said that I have no diabetic wounds. There is no need to make a follow up appointment because, they told me, the problem doesn't even exist. And now one of my doctors tells me I am not to even put Vaseline on my diabetic wounds. Even though I was getting good results with that. They were slowly healing. Even some of older ones. No, I am not to put Vaseline on my diabetic wounds. He told me I am not to put Vaseline on them. Now, is that an official order? Like in the past when I was ordered to keep the passenger side of my car always clear, for a passenger some day. Even though that person is the only passenger I'll ever have in that car, or in any car, for as long as I live. And I am to keep it clear even on days I don't drive, even at three o'clock in the morning. Or, they said, they'll take the car away from me. (That order still stands BTW. As far as I know. Did you know that?) And I am to remove all clutter. Even though my "clutter" is not that bad. It's not blocking any of my windows. And actually it avoids accidents like walking out of my car to the trunk or side door to get any item. Because everything is within reach. And having more than one item is a good thing, I've found. Because if I can't find one, I can always find another. But not so she said. The clutter must be all removed too. Or, again, we'll take your car away from you.

I am treating my diabetic wounds now, with petroleum jelly, despite their orders. Because no else is treating them, and I am getting good results. And if it lead to a rash (and I think that's all it really ever led to, a rash), and I have to get medical treatment for it, and someone tries to make an issue out of the alleged fact I am harming myself. (I found a way of removing the bandaids in a day at least, BTW.) Just like I was allegedly harming myself in 1992 for wearing plastic gloves that might lead to infection and death. I will tell them everything. Tell them everything that was done to neglect me an deny me treatment. tell them how I was lied to, and then denied care, for some pretty serious problems. By that clinic in July, by that clinic more recently, and many others I'm sure.

So. I will begin a new list for that too. I think I can easily remember. Like I said, I think it is all easy remember.