My Mental History.

Sometimes there isn't help where we first look.

 

Did you ever notice that people seem to be able tell when you are staring at them? But from behind? Like they have eyes in the back of their head? That's happened to me a lot.

One time I was taking this Comparative Religions class at community college. It was fall of 1997 and one of students there was this Italian girl from the UK. And she was sitting a couple feet in front of me. And I looked at her, from behind, and thought something about her. I remember at the time, she couldn't have possibly seen me stare. There were no mirrors in the room at all, and I was sitting still, so I didn't make a sound. And she turned around and glared at me. Like she knew that I was looking at her and thinking about her at that exact moment. I'm serious. And that was the only time that happened there.

Also, recently, I am about to go to a public restroom. And just as I am about to enter the door, a person who's done, busts out with a smile on their face, looking at me. I think that's happened twice. Or one time I was in a gas station in one of the aisles. And I just looked up at the bathrooms in the hall off to the left. And again, a young woman busted out, with a big grin (it was one of those single occupancy bathrooms). And this last one, with the bathrooms, is suddenly happening a lot, and in the past year. It might be coincidence. But it is odd.

 

You know, about prayers. When I was 7, my friend J was about to move to another state, his father just got a job in. I prayed to God to make him stay any way possible. Then his father had a stroke, and was still bedridden last I heard in the 8th grade, 1982 actually. Then I prayed "No, that's not what I meant by 'any', Lord". And I was always careful to get all the legalese right, as I prayed.

But you know my mother finally told me, God doesn't misunderstand prayers. I think that was by chance. So sometimes children just misunderstand everything that happens around them, and why it happens. Getting your legalese right with a prayer still sounds like a good idea though.

 

I was thinking, around the late 90's and early 2000's, if you wanted to show someone selfish and evil. Perhaps someone who was just ignorant to the injustices he was causing. Maybe the way the three spirits showed Scrooge in Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" would suffice. They only upset Scrooge, they never harmed him. And when the last spirit showed him what his lifetime of evil would lead to, Scrooge famously said “Spirit! Why show me this, if I am past all hope!” Meaning, people like that can still change their ways.

My therapist alluded to that in 2011. Which is odd, because I don't think I even told him about that fantasy yet.

 

Yeah, there has always been a lot of secrecy in my life, right from the start. I really don't know, or care for that matter, to tell you the truth. And now I might be under some secret court order to take a medicine that I don't even need, and that people with Cerebral Palsy should never be taking anyways.

I did have CAT scan in the Summer of 1986 at a local hospital. And two EEG's there, one which was sleep-deprivation. They told me that sleep-deprivation one showed I had a seizure tendency. My neurologist now says that's nonsense. He sees no sign of that in his EEG's for me. Or maybe I misunderstood him. But I know I've had weakness in my four limb all my life. And for some reason, it seems to have gotten much worse around age 12 and/or 18. And I was threatened and put in harms way, many times. I was told I was going to be put in a mental hospital I didn't need, because I am a good person. And I am not a threat to myself either. Since about 1986, they told me that. Around the Fall of 1989 people did more or less stop saying that. And like I said, I have never actually been abused or neglected physically. My 7th grade teacher almost ruptured my eardrum in 1975, because she didn't like me touching her. But that is the only time that has ever happened. And I have always gone to good, actually the better, hospitals and schools. I agree.

As far as my undiagnosed Cerebral Palsy. My doctors still are vague on whether they even agree I have it. I am reminded of that line from "On the Street Where You Live" from "My Fair Lady" (1964): "I have often walked Down the street before, But the pavement always stayed Beneath my feet before." I've heard that song since childhood. And I know it was never written for me. But I have had a peculiar way of walking all my life. Since I could walk, in fact. One boy in GS told me his nickname for me was "Skippy" because I skipped when I ran, whatever that means. And one doctor told me, yes. He said, when I see a kid ahead of me in line at a supermarket, walking on the balls of his feet, it's pretty obvious to me that he has Cerebral Palsy. Meaning, if anyone with any medical knowledge ever saw me walk, from age to 2 on, it would be obvious that I had Cerebral Palsy. So if people in my life are trying to argue that they just didn't know they were psychologically abusing a handicapped person with Cerebral Palsy, that's not true. And anyone who ever saw me walk, from two on, knows it must have been CP. And now I am being forced to take a medicine I don't even need, to cover up other people's mistakes in my life. And I have complained, to everyone really. And no one seems to even care. But if they're trying to deny that I was misdiagnosed and psychologically abused all my life, even though they knew I was handicapped since birth, they evidence is all around me. Just ask anyone who has ever seen me walk, as I said.

 

As I said, I never said I was neglected. And frankly, I still think I lived a good life.

Also, around 1996, people everywhere started ordering me to "Sit down!" Because I stumble around, and it annoyed them. Not "have a seat, please" but more how you would order a dog. At my mother's funeral parlor, at a local library, and maybe other places. People were making fun of a person with a disability. I wanted to tell them it wasn't my fault. But I'm sure they already knew that.

 

Also, I have issues in my throat, mouth and chest. Around 20 years ago, my family physician said I broke a rib. I was surprised because I didn't feel it at all. (I sometimes feel minor aches and pains, here and there, but I always thought that was normal.) I thought maybe he was looking at my father's X-ray. I do seem to have normal feeling in my chest. Throat and mouth too, though I don't know how other people perceive or experience things, obviously. I did have atrial fibrillation about 10 years ago. I was in the hospital a couple of days with that. I didn't really feel anything with that either. I just felt and little flushed and fatigued that day. I feel fine now though. I am on a Beta Blocker since then.

 

Yeah, it's interesting, that librarian at that library around 1996-99 was annoyed by my disability. And she obviously knew I was different. I don't go to that library too often now, FWIW. But if she or anyone else broke the law in any way with me, at any place, in Michigan we call that a bias crime. Not just hate, but bias. Some people where I live, like governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura are against bias crimes. He calls them thought crimes. I was never sure where I stood on the issue. But it's interesting. If people at any place, stores, malls, libraries, gas stations, etc. violate your rights, and you take action, they might prove bias. Like what did he or she say to his coworkers, when no one was around? Joking about people disabilities is not illegal, at least where I live. But they do show a pattern of bias to that individual. And bias crimes in the US add enhanced sentences to existing crimes. Tom Cruise was shot with a water gun in 2005. I didn't even know that was an assault. I know Oliver Wendell Holmes said fighting words are never protected by the First Amendment. Like yelling fire in a crowded theater. Or, our probate lawyer, making people think you're about blow up a plane you're onboard. Two men got in a lot of trouble for that. It was a "joke" and they were giggling the whole time. But they still were arrested.

Like I told the judge at the probate court that handling my 1992 case, with the last email I sent him. He claims there is no secret guardianship in my case. Whatever could I mean. And he was acting silly, calling my cousin my "brother". Fun is fun. But this is serious. And being arrested and charged with a hate crime certainly doesn't sound very funny to me.

 

As I've said, they've always been kind of obnoxious with me at libraries. I've been going there now for about a year, for their internet access and affordable Xerox copies. And they often complain to me I am keeping them from their homes and families, because I sometimes stay there an extra 15 minutes, due of my Schizotypal Personality Disorder and Cerebral Palsy. I also minor mobility issues that don't help, and might get worse. I also typically sleep a lot, which has never been explained to me. And frankly I have a lot mental issues I've had all my life, that have never been explained to me. You know the lack or Oxygen at my birth can affect other areas of my brain. Like with Cerebral Palsy. And it is different for every person. Also, when I started going to libraries about a year ago, a guard at one told me I was standing too close to him. I think he was just warning me though. Yeah, actually that is a problem where I live. Gay men being attacked, and always when they stand too close to someone, the stories always say. I did tell the Detroit Public Libraries on Twitter that I think a metal detector at each entrance would be a good idea for their libraries. I don't own a gun anyways.

Also, when I started going to libraries, about a year ago as I said, I was at one I now rarely go to. People at libraries, and post offices for some reason, kept telling me to slow down when I talk around them. That I was too excited. I don't think that's true, and I don't think how express myself is something they need to criticize me for. I have psychological issues and Cerebral Palsy. And the CP can affect focus and concentration too. The receptionist at my cardiologist's office just told me that today. And I don't think criticizing or making fun of a patron is ever acceptable in front of everyone else. I started asserting myself then, when this was happening. And there was this young man there, a chubby man with blonde or brown hair I think. And he got angry at that point. And basically threatened me, telling me basically that he wanted to beat me up, because I was daring to question how he made fun of the way I talked. He was at the round librarians' desk, on the floor with the PC's. And his coworkers must have heard what he said too.

 

I have no idea what my disability status is. It's a secret and he can't tell me, is all my cousin will say. Actually, disability benefits are not as good for the mentally ill in the US. But I was talking with the receptionist at my cardiologist's office yesterday. And she agreed. Many of my problems with concentration and focus are probably due to Cerebral Palsy. And that would get me better benefits. Enough to live on. And people who treat me differently now, because it takes me long to do things and to show up for appointments, etc. should beware. I am protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. And it is a hate crime if they take that too far. Plus I am getting older too you know. I'm 56 now. (And Oliver Wendell Holmes said words taken too far can be illegal. Just saying. You know I still can't afford a lawyer.)

Plus my cousin wants to dump me somewhere, where they lock the door. Perhaps a group home, because I spend on coffee and football cards. Or maybe not, no one tells me anything. He could do that as trustee to my trust. But a legal guardian shouldn't be able to do that. Of course, they are reforming guardianship laws in Michigan. This year in fact. So we'll see.

 

When I was still a small child, I thought pray for whatever I want, but be grandiose. Because then if God only gives me half of what I ask for, I'll have a lot (we read a story like that in GS once). So I asked God to make me a "cubillionaire". I have no idea what that was. Maybe he'd know. Or maybe he could create a new numerical value for me, like Edward Kasner did in 1940 when he invented Gogol (from his grandchild, ironically). Made sense.

 

You know, I suspect. Just suspect, but it's pretty obvious. If my dr. doesn't change his tune, about putting me on a new dose of a medicine, that I really don't need, and clearly has harmed me in the in the past, I will at the very least file a patients' right complaint. About all I know or suspect:

• That people have seen me walk the way I do since I could walk. And I am pretty sure the first therapist I in HS knew I had Schizotypal Personality Disorder, NOT any form of Schizophrenia. And yet I was given Haldol and Thorazine in my youth. I told my dr. in 1984 all that I was going thru with the Haldol, and that it clearly wasn't helping me. I remember even now. And yet he kept me on it for over a month. And I think it may have caused brain damage even.

• And a receptionist at a dr.'s office told me the other day, that my problems, really all my life, with focus, memory, concentration and mental fatigue were at least in part due to Cerebral Palsy. Which means I may have been denied disability benefits I desperately need now. Because in my country, there is no parity for psychological handicaps, like there are for others.

• That someone may, may, have been trying to take away my drivers' license about 20 years ago, because they were saying I was too developmentally disabled to drive. Maybe not, and I don't know what that is all about. I just know I've never taken an IQ test and I've always went to normal schools, and often did well there.

• And I am not making this up. But possibly, but I'm sure not, I don't know. Someone may have been trying to take away my freedom, by claiming I spend too much. On things like Football cards (about a dollar now, on Amazon and Ebay, when I buy them individually), $1.25 Dollar Tree pregnancy tests. And also I often "round up" for charity, at Kroger's, when I use my debit card. I just know someone at my financial institute seemed to indicate the way I spend may be significant to my case in some way. But they didn't go into detail. (I know my cousin in my legal guardian. And he lives in a rich suburb from me. Can't he pay for my $1.25 pregnancy tests at least? I'm just saying.)

And there is so much more...

I did just test my therapist, telling him all of this. And also pointing out, that if my dr. still wants to put me on a new dose, I will file a patient's rights abuse claim, just detailing all I said above, and more. And I will let them let them draw their own conclusions. And then I will make a copy, and send it, just send it, to law enforcement agencies in other countries. And INTERPOL. I don't think I ever have. Like I just texted my therapist, even if someone says I don't have to, I still will. In case anyone else is following all this. I see my doctor on August 26th next, BTW. We are going to teleconference.

 

You know again, I have good reason to believe that someone might be trying to take away my freedom (I said "might") because I spend too much. And most of the stuff I spend on is so small and trivial. A football card on Amazon/Ebay for about a $1, a pregnancy test from Dollar Tree for $1.25, and sometimes I "Round Up" at grocery stores for charity. Then, it's even less than a dollar, sometimes. But those are all a matter of public record, because they are on my debit card. No one has told me this, that that is what they are doing. But that could just be what my mother told me at age 6 is called reverse psychology. They must really not want me to tell others. Or I could be wrong. (Giving to charity? For less that a dollar? But as I said, I have no reason to believe this yet.)

I am going to teleconference with my doctor August 26th. He is trying to raise a medicine that I don't even need, and that has caused me health problems in the past. And my other doctor told me yesterday, that is within his power to do. I guess it is. He cut off our teleconference abruptly last time we talked. But if he insists on raising it, I will have to file a patient's right complaint. And then I will share all I said above, plus all my email correspondences to other people for the last couple of months. And then, it will be a matter of public record. As I said, so far I have no reason to believe that anyone has broken any rule. But that is what I plan on doing now after the August 26th.

 

If you make it easier to put away your unwanted kid with a mental illness or handicap, the same legal logic will apply to you when you're elderly. People complain it's not easy enough to do that to young people. But conversely way too easy to do it to our older family members.

Hmm. I think that's why they call it poetic justice.

 

You know, all I ever wanted in life is a simple existence. It takes so little to make me happy. I was saying on another message board about 20 years ago. I am literally content just watching the grass grow. And yet people have told me in the past I don't even deserve that. And now my rights are being violated and my health endangered with the secrecy that still remains in my life. Secrecy that I know I couldn't possibly have done anything to deserve. Which just confirms all that I just said.

 

Since 1991, I have assumed I might be borderline mentally deficient, but probably in the normal range. I don't know anything for sure though. I only discovered in 2011 that I was deprived of Oxygen at birth. And I clearly have at least a mild form of Cerebral Palsy.

I also didn't realize abilities are different, and brain damage at birth affects people in different ways. I wonder now if I took an IQ test. I might actually score higher than normal on some parts of it. The peculiar way I walk, I now realize, is obviously to the Cerebral Palsy. I also obviously have some form of autism. I just can't look people in the eye, never could. Also, interesting, I was reading online recently. A young man in the early 80's was involved in pedestrian auto accident that clearly wasn't his fault. And the policeman who took the report was trying to take his driver's license away because he thought he might be mentally deficient. As I said, he had a valid license, and it clearly wasn't his fault. He did ironically hold the status of someone borderline mentally deficient. But he was trying to have that status changed after the accident. And also, ironically, the way he walked was also due to Cerebral Palsy. A doctor was telling me in 1984 even, when people see someone with Cerebral Palsy, they often assume they must be mentally deficient.

 

I teleconferenced with my psychiatrist today, and I guess we're back to that nonsense with raising my meds again. Medicine I don't need and medicine that is damaging me. I also talked with a free legal service today. And she claimed that there is no record of me having a secret guardianship, which I told her she knows is obviously false. (She also told me, even though I have no funds, I could always hire a lawyer, which I took to be a sick joke.)I am planning now to file a patient's right complaint against my doctor in one week, and my secret legal guardian again. I know I will just be told that he is not my legal guardian. But it is hard to file a rights complaint when they won't even admit his position as guardian over me. I wonder what people like me are supposed to do in a situation like that. I also wonder what the point is in lying, when we both know it.

Just to repeat, all my doctors have basically told me my cousin is in fact my guardian. Though they are silent on it now again.

 

I was telling my therapist yesterday and today, when I reach out to people, now to file a patients rights complaint, they act silly. Your cousin is your guardian? I don't know what you're talking about. But that is pretty serious. If, for example, some mental patient said they were physically abused by a doctor (I've never been physically abused of course) and he said, "he's not your doctor, he's a leprechaun" that could prevent a person from filing. And stop the case from moving forward. I think people who take part in my, or any similar, deception should be held accountable. And since I can't afford a lawyer to sue to investigate, that would have to be criminal. I was telling my therapist, I think at least a year in jail. So they are disqualified from holding a position of trust ever again.

This will be my approach to this new problem from now on.

 

Well, I guess I am going to file a patient's rights complaint against my doctor and legal guardian September 2nd. Probably just send an email or something that day. And when I get back the reply, and I think I will, that my legal guardianship is just imaginary, it's all in my mind. I must be delusional they'll tell me, instead of helping me in other words, I will take down their name. And make sure they are held legally responsible for what they are doing. Because people like that, even if they are so-called bureaucrats, are really part of the problem here. In the US and the world. Patient abuse and neglect, when it comes to their rights. A patient should always be believed and taken seriously when he or she tries to file a patient's rights complaint. That is when all the nonsense should end and all the pretense be dropped. And then I am going request that those three people, my doctor, my guardian and that person I just mentioned, receive at least a year in jail. So they can never hold a position of public trust again. And to send the right message that we don't tolerate this kind of thing.

The United States has signed on to international treaties, like the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities and the Principles for the Protection of Persons with Mental Illness. And I think those agreements have been violated in my life. People in my life think that is all funny for some reason. But I certainly don't. And I think my patient and human rights abuse started in childhood. Certainly in grade school in the eighth grade. Actually, my doctor told me the lady psychiatrist I saw at age 7 in 1975 stayed on in my life. So maybe even before then.

And I'm faced taking a new dose of a medicine I have proven I can do without in November of last year, when I stopped taking it for 6 months and nothing happened. The panic caused by people threatening and psychologically abusing me didn't return. Which is actually kind of ironic, when you think of it that way. And this new dose will probably damage me, with the neuropathy damage that is in my feet, and now obviously right hand. And the new class of neuroleptics like Haldol I took in 1984 were never meant for my condition, Schizotypal Personality Disorder. They caused me debilitating side effects and would rob me of my independence now. And I think it caused me brain damage too in 1984. People with Cerebral Palsy certainly should never take it. (And let's face it. People have known since I could walk that I have that. The two EEG's I took in 1986 probably showed it too. I only learned of it myself (and told my cousin) in 2011.)

But I will write down the name of the person who is assigned to my case after September 2nd. And then with them in that order, my doctor, legal guardian, I will seek the harshest legal penalties. To protect myself and send a message to the world as I said. I don't think they will be mistreated in prison. I certainly hope they aren't. My doctor and my legal guardian actually, unlike me, can afford good lawyers. And they are strong and healthy and don't have Cerebral Palsy, again like me.

Also, I am going to need help in my life, probably for the rest of my life. Whenever I try something for the first time, like bill paying, always find it a lot easier than I thought it would be. But that should probably be looked into. I was telling my doctor again today, maybe I should be retested some day. A written test and maybe another scan. My doctor (one of the above three) had told me more than once he doesn't care who I see if he retires. And I can't count on my guardian even in an emergency. But that will have to be looked into some day too. What help I need, and who can help me.

 

Anyways, I am in the process of submitting a request to have my cousin's secret legal guardianship over me ended. And all guardianships over me ended too. But I am already being blocked from access to the legal system. One of the email addresses for complaints to the country probate court seems to have already blocked my email address. They haven't even considered my case, they never even responded. And their already blocking my email. Like I told them, I had to, they are bunch very unethical people down there, that clearly don't care.

Everything seems to be back to normal in my life, as far as I can tell at least. Everyone is back to lying and denial mode. All of my doctors to me a couple years ago, I could tell at the the time at great legal risk to themselves, that my cousin is listed as my legal guardian. They told me this because he is cold and uncaring towards me, he is making reckless and dangerous decisions behind my back. And I am a burden to him, he says. He wants to take away my car, even though I've told him many times how dangerous it would be to live without one where I live. But he says it costs him too much, despite the fact he lives in an affluent suburb. And he has more than once shown he finds my Cerebral Palsy handicap funny. I have told this all to others, including the county probate court. And people are just ignoring me. As I said, I am being denied access to the legal system.

How can someone in my position report abuse and neglect if they aren't even given access to the legal system? When someone is reporting a patient's rights abuse they should always be taken seriously and never doubted. And now people are acting silly again, denying he is my guardian. Like I tell them, I can't unlearn that. I also had to tell them, they have forever lost the chance for me to ever trust them, or anyone else here, ever again.

So I will never really know when he is not my secret legal guardian. They never even bothered to lie by telling me the matter had been resolved. And like I said, now I know I can never trust them ever again. So I will have to keep on filing petitions to have my cousin removed as guardian for the rest of my life. What choice do I have? Even if the court protests, I have no choice, and they are the ones who put me in this situation.