My Mental History.

I just wanted everyone in my life to know. I will fight this injustice for the rest of my life. And I will have to continue fighting it even long after someone long after someone tells me it's all over with. Because I have no choice. My life, my safety are at risk. My rights are being violated in the worst way, so this has much further reaching implications beyond me. To everyone in my situation. Elderly people too, as I've said. And as far as I know, nothing is being done about this. In fact people in my life still almost seem to think this is all funny somehow.

And I am prepared to be locked up as I fight this. I really am In a holding cell, in a jail cell, on a psychiatric hold even. By the guard at a Michigan court house. Because I have to go there once a month probably, for the rest of my life, resubmitting my petition to have my secret legal guardian removed. Even if they allegedly proved to me he wasn't. And now I finally get a reply from the Michigan Attorney General's office, indicating she can't help me or won't. And before long she or her office will start complaining, and telling me to leave them alone already.

Because if I were ever locked up. And I have been threatened with it in the past. For liking donuts too much. For being mentally deficient and possibly lacking self-control. On made up or trumped up criminal charges. Because people just didn't like me. But if I were ever locked up, and I hope I never am. But if that ever happened, I would rather it be for the right reasons. For standing up for what I believe. For doing what's right. For standing on principle. And I am stronger that people realize. I am often stronger than I realize sometimes.

I just hope everyone in my life always remembers that.

 

I don't know though. Sometimes I don't know if I am unintentionally being rude, or even obnoxious. When I was in HS, I used to ask if I could "borrow" a kleenex. And finally people started saying, "Why? Do you want to give it back?" I did find that a little annoying myself. So I eventually started to jokingly reply "only if you want it back". One person did tell me they found that rude.

And people at one point kept telling me "do you mind!" over and over again. Often when I wasn't do really anything at all for them to say that. I think once or twice I replied "no, I don't mind at all". As I said, I only said that once or twice. But it did make a few people angry, I recall.

 

As I tell people, I will wait till the beginning of next year to see if there is any change in my life or this situation. I am beginning to think there won't be. All my doctors are back to telling me nothing is even wrong. And then I will have tell more people, get more people involved and take stronger legal action. And I thought the Michigan Attorney General would sympathize with me and help me. Maybe she still will. But I am beginning to think she won't. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she's working to help me. But by the beginning of next year I will have to assume she won't give me any help either. I was reading online that she thinks the guardianship laws in Michigan need to be reformed. That they are being misused. And my case is a case where this couldn't be more true, where the guardianship laws are really being misused and abused. And this logic could be applied to other people. I obviously haven't been a danger to myself or others for over 30 years. And this logic could be used against other groups like I said. Mentally deficient people, autistic people, elderly people. Just physically handicapped people even. The Michigan Attorney General seems to be opposed to the ways the guardianship laws are set up in Michigan and how they are being abused. So I will still wait to see if she helps me. But I was surprised by her response. Just reach out for legal help, she told me. But no can help me. Everyone is in on the deception. No matter how I begged or pleaded for someone to help me, they never could.

And it's disturbing. This could be legal to do to some elderly person in Michigan. Maybe they are having problems taking care of themselves or managing their affairs. But instead of trying help them by working with them, their family has them under a secret legal guardian. And even if they suspect something and reach out for help, everyone they asked for help from would just deny it. They would end up in nursing homes, their driver's license would be suspended, they'd lose their house. And it would all be cleverly explained to them, and made to look like something else had happened. Just like it does even now, when I still have to sign those fake consent forms at doctors' offices still. And I'm not even going to bother to vote this year. What would be the point? I don't even know if I am really voting. Because I know even the most official-looking form in Michigan can be fake. Did you know that? And you would never even know when it all was over with. I certainly never will. That is even more disturbing. If the probate court in Detroit late last year, or the Michigan Attorney General more recently, were at least a little more sympathetic and understanding when I reached out to them, I probably would have trusted them. But after the responses I got from both I will now never trust either one of them ever again.

And like I said, this is never justified and could never be right. Not in any situation. As I've told people, if a man walked into a court room holding a gun and told the judge I want custody of my kid, the judge might be justified. At that moment, to hold up a piece of paper and tell him, you've just been given custody. Here's the form. But once they subdue him and put him in a holding cell, the judge should go and gently explain it to him. He was never given custody of his kid. The matter is still pending. When he's released, he can look into that matter. Not keep the deception going for 30 years, showing the man fake forms and having him attend fake hearings. And all the time misleading him, delaying him into thinking something was being done, when he had lost custody of his kid long ago. And what difference would it make if the man was mentally ill? Or even if he genuinely was incompetent? People should always be able to trust our courts and our rule of law. They should always know that the legal documents they see are never fake, for any reason. If someone is a risk, to themselves or others, lock them up. Or get a restraining order. But don't mislead him or lead him along for 30 years. That is obviously wrong. And it's clear how that idea can be misused. Even in the most extreme case. And my case is not even extreme.

 

But you know, I was thinking. A doctor or other medical staff lying to you would be different. For one thing, doctors withhold information all the time. And maybe they even exaggerate, or in extreme cases deceive and lie. But not the legal system. All of us should always be able to trust the integrity of the legal system.

As far as a secret legal guardian, people have a right to know. I know my uncle came down with dementia in 2006. And he was appointed a legal guardian by the court. She was a good legal guardian for him, BTW, I might add. I thought so. But he really didn't even know that moment I think he had a legal guardian. But that is only because he was so far gone mentally. But if you can understand things like that at all, you have the right to know. That you have a legal guardian. I guess even if you know that you have a legal guardian, you wouldn't always know everything they are doing behind your back. And that is just the way a guardian would work anyways. Unless your guardian was making big decisions, especially legal ones. I know my secret guardian has been doing reckless things like trying to take away my car and/or driver's license, and trying to stick me a group home, or some place where it would be cheaper for him and I'd have less say and less medical consent. Those are legal decisions, that if you have a guardian you have a right to know and a right to contest, always.

Also, you know there are other ways a doctor can lie to you, that would be justified sometimes. A court should never tell you that you have custody of a child when you don't. We should always be able to trust out court system. But a doctor could string you along a little. When my father had his second nervous breakdown in 1997, he was a little manic. And he had an appointment with our probate lawyer. Our probate lawyer, I remember, was told to delay him by pretending he still had the appointment. While in reality they were about to hospitalize him shortly. That would be all right for a doctor to do, sometimes. Delay you, feed you misinformation, even tell you your legal case is going better than it really is. That would be all right for a doctor to do, sometimes. But never a court, under any circumstances. And never involving an official legal document.

 

So as I said, as far as I know, everything in my life has returned to the way it was. I'll still be signing fake forms and attending fake legal hearings. Fake forms that say "under penalty of perjury" and fake legal proceedings where people are under oath. And the Michigan attorney general tells me she is unable or unwilling to help me. Even though I told her, if I reached out for help, no one would help me anyways. Because they would be part of the deception.

But they can do that in Michigan. It's perfectly legal. To have you sign fake legal forms and have a secret legal guardian make dangerous reckless decisions behind your back. And how would you even know? Because everyone would be misleading you and playing along. It might be happening to you right now in fact. Are mentally or physically disabled? Or elderly? Better look into that. Or why bother. Because you'll never know. It will always be a secret, perhaps for the rest of your life. It was for me for over 30 years. And I am not even a threat to myself or others. If it's that easy to do, they must being doing often. More often than people know. Because they don't even talk about it in the media or press here. It's a secret.

 

I do suggest to the people in my life that they resolve this matter themselves. Because I am pretty certain now that this secret legal guardian nonsense is due to the fact that I attempted suicide in 1989 and 2004. But I am not suicidal. I never wanted to kill myself either time. It was the people in my life, the horrible psychological abuse I received at the hands of my mental health care providers. And a lot of other people who were involved in that too, I now realized. They made me feel that I would be in unbearable pain for the rest of my life that would never end. And that I would lose all quality of life. And the fact I didn't want that doesn't make me sick or suicidal, it makes me human. No one wants to suffer in unbearable pain for the rest of their life. They'd be sick if they wanted that, not sick that they didn't. Even in 1843, when Charles Dickens wrote "A Christmas Carol" people understood that most people would rather die than end up in place like a prison or public institution. Like when those two gentleman visited Mr. Scrooge asking for a holiday donation. And they told him most would rather die than end up in a place like that. In 1843 then understood that. But in Michigan not wanting to suffer the rest of your life and lose all quality of life is considered a mental illness.

I hope for the sake of the people in my life that they resolve this matter on their own. Not that I will ever believe it is resolved. Because how would I ever know? But if they don't resolve it somehow by themselves, I already told them. My argument, that I am not a danger to myself, is based on the fact that I just didn't want to suffer like that, in pain that never ended. And the people in my life told me I would. A very long list of people. That I already know of. And then they told me that I was morally weak when I attempted suicide those two times. That will always be my argument. I was horribly abused. And I will make sure all the people responsible for all of that are exposed and held accountable. So if the people in my life don't want that to happen, they better show me some change in this situation soon.

 

Also, I wanted to make clear to everyone, and the people in my life, on what I will argue from now on. And for the rest of my life. And I couldn't believe this when I first read it. I was in my community college book store in 1994. And I was reading a text book for psychology students.

It said there is this new disease going around. It typically afflicts people in suffering in horrible pain, suffering from a terminal illness. Maybe others (I forget now, if they said others). It's a political disease. They want their suffering to end. So they support assisted suicide laws. The hallmarks of this disease are voting Libertarian and belonging to Hemlock Society. But, it warned, don't let them do it. Control their actions, it said. Control their information if you have to, it said. Back in the 90's when Dr. Jack Kevorkian was helping one woman end her suffering, the local police took away her pain medicine, because they thought she might use that then to end her life. Do that if necessary, I think it even said. Impose your values on them. Because theirs are clearly wrong, it said.

I do NOT suffer from a political disease because I support assisted suicide laws or the right to die. And most Americans agree with me now. Very conservative Oakland County agreed with me back then, or at least that it was a personal decision. Even the FDA website now gives advice on drugs to use for that. Though they don't endorse the practice necessarily, of course.

And I am forever going to make this part of my argument too. That the people in my life, and that Michigan court, think I have a political disease. And most definitely do not. My political convictions are important to me. They always have been. All my life. Sadly I don't know if I'll ever vote again. Because I suspect that is fake too. But I will always hold the political views I do. And I will never let anyone take them away from me. Always remember that.

 

I guess I will have to keep submitting my case to that Michigan court. Submitting and resubmitting for the rest of my life asking to have my secret legal guardian removed. Because people in my life are back to telling me he never was my secret legal guardian. As I said, my doctors warned me a couple of years ago. And now they are all silent again too. I guess eventually if I keep going down to the courthouse (since all my faxes and emails are being generally ignored), the guard might eventually complain. And I might get locked in a cell for disorderly conduct or contempt of court. Me with my Cerebral Palsy. But I have no choice. And as I told them in a recent email, considering all the things people when they deny them justice. And it obviously happens more often than people realize. Send them a severed finger, send them a picture of their dead cat, crap on their floor in disgust as they leave. My idea is what you're supposed to do, isn't it? When you're denied access to our justice system. When even if you hired a lawyer he'd have to play along. And I'm not an extreme case. I have no history of violence. I'm not a threat to myself. I've never even been in a jail cell. And this nonsense has been going on since 1992. Why? I've been signing fake forms. Forms that look very official. I've been to mock trial. And no one will even admit to the trust even now that I know. And now even the Michigan attorney general refuses to help me.

And how would you know if this isn't happening to you if you live in Michigan? Or any other state? The forms you sign would look authentic. All legal and other proceedings would appear normal, because everyone would be playing along. Until your secret legal guardian started making major decisions in your life. Like to suspend your license or sell your car. Then the DMV would just call you up with a convenient excuse why your driver's license was suspended. Or there would be a convenient excuse why your car was sold out from under you. Or your house. And you would never know what was really going on.

 

And now people in my life are saying I am sending too many message to them. I think they might be saying I am getting paranoid, or irrational. I certainly am not. Do I seem that way to anyone here on the internet?

But you know. If someone were to use that as any excuse to limit my access to the legal system. IOW, put me on some psychiatric hold, to intimidate me. Or just limit my access to the world and the justice system. Or do that to anyone, really, that's a good one. Because that is what would happen there. My/their access to the outside world, and the justice system, would be greatly limited. And plus I/they would be preoccupied with that problem them. I could see how that could work. That is a good one.

But myself personally, if I'm ever put on a psychiatric hold, I'll make sure to tell them that is what I think someone is doing. Then I'll give them all the evidence I have of that. And tell them to investigate the matter further. Also for crimes, misconduct in office, whatever (depending on who's involved).

And, as always, I will make they are held accountable for doing this to me. And that people know this is another tool people use now here to silence and limit the options of an unwanted family member and the handicapped. That's a good one though.

 

Yeah, I was going to this program in 1988 and 9. And they psychologically tortured me for over a year. Because they didn't like me. Because I was lazy and selfish, they told me. (I'm not lazy. I actually have mental fatigue from Cerebral Palsy, as I said.) And that I would be sent to Northville psychiatric hospital, for the rest of my life. Where the akathisia pain would be unbearable and never end. At first in 1987, they said, because they had no choice but to send me there. But in 88 and 89, they said they were sending me there because they didn't like me. Because I was selfish and lazy, the clearly told me. In so many words.

There was a nurse there. R. as her name. She was much older. And she clearly didn't like mentally deficient people. One time, as I said, I told her I was having problems in U of M/Dearborn college. Well, you're taking a special class there, aren't you, she asked. I said, no. I'm taking a remedial intermediate algebra class. Can you help me. Oh, goodness, no. She said. I don't know anything about that subject. Another time she got annoyed with me because she seemed to think I was acting like a mentally deficient person. Well, I tried to explain to her, I'm really not mentally deficient, you know. She got very angry. The subject clearly made her angry. And her sweet, professional persona changed. I forget what she said. But basically it was that those people did make her very angry. And she didn't like me because I appeared like I had that problem.

 

As I said, they tormented me from July 6, 1988 to September 1989, in that hospistal in that nearby suburb of Detroit.. And always with people I thought I could trust. People who went there to that program in 1987. Nice people. A couple hoodlums and ex-cons, apparently, joined in. Usually in the eating area. They were obviously hoodlums or ex-cons. But I wondered why the staff even allowed it. But everyone had to join in on the psychological abuse. It was odd. There was basically no therapy there 1988-9. Not even for the other patients. I'm serious. Just psychological abuse of me. That's basically how they spent the day. They kept using the sick joke, based on numbers that they noticed just coincidentally made me twitch July 6, 1988. So if they were talking about their car, their mortgage, their cholesterol number. It always had those number, and always at the end of the number they gave. Obviously because were making it up, the figures they gave. All day long. (Except for about one hour each day, they'd stop. Which I still haven't figured out.) And they told me they did this, because they didn't like me. Because I was lazy and selfish, they told me. (I'm not lazy. I actually have mental fatigue from Cerebral Palsy, as I said.) And that I would be sent to Northville psychiatric hospital, for the rest of my life. Where the akathisia pain would be unbearable and never end.

At first in 1987, they said, because they had no choice but to send me there. But in 88 and 89, they said they were sending me there because they didn't like me. Because I was selfish and lazy, the clearly told me. In so many words. Then when I left the program there in September, 1989 (not to return till Spring of 1992), they told me. Okay, enjoy your newfound freedom. Your happiness and your new life. But we don't like you. And we're only allowing that because a fate far worse than Northville awaits you down the road now. Is it any surprise I attempted suicide April, 2004?

And now the Michigan courts are trying to say, like my psychiatrist 1986-92, that I am morally weak. And need to be controlled and watched. Because they drove me to suicide. And the Michigan attorney general refuses to help me. Even though she knows about all I've told you, and much more.

BTW, at some point someone in Michigan. Maybe the courts, maybe someone in my life, may try to pin the blame on me. That I am an evil person for some reason. I'm not saying they will. But I am not. Don't believe it. And don't fully trust the Michigan attorney general. I am beginning realize she's not as nice as I once thought.

 

On the other hand, I get the (very vague) impression from people in my life, that something may be done about my case. Maybe by the beginning of next year, which was always my deadline.

So maybe I was too harsh on everyone. Including the Michigan attorney general. Watch the news for any developments on the little known secret guardianship law in Michigan. And what the legislature and attorney general have done about it, especially next year. The Michigan legislation was considering guardianship reform in Michigan. Maybe the reforms affect me, and take effect early next year.

 

Often when my mental history is discussed, the two topics important to mention are substance abuse and sexuality: particularly hallucinogens, the fight to continue as a heterosexual, and the effects of both sexuality and substance abuse in my distant history (think high school) on my personality.

Both have helped me grow and change and both are daunting to remove or factor out entirely. I think religion replaces them though, and I want to live my life understanding my mental history and transcending the challenges presented by conflicts between my personality and a trajectory for the global society as we understand and interact with each other that is less damaging to cultural heritage, roots, origins and upbringings and more congruent and emulous of a values-driven and a morally & spiritually compatible real-time endeavor.

 

BTW, I'm not voting this year. I don't know if I even was, since 1992. How would I know? How would any of you? Are you getting old or infirm? Do you have a minor handicap or issue you need help with?

How would you even know? How would you even know?

 

We have a 'representative' system of government. Right now, I don't feel like either candidate represents my understanding of the world.

I concern myself with how our country effects other countries. Money, economics, and foreign policy make up about half of that. The other half is our legacy of the technological landscape, the military, the internet, service providers, legislation concerning rights and freedoms and the reality of censorship, and our research; the tendency being to quickly research and then get into a textbook the cumulative vetted results, and thus indoctrinated are our findings, other cultures be damned. And with that our spin is somehow lacking in the moral department where it doesn't match the general values of religion, the norms we were raised with, and the expectations that we are expected to emulate and live up to.

I don't think I'm well represented in that regard. It feels like our political science is victory-driven and that we don't prioritize the well-being of people.

I also know these 'indoctrinated' elements also equate so many freedoms. Do I want to take away the freedom to experience the world on life's terms with consideration to the educated landscape, a gender-neutral bathroom, a non-binary choice on every medical form, and therefore without a clear path in spirituality or with a feeling that the weight of the world rests on my shoulders to behave despite the world continuing to turn?

The answer is I don't want to be responsible for taking away freedom, but I can see what needs to change and also that no one will allow it to go that way.

I also will not be voting. When? I try to be objective, but I don't feel well represented.

 

As I tell people, I'm still piecing together how I've been watched all my life, my therapist tells. And they perhaps suspect something is wrong with me that isn't. I know in the 8th grade in my grade school, that boy didn't like the fact I was thinking about him. Even though I never starred at him. I don't think I ever even glanced. And he and his father told me they wanted to beat me up in the worst way. Or send me to juvenile hall. My grade school was a conservative Catholic grade school. And the other boys in my room especially were clearly homophobic, because they made it clear that is why they were getting me in trouble for passing notes. But this was 1981 and 2. And homosexuality was not considered a disease since 1973. I know there's the idea of ego-dystonic homosexuality. You're gay, but you don't want to be. I don't think I've ever had that. I did not identify as gay until adulthood. But my gay feelings and fantasies caused me no problems in grade school and HS. My mother was very open-minded, and didn't seem to really have a problem with it. Actually the school principal in my grade school seemed all right with it I think. I'm not sure. But she seemed to support me with what was going on in my 8th grade with that boy. (When she got up to the podium to speak during an event, that boy would always make sure I saw him glare at her with hate and contempt. Obviously because she supported me and wouldn't go along with whatever he and his father were trying to do to me.)

Actually, whatever, if anything, that boy and his father said or made up about me, by the 8th grade it was clear I was attracted to men's legs. I don't think I ever saw his legs. But that boy was tall and athletic. In September of 1981, a former 8th grade student came back to talk to us. A light-skinned African American boy, I remember. He was wearing short shorts. And the students in class kept giggling and told me later. They could tell I couldn't stop looking at his legs. He would have been about 14. But like that boy he was tall and athletic. And I remember, his legs were covered with coarse hair. My 2022 therapist told me that an attraction to men's legs is usually a fertility thing. Obviously because I subconsciously want to have some men's babies, although I don't think I have gender dysphoria. But that is all perfectly normal for a gay man. The teachers seemed to notice this when I was in the 6th grade. We were looking at a film strip, and there was an ancient Greek statue in one of the slides. Again, I was drawn to the statue's legs. The teacher seemed to notice, and I may have even said something that showed I was attracted to the legs, I forget the details. The point is my sexual development was always normal. Normal for a gay man. I also took a neuropsychological exam in 1985, and I answered truthfully on all the questions. There is nothing that exam could have shown that would indicate I am abnormal or prone to antisocial behavior. I am a very good person. Better than most, as I've said. And if anyone ever tries to say otherwise, I will gladly challenge them and prove them wrong.

I also wanted to talk again about the horrible abuse I got at that hospital I went to, July, 1988 to September, 1989. Abuse of someone by anyone is always a serious human rights violation. But abuse by medical staff is always wrong. We should always be able to at least trust our medical personnel, just like we should always be able to trust the legal documents we sign and the court proceedings we go to. I think that hospital, and anyone else involved in all of that should be exposed for what they did to me and held accountable. What they did in 1988 and 9 was very wrong. And they must be exposed so that no one ever does that again, and so that things like that don't just happen in private. That hospital partial psychiatric program was a large suite in the hospital professional building back then. The owners and management of the hospital obviously knew all about what they were doing to me, the other doctors who worked in that hospital must have known what was going on. How could the police in that city not have known what was going on? That is why they should all be exposed and held accountable for their actions and inactions. So that this never happens again. And to finalize correcting the horrible human and patients' rights and handicap person abuses that were done to me, I need that secret guardianship nonsense ended soon too. And they'll have to prove to me that it is ended. By I don't know how frankly. I will never trust the court system in my state ever again, after I reached out to that one judge late last year, pleading with him and telling him how desperate my situation was, and that my life and safety were in danger. And he just teased me more. They'll just have to try harder to prove it too me and do it soon. And they are not doing either one of those things so far. As far as I can tell, nothing is being done at all. And I still need my guardian now as my trustee on my trust. But he is now back to being smug and complacent. And like I said, last I heard, he is still planning on putting me in a group home, where I would lose all medical consent, and take away my car. Even though he knows how dangerous it would be to live in Detroit without a car, and I'd lose all my independence. And even though he lives in an expensive suburb, and obviously can easily afford to have me keep my car. There obviously is some other reason why he wants to take away my car. Probably once again, to try to prove to people I can't be independent, after he takes away my car.

 

I know around the early 2000's or so, I noticed some people on the internet were lamenting about mentally ill people. Some of them are violent, and we can't afford to build back the mental hospitals. Throw them all in prison. What do I care? they would often say. I was telling that to my therapist in 2011. And he said that really wouldn't work either. Because even that would be too expensive, to put them all in prison. Prison care of the mentally ill is cheaper than hospital and community care. But it isn't free. There may be a lot of prisons in the US, as Charles Dickens might point out. But they certainly don't operate free of cost. And plus, my 2011 therapist pointed out. If all the mentally ill were in prison, where would the criminals go? Where would the people awaiting trial? Places like jails are for bad people. Or for very dangerous people, when there's no other place to send them. But it's not the solution to the mental health crisis in my country. For shame on anyone who even thought that was an option.

 

I still find it hard to believe all that stuff about my mouth saying things without my awareness. I know people since my childhood seemed at times like they could read my mind. But now I realize that was just because they had information I didn't know they had. One time in the 4th grade I was thinking something about this other boy in class. I forget what I thought. Nothing important. But it might have involved some fantasy, or something about him. And he then walked up to me with an annoyed look on his face and told me to shut up, like he knew what I was thinking. And I wasn't talking to anyone at the time. So there was no other reason for him to say shut up.

Anyways, without going into too much detail now, things started getting worse in the 8th grade and then especially in the Summer of 1983 just before my Sophomore Year in HS. Then in my Junior Year, at the end of November I recall, I started seeing my first psychiatrist Dr. T. This was a time in my life when for some reason the personality that seemed to be in my brain was very active. And Dr. T. seemed to hear this unheard voice a lot it seemed. As I was seeing him for the last time I had anxiety the personality would say things that were insulting but really ridiculous. Like that he couldn't read or something like that. As my mother and I were talking to him for the last time, he was clearly annoyed by the unheard voice. He pausing with anger and saying "...unless I can't read..." or something like. I honestly didn't hear a thing. My mother finally said let him speak. Which was odd because she always maintained she heard no voice ever either. Then I had anxiety the unheard voice would suddenly stop just to spite me. And apparently it did.

I know in public I was always aware of my mouth. I at least had my tongue folded over in my mouth since the Summer of 1983, until I became well and free again in the Summer of 1989. And nothing seemed to stop the personality. Humming, talking, holding my mouth tightly shut didn't stop it. Nothing did. I also really wonder if people weren't just pretended I was saying something I wasn't. That would explain a lot of things. Especially now that I am beginning to piece together more and more of what happened.

 

As I've told people in the past, I think I have a right to knowledge and information. Besides having the right to make informed decisions, I also think it protects my safety. Back in 1991, right after that local hospital told me some day I would suffer a fate worse than a lifetime of unbearable akathisia in Northville psychiatric hospital, I got the book "Final Exit" by Derek Humphry. And I think it saved my life, actually. He went item by item why you SHOULDN'T use the traditional methods of suicide. Most of them are dangerous and painful. And some just don't work. It's not worth it.

I know secrecy is partly what led to my two suicide attempts in 1989 and 2004. I guess it might have been going on all my life anyways. I was lied about the circumstances of my birth. I was being watched for intellectual impairment all my life and no one told me. I think when I started having double vision at age 18 all my doctors knew the reason why. They just never told me. Then around the early 90's when I started searching for an answer for that and trying to solve that problem my doctors started misleading me and throwing me red herrings. And now they are all back to secrecy and acting silly again. Like it doesn't matter to any of them and nothing will ever be done to help me. And the attorney general of Michigan, who I hoped might be able to help me, tells me she refuses to. I should seek help myself she says. Which is ridiculous. Even if I chose a lawyer at random in the yellow pages, he would automatically be part of the deception. I can't help myself here. Someone else will have to help me. And everyone refuses to and doesn't seem to care.

And my doctors are all lying about my neuropathy now, which is troubling. Or at least they are trying to limit my information about it for some reason. I went to place for therapy in a nearby city in July. And the nurse practitioner told me with a pleasant smile that I no longer have neuropathy. She was lying. Because a couple of weeks later one of my doctors told me I do still in fact have neuropathy. I know I have permanent nerve damage in my feet that will never go away. But the neuropathy is clearly not getting better. It might even be getting worse. And yet I am supposed to take that Olanzapine whether I want to or not, whether I need it or not. Why? And why is nothing ever going to be done about that as far as I know? No one is doing anything, no one wants to help me. And everything seems to have returned to normal. My legal guardian is smug and complacent again. Like nothing has happened, and like he is back to his old trick again too, I've noticed.

Like I said, I can never go to a place like a group home. I'd lose all medical consent there. I really don't know if I'd even want to go to the emergency room if I had to. Actually, if this matter isn't resolved by the time I am older, I don't think I can even go to a retirement home. Because as I said, I would lose all medical consent there. And I would be at the mercy of whatever ridiculous whim my doctors and the local courts are doing to me at the time with medication. Unless something is done about it soon. And it doesn't look like it will be.

 

I know where I live, disabled is kind of a medical and legal word. I don't fully understand it. But it doesn't mean you're unable to do things. It can just mean you're challenged. In fact that is the word disabled people prefer, challenged. Mentally and physically challenged. And I agree I need a little help and always will. I don't exactly what my problems are. Some of them still may be intellectual. They are complicated. Cerebral Palsy can seem to affect a person's reasoning skills. See, I didn't even know that in 1991 when I concluded I may be intellectually impaired too.

But it shouldn't be done secretly. My legal guardian seems to indicate my disability status is a secret, I am not supposed to know for some reason. I can handle it. If it was partly intellectual, I wouldn't mind. I still think I am somewhere in the normal range. Maybe some parts of an IQ test I would score lower on, maybe even most. But I am beginning to think I might score higher on some parts of that test. And frankly I sometimes appear less intelligent that I actually am. The things I say sound strange sometimes. Sometimes I seem to be immature. But that last one doesn't even have anything to do with intelligence. And all my life I have been told not to sound too intelligent when I talk. (I had an uncle who never forgave me because I used the word "explicitly" once in his presence.) It annoys people I was told. So I was avoiding it all my life. But that's just the way I talk. I can't help it. My language is kind of flowery too. I think the fact I am gay might have somthing to do with that last one.

But there is no need for secrecy. Especially when reckless decisions are being made behind my back. And my therapist seems to agree, my legal guardian might have an IQ even lower than mine. He had all kinds of problems in school, especially high school. Frankly, and I'm sorry to have to say this. But everyone seems to agree, the only reason he has the high-paying job he has now is because his father had seniority with that company, and his father was very intelligent and skilled at his job. Anyways, they told me in 1992 I was being forcibly medicated because I was a noncompliant, with my mental health care. That was never true. I endured all kinds of reckless behavior from my doctors and other mental health care workers, and sometimes horrible abuse. And I never even complained. And, it was my mother who believed I should be on psychiatric medicine in 1992. My psychiatrist revealed to me this year or last that it was her idea that I take those medications, not his. And I might be under some kind of court order now to take them. Even though I don't really need them, and they are damaging and even slowly killing me now. Or, even in 1992 it was kind of alluded to or brought up that the fact I had attempted suicide in 1989, and was interested in the topic of things like assisted suicide. (I had that book "Final Exit" by Derek Humphry well-hidden in my room. But I'm sure my mother found it. She would search every cubic inch of my room, and then carefully put everything back the way she found it. Then, I just recently found out, she'd tell everyone everything she found. Even though no one else has that done to them, and it's really nobody's business what things I am interested in, and the things I sometimes write down for myself [which she used to steal too, and sometimes xerox I found out shortly after HS].) No, I am not depressed or suicidal. But I admit it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in unbearable pain that never ends with no hope of any quality of life. And the police and mental health workers in my life have been telling me since before age 18 that that was exactly what was going to happen someday, soon even. And like I've said, people have been telling me since 1989 that wishing to die rather than suffer like that the rest of my life makes me morally weak. No it doesn't. No one wants that to happen to them. That only makes me all too human that I feel that way. And sadly in my country we often dump mentally ill and handicapped people in places like jails and prisons, sometimes when they aren't even really violent. Like in that book "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. And as one of the two gentlemen tells Mr. Scrooge people often would rather die than go to one of those places. It makes them human, not weak.

Anyways, no one is helping me in my situation. Things are still the way they have always been, even though two years ago my doctors started warning me about this secret guardianship nonsense. In fact now, things seem to settling back even more to the way they were before, like I've said. My doctors are all silent again. My legal guardian seems smug and complacent. Like he was about to be stopped from his reckless behavior with me, but not anymore. Like that burden has been lifted from him. And I am not contemplating suicide now of course. But the secrecy is what led me to think something like suicide was the only option in 1989 and 2004. In fact the secrecy has at times almost destroyed my quality of life. Like before age 18 when I thought sometime, maybe soon, I would end up in Northville psychiatric hospital, Northville, MI. Not because I needed to go there, people told me. But just because they didn't like me, they said. And yet the secrecy continues. And now people in my life are trying to mislead me more. Or, I think what they are trying to tell me is I should just accept the secrecy, and their lies. Even with what I know now about all of this. Accept it and don't complain anymore. But as I've said, I will not. The secrecy is wrong, it's being used to harm me and make reckless decisions behind my back. And it has to end. And it has to some day be proven to me that it has ended. Though I don't know how anyone could ever do that for me. In Michigan, even when you sign a legal document with words like "witness" and "under penalty of perjury" on it, it might be fake. All the contracts I have been entering in since 1992 have been fake too. In fact, I think that is how they were able to kick me off that message board two years ago. I thought it was odd they could get away with that. I thought I had a binding contract with them. But I guess I never really did.

As I said, the secrecy, and all the other ways my case has been mismanaged, has to end. And it has to end soon. And that is why I will have to fight it the rest of my life. Even long after someone tries to convince me that something has been done about it all.