My Mental History.

There's another weird thing about my mental history. People at times have said I have appeared to say things I didn't. Most of the time, the 6 years that was all happening, 1983 to 1989 (if not before then), when I told people that was happening, they told me I was imagining it. And actually, I now know there was often a logical explanation. Logical explanation for why people seemed to know things about me they couldn't possibly. They just got that information some other way. But a couple times as I said, people did seem to react like I was saying something I wasn't. Especially starting in my junior year in HS into my senior. 1984-86, in other words. It actually happened maybe even a lot of times in 1984-6, depending on if you talk about all the times people seemed to be reacting to something I never said. But once again, I think the simplest explanation is the best. I think people were just pretending like that was happening, like they heard me say something I didn't. The way it happened was always weird. People always seemed to have to talk about what I seemed to say when that happened, and always right in front of me so I can overhear the conversation. The only that didn't happen was in 1985, with the guy I was seeing then, Dr. N. He never told me what he heard me say. (To repeat, I was in his office, and I had anxiety the personality would act up. I thought it was a false alarm, and continued with our discussion. But he was shocked and horrified. Something clearly happened. He then said "Oh my God!", but didn't tell me what he heard.) And also by then, I had already told everyone that I thought my mouth was saying things without my awareness. I started talking openly about my mental illness in autumn 1984, when I told my mother in the car and saw my first psychiatrist. And all my doctors must have known about it by then. I told all my family members by then too. Anyways, I never heard my mouth do that even once. And I was always aware of my mouth in public. Plus up till the early 90's, I always at least had my tongue folded over in my mouth when in public, just to be safe.

I have no proof people were lying about that. But is that even possible? Is there a psychiatric disorder that makes your mouth say things without your awareness? Caused by malevolent personality in your brain? What's the name of the psychiatric disorder? And how many people have it? And I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder. My last psychiatrist told me that recently. Is that even a symptom of Schizotypal Personality Disorder?

 

Like I said, my arguments against this stupid secret guardianship thing are simple. And they will always be the same. And I won't stop repeating them for the rest of my life. It's being used to make reckless decisions behind my back, like to take away my car. And I will use this newest issue too. That I am being forcibly medicated, with a medicine I don't even need, and that has permanently damaged me. I have permanent damage in my feet. Possibly my hands too. And my doctors have been lying to me about it. For years, and even now. When they tell me I don't still have neuropathy. (And when I eat even one candy bar, my feet ache. One doctor as I said told me that was due to salt in my diet. I think there is some lie or deception with that too.) And I have a right to make my own medical decisions. And I could make them better or worse than any my former psychiatrist, or any of the other medical professionals in my life. Because I never thought I needed those antipsychotics. And if I knew they were slowly damaging me, I would have stopped them right away in the past. Right at 1992, if I knew the damage they could done to me down the road.

In the US, a person can be forcibly medicated only if he is a danger to himself or others and he is unable to make his own medical decisions. I am not a danger to myself. The fact I was driven twice to suicide was the cause of that long list of people that I will keep repeating from now on. And wanting to die rather than suffer in unbearable akathisia pain for the rest of my life, or spend decades in a prison cell being abused with my Cerebral Palsy. Abused for decades and put there on trumped up or made up charges on top of that. That doesn't make me mentally ill. That makes me normal and human. And I am not a danger to others either, in any way. I am a very good person. I have never even spent the night in jail. I am very law abiding and always have been. And I am not selfish or immature, or of very low intelligence, like they were trying to say at that hospital in 1988 and 9. And if anyone tries to make those arguments, that I am a danger to myself or others, I will challenge them. And I will fight them head-on if necessary. I want the people in my life to always remember that.

 

I might as well tell this story. As I've said, my father and I took a tour of the historic east coast. It was a nice trip. We met a lot of interesting people there. Including this old Australian couple. (They were both very nice. I enjoyed the trip, as I said. But some of the things they did were kind of weird. I won't get into that now. But no. They were nice, and the trip was nice, as I said.) But speaking of ex-Michigan governor Jim Blanchard, we were in an airport in DC, I believe. And we saw Mr. Blanchard off in the distance. I thought at the he was there because he was the United States Ambassador to Canada under President Bill Clinton. He did look like he was on some kind of official business. But I I just read online he was ambassador from 1993 to 1996. As I said, our trip was in the Summer of 1998. But Blanchard was off in the distance, as I said. And I was excited to see a famous person. You don't get that chance very often, you know. So I said (and I thought I was being discreet), look over there. It's Governor Blanchard. And Mr. Blanchard got very nervous. Even worried. I would say scared, frankly. And he looked like he wanted to leave the room. But he was looking for luggage to come on the conveyer belt. Then at one point, he ducked into a nearby room, he was so nervous. I was a little confused. As I said, I didn't think I was being that obvious. Plus I was one person in a crowded airport, off in the distance. How did he even notice me? It was still a nice trip. But I thought about that for a while. Do I look that strange to people? Like a dangerous mental patient? Because people started telling me that around age 14. The kids in my HS freshman year used to tell me I looked like a "space cadette" to them. That is the first time anyone ever said that to me. And I still don't know what they meant. It all began at age 14, as I said. I thought it was because I shot up in height at 14. Like over the Summer. But at age 13, I was already getting much taller. Like most boys that age. I thought that Mr. Blanchard thought I looked like a mental or psychiatric patient to him. But everything about that incident never made sense. I know one time my father and I were at the historic Greenfield Village museum grounds in Dearborn. This was in the early 2000's, I am pretty sure. And John Engler was still governor of Michigan. His wife and he just had two girls, and they were still pretty young then. His wife was posing girls in a sled in the village. It was Summer. But I think the photo was for some publicity opportunity. A lot of employees at the village were looking on at the sight. Several visitors. So were my father and I. Mrs. Engler had a pleasant smile, as she was posing her girls. But there was a man standing nearby. He looked like some kind of detail for Mrs. Engler. Kind of like the president of the United States secret service officers. And he was barking something hysterically into a walkie talkie or cell phone. I don't know if it was because of me. No one else on the scene seemed concerned. As I said, everyone was relaxed, including Mrs. Engler, just watching what was going on. I still wondered about that one too.

I know I brought up that I looked like a dangerous mental patient to the man who used to work for me. He acted weird sometimes too, BTW. Almost like he was playacting or something sometimes. But he sent me a nice message on Facebook in July of 2022. Saying he missed me. Right after he was abruptly terminated by my legal guardian. (And then was replaced by this unusual lady, who told me at first she was there to spy on me. But then denied ever saying that. She also told me she had a degree in psychology, and denied that later too. Actually, all the people who worked for me after my father died in 2011 seemed to have degrees in psychologies. All for different reasons, it seemed. And some became kind of vague when I asked them anymore about that, for some reason.) But that guy who worked for me till 2022, along with his wife was nice otherwise. And he told me, no. You don't look like a mental patient at all to me.

So I don't know anymore.

 

On the subject of my legal status of having a guardian. I was once telling my doctor, there actually is an advantage to my having a legal guardian. He or she couldn't just drop me or try to dump me. Because since about 2011 that is exactly what my legal guardian has been trying to do. If he was my legal guardian, he couldn't do that. I don't know if about that though. That can be worked out later for me. I just never knew he was my secret legal guardian. And I didn't know he was misusing that power over me, to get rid of me and limit my ability to make decisions in my life. My doctors warned me about that, starting last year I think. And I could tell they knew they were facing a legal risk when they did. So maybe having him as my legal guardian is not a good idea. But I will always need the trust and him as trustee.

Like I was saying recently to a doctor, my mother was talking about me being under legal guardianship. I was about 18 when she brought that up. I am not sure why I would meet the legal definition of that. I still think I might be borderline intellectually impaired. But I think I am still somewhere in the normal range. And I think most of my problems are just emotional, and due to things like Cerebral Palsy. I agree I need a little help and always will. And I can accept my legal status, even if it is that I am intellectually impaired. I also think I can get better benefits with my Cerebral Palsy as my status. One doctor said it would make no difference. That isn't true. There is still no parity for mental illness in the US. I could probably get better benefits with CP as my diagnosis. I also obviously have autism. But all you doctors claim that isn't true or isn't important. It's obviously true, and it might get me better benefits too. I'm just trying to figure out if my doctors knew about all this. Like from the time I could walk on, like I tell people.

Also, my IQ level is not clear to me. One doctor say there is no point in testing it now. Because it was tested? I never took an IQ test. I took things like the IOWA scholastic aptitude test in grade school and the SAT. And I always did well on those, sometimes very well. Or was I taking something else? Was that just a sham of some kind? I am very confused by all of that. Also, the people in my neighborhood think my intelligence is incredibly low. Like on the level of a child or baby. Obviously because someone told them that. What were they told? As I said, I still think I might be borderline mentally impaired. But I don't have the mind of a child.

I could have a legal guardian, and the status of a intellectually handicapped person, if it helps me. But it has to be done by working with me. All this secrecy is harming me. And it's being used to make reckless decisions behind my back. I had hair loss on the bottom of my legs since I was seeing one doctor, and my father was alive. That was at least 15 years ago. And I wasn't even taking an anti-diabetes drug then yet. I was reading online recently that you can't force a person to take a medicine in the US unless they are a risk to themselves or others. And I told all the people in my life already. I attempted suicide those two times, 1989 and 2004, because I was being psychologically abuse. And I will keep sharing that long list of people, every time I try to file a complaint. That those people wanted me to believe that the unbearable pain would never end. I will keep repeating that list of people, every time the subject of my rights comes up. Or even anytime I am in a situation where someone is allegedly trying to help me. Like if they try to convince me a group home is a better option for me. And I am not a risk to others because I like coffee and donuts, and thus lack self-control. I think is what people at that hospital I was going to in 1989 were trying to tell me in 1989 as I left. And I will defend myself on that issue too, if I ever have to. Plus, I was reading online that you can never be forced to take psychiatric medication if it is obviously harming you. Now I know that my doctor knew that it was harming me. For at least 15 years, as I said.

 

I just sent my therapist an email now. About the weird things people have done to me over the years. Teachers, doctors, lawyers. And other people you'd never think of. Maybe even cashiers and store managers. Maybe. I'm serious. Innocent things. Like otherwise harmless words, harmless numbers. Gestures and things like coughs. They knew they meant something to me, even some place like public. They may have been a form of negative reinforcement. I'm still not sure. But they soon became a form of psychological abuse.

In HS they led to me being unable to be in public, for six years. In that hospital in 1988 and 9, they became psychological torture. And, like I just emailed my therapist, they are or were meant to criticize me. To either show that people think I am evil, or just selfish.

Or, sometimes (and I'm serious about this), to show that people think I am or am acting foolish. Maybe even mentally deficient at times. Starting in HS, as I said. As I told my therapist now, it all sounds so silly. But it will be part of my case how for patients and human rights abuse. Because in my life, it was taken way, way too far. And it was never necessary.

 

Also, I just emailed my therapist. And I already brought this up with my other cousin last year, I believe. The reason why people were trying to take away my car, basically on a whim, was because they view me differently. I have less rights and lower social status to them. The life I live, my opinions, my very life itself, has less value than them. Whether this is because of my perceived intellectual or psychological status. Whether it's because I'm gay. I don't know. Because if someone in my neighborhood was driving around without tags, without a license. If they even had a suspended license or warrant for their arrest. They'd leave them alone, because they think it's none of their business.

And they wouldn't stick their nose into everything they're doing. They wouldn't observe them closely. They wouldn't tell them they were going to prison soon, and then tell them like you'd tell a child. They certainly wouldn't endanger their lives. But they think it's all right to do that all to me. Because they look down on my, and view me as having less value than them and others.

 

Yeah, I sent my therapist an email tonight. I've been telling him about some of the ways my case has been mismanaged, really right from the start. One thing is, my doctors knew I had Type II Diabetes and neuropathy in my feet. This was when I was seeing the doctor I saw right after my mother died in 1996. I forget when he first told me. But this has been going on for a very long time, I know. Before I was even taking medicines for Type II Diabetes.

And people have been endangering my safety in other ways. Like by making innocent things in my life into big deals. Or drawing attention to perfectly innocent things I do, and making me think that people think it's suspicious. Because I look like a mental patient to people, for example. And I won't go into this next one too much. But I think someone has been telling my neighbors horribly untrue things about me. Things that even now endanger my safety where I live.

 

You know I was talking to a seller on Ebay about this recently. Right after my father died in 2011, I stopped getting mail. Mail delivery was still regular then (I'll stop short of saying it was ever good, in the US, or where I live). Finally a doctors' office told me an important envelope they sent me was returned. And I called my post office, and they told me. The mail carrier cancelled all my mail after she found out my father had died. I said, well yes, but you know I still live here. And he said, yes she knew. But she just didn't think you needed mail anymore. I was thinking recently. Because she thought I was going to be put away in a mental hospital, or perhaps just group home. Or even worse perhaps. Something both of which never happened, because I'm a good person and did nothing wrong.

You know, people have to continue doing their jobs, even when someone apparently is (to use a general term) going away for good soon. That is important, and only fair. For many groups. Including the accused and convicted, BTW.

This is a very important issue, what I just brought up. People, especially government employees (government employees in the most general sense I mean—including people like policemen and corrections officers) have to continue doing their jobs. As directed, and defined by law. And they must not ignore or disobey any of the rules.

This along, with people signing fake legal forms and going fake legal proceedings, is a very important human rights issue. For the mentally ill, the handicapped, and even people like the accused and convicted criminals. I urge anyone who reads this to at least consider supporting this cause too.

 

Seriously now. I called my doctor's office yesterday. And I told them, I put a bandaid on my right leg calf. And I removed it yesterday. It's very red underneath. It might just be a rash. The doctor said to keep it clean and dry, don't put alcohol on it, and wash it once a day. I think I might even wash it twice a day. But you know, I can't trust any of my doctors now. And if I ever go to a place like a hospital, I could lose all medical consent. And, I was hospitalized a couple of days in 2018. And it looks like someone was carefully searching my house. I still don't know who.

 

Also, if I did have to go inpatient, even for a couple of days. Someone would have to take care of my two cats. And it would have to be someone I could trust. Which basically is no one, now.

 

You know I just sent my therapist an email, and others. I told him, I think whatever else Mr. Trump does, priority should always be given to the rights of the handicapped and mentally ill. And people like gays and the transgendered. They have had it hard in US society for so long, and other places. So they deserve that special attention.

 

Like I was telling my therapist recently, I think all this nonsense about taking away my car and driver's license, may be a hidden threat. A hidden threat of physical harm even. I'm serious. There have a been a lot of those all my life. From the threat I'm going to Northville psychiatric hospital in Michigan, and experience unending akathisia pain for the rest of my life. That threat began before I turned 18 even. Then when I left that program in September, 1989, they said I would experience something even worse than that. But they never said what. There have been other physical threats, other acts of physical violence that might be done to me. All of them, said or implied to me over the years. I told me therapist about all of them by now. But fortunately none of them have come true yet.

I could be wrong. But it seems to me that is what it is. The claim I looked very intellectually impaired began with the medical workers in my life in 1989. Then by 2005, or even 2001 with those two local policemen, the claim was made to me. Yes, people told me you're a very good driver with an excellent record. But you look very mentally impaired to me, they'd say. So should you still be driving at all then? Actually, I was just telling my therapist. That may have begun even before 2001. The whole thing, with people claiming I looked very mentally impaired to them started in 1988 or 9, as I said.

I told my legal guardian it would be very dangerous to live in Detroit without a car. There are no pharmacies or supermarkets within walking distance. None of my doctors are within walking distance. And he certainly isn't going to be my chauffeur. I can't even rely on him in an emergency. He seems to understand all that. But he says my car insurance is costing him too much. Even though he lives in a very exclusively suburb of Detroit. As far as I know, he is still planning on taking away my car some day. Because that's the last thing he said on that subject.

I have a doctor who seems to think also think certain groups shouldn't be driving. A couple of years ago I brought up the subject of my driving. Very indirectly I think. And he acted annoyed and like he thought I was acting silly. And again, he seemed to be saying I seemed very intellectually impaired to him, even though I am supposedly normal. And since I am a very good driver, he must mean he just thinks certain groups should be driving in Michigan. At least in his opinion. I wasn't sure for a while about the legal status of intellectually impaired people in Michigan. I started wondering around the early 90's if they were even allowed to drive here. I recently found, all people, with all handicaps, have the same rights as anyone else. Until the opposite is proven. And plus I am a very good driver with an excellent record. And my legal guardian and that doctor above seem to know that. But they think I shouldn't be driving for some other reason.

As I said, everyone already knows how dangerous it would be to live in Detroit without a car. So I personally think this is just a clever hidden threat. A threat of physical harm to me. That would make sense. There have been a lot of those in my life all my adult life. And they often are in the form of something that seems harmless or that can't be controlled or helped.

 

I just sent an email to my therapist. And as I told him, I now have something new that will always be part of my argument against the local court that has me under secret guardianship for over 30 years now, and that is forcibly medicating me too. My doctors knew about my Type II Diabetes and neuropathy for 15-20 years now. That is when I first told my doctor about the hair loss on the bottom of my legs. He told me he didn't see it or didn't think it was that bad. It was a sign of those two things. And I wasn't even taking Metformin for my diabetes yet. And now nothing is being done. My doctors are all back to telling me I am imagining things and nothing is wrong. Nothing is being done, and what that court did to me, or how it failed to see the harm it was doing, has now led to permanent nerve damage in my feet, my doctors tell me. And this shows the problem with secrecy and lack of medical consent. I would never have consented to those medicines, or I would have taken some action, if I knew 15-20 years ago that I already had diabetes and neuropathy. I think my father would have too. But no one even told me what was going on.

I also need help with my feet now. I can still walk and drive and function. I still wear diabetic boots because no one has helped me so far to get special shoes or socks, but they seem to work for driving still. And I am going to pick up a prescription for diabetic shoes soon, only after I finally asked again. I also have wounds on my legs that aren't healing. I was treating them pretty well with petroleum jelly and a band aid. That worked, but I left one on too long, and it led to a rash. I think the rash has healed, and in the future I won't leave the band aid on so long. But maybe I should go to a diabetic wound care clinic. Not one of my doctors has even suggested that so far. And I will have to do a medical procedure now for the rest of my life. But it caused a little bleeding. Because my doctor didn't give me enough instructions. He never returned my call. None of my doctors have, actually. And yet they claim the real problem is that I am always late for their appointments.

I think the problem here is secrecy and denying me all medical consent. I think the reason, or part of the reason, might be that people claim I am a suicide risk, because I believe suicide is justified, if the pain is unbearable and will never end, and if there is no hope for any quality of life. And if I ever felt that way, it was the fault of the people in my life from grade school on. Not my fault. And I am not a danger to anyone else either. If people thought I was, it was because people were lying about me. Starting again, in grade school. Usually to hide their own mistake or something they had done. I am a very good person. I have never even spent the night in jail.

And I am very capable of making my own medical and other decisions. I agree I will always need a little help. But many of my problems are due to Schizotypal Personality Disorder, and since 2011 I now know, Cerebral Palsy too. I need to have the legal status of Cerebral Palsy, to get benefits and any other help I need. But one doctor tells me there would be no point in that. I disagree. As I said, nothing is being done. And since no one is telling me anything still, I guess as far as I know it will remain that way for the rest of my life.

 

Like I was recently telling my therapist, there are some things that are simply never justified. I've always had a firm moral compass, so I've always known this was true. This idea is brought up in the Killing baby Hitler thought experiment and ethical dilemma that I was sharing with people recently. If killing a little baby is ever justified, even if he were baby Hitler. The examples I gave my therapist were falsely accusing someone of something, and using medical care, including mental health, to hurt someone. Those things are never justified under any circumstances. And if someone thinks they have found an exception where these things are justified, they should reexamine the situation. And perhaps reexamine themselves too.

I've heard people say, for example, that a lie would be justified, if done briefly, and for reasons of something like national security. And by lie, I mean deceiving someone of course. And I guess that might be right. But something like falsely accusing someone of something just can never be justified, under any circumstances. I also know in my country, some people think there is moral equivalence with things. That if someone is guilty of something really bad, it would be all right to accuse them of something equally bad. That just isn't true. And plus, you may be wrong thinking what they did was that bad. Maybe just you think it is.

Also, medical care should never be used to exploit or harm. Because we rely on it. We think people who work in that field can always be trusted. And medical personnel are always supposed to be neutral in any conflict, and only there to help. That is why there is an international rule that when a car or van displays a red cross during war, no one can fire on it ever. Also, people who get medical care, like the handicapped, the mentally ill, the old and the vulnerable need special care and special protection from people who work in that field.

I know for a while I wondered if the way I was abused in that hospital in 1988 and 9 even happened. I thought for a while maybe it didn't. I know even at the time people told me I was just imagining it. I only found around 2011, over 20 years later, it all really did happen, just the way I experienced it. But it's still a good thing I thought it all never really happened. I think it helped me deal with it, and heal and move on from all that happened then.

 

As I was telling my therapist recently, I was kept in a constant state of panic, starting with that hospital telling me in September, 1989 enjoy your new life, but a fate worse than a lifetime of akathisia Northville mental hospital now awaits you. Even before then, my psychiatrist drove me to attempt suicide July 16, 1989 by telling me he was part of the conspiracy July 8th. And then he told me I was morally weak, because he drove me to attempt suicide July 16th. And I think this is part of the argument that local court is making against me. I am a suicide risk, even though they must have known full well that I was being kept in a constant state of panic, actually starting before I was even 18 (when that Northville threat began). And now the court has refused to help me in any way. They are not lifting even a finger to help me, and as far as I know, everything has returned to business as usual. But I think the suicide risk is their main argument. No one ever tells me anything. But that is actually what I first thought with that sick plastic gloves "infection and death" joke in 1992.

There were many other threats that followed. Including the threat of being falsely accused of something some day. With an incident with the occupational therapist in that hospital in Summer, 1992. I told my therapist about that in 2011. And he said I may have just misunderstood. But I never thought I did. As I said, this will now be part of my official claim. To end all the secret guardianship nonsense, and to restore all my rights. That and the fact I was neglected by the medical community early on. One doctor told me it was obvious by the way I walked that I had Cerebral Palsy even as a child. And yet they didn't help me, they put in harms way at times. And now I could get a better legal and disability status with Cerebral Palsy, even though one doctor tells me that would be pointless. And now my doctors aren't helping me. They aren't taking the most simple steps to deal with my neuropathy and Type II Diabetes, which I definitely still have, they now admit. I should go to a diabetic wound clinic now. And maybe some kind of massage or ultra sound therapy would help me. But as I said, none of my doctors even return my phone calls usually.

As I said, all of this will be part of my official claim from now on. All I just said above, and all I have said before. I will have to resubmit it every month I guess. And get others involved too, telling them each time about all my claims, and what I went thru. And like I said, I was kept in a constant state of panic. Probably to prove that I was prone to panic. And that court at least knew all about in. And now they refuse to help me, because they think business as usual, and more secrecy and lies is the correct way to go.

 

Also, my doctor was telling me. My bladder is thin and almost ready to burst. Another doctor told me this about 20 years ago, my bladder is stretched large. I have incomplete emptying of my bladder. And incomplete emptying of my number two function too. This was obvious early on. They knew I had frequent urination in the 8th grade. I first noticed it at age 9. And I must have told people, or I remember my parents noticing it. I have problems related to Cerebral Palsy. I require special care. And my independence must be preserved at all costs. So I am not at place like a group home where I would be at the mercy of every whim of that court that is mismanaging my case even now. So I need treatment for my feet now, immediately. Not when all this nonsense ends. I can't wait for that, and that will probably never happen from what people tell me.

 

There's another weird thing about my mental history. When I bring up certain subjects, people act like it's odd the way I do it. I don't think the tone of my voice is any different. But this has happened more than once. Like when I bring up my driving. And this has been going on for a long time, with more than one person. With many people, I'd say. Like one time, I was talking to one of my doctors about how I would get to the ER if I passed a kidney stone. I pointed out, there is a hospital within walking distance, if it happens at home. And then he paused, and rolled his eyes, and his eyebrows went up. He clearly got very annoyed, like he thought I was was acting silly for some reason. He told me, you're talking about your driving again, aren't you? Or this next one is ever weirder. I started telling one doctor how I had an exceptional mother. And again, he paused and started acting annoyed, like way I said that was odd. I don't think it was. But I don't know. Around that same time, I was telling a lady on the phone same thing. That I had two exceptional parents. And she told me it she found it very bizarre, the way I said it.

Also, a couple of years back, people were acting like my mouth was saying things again, without my knowledge. It happened with one of my doctors. I was in her office. And she started acting like she was scared, like threatening or disturbing words were coming out of my mouth that weren't. But she did it in a very obvious and contrived way. I could tell she was faking it. Some guy in my neighborhood did the same thing, around that time, for some reason. Maybe they were just trying to tell me something. Then one time I was in a drug store, checking out by the front door. And an older lady laughed, like she couldn't believe I said something. I was silent, and no one else was talking. A woman next to her seemed to hear it. And the cashier was annoyed by it. We were the only ones in the store at the time. The same thing happened at a supermarket I was going to then, before this I think. There was this young teenage cashier. She was always very rude with me. As I already told people, sometimes there, the bag boy would forget to put something in my bag. It happened so often, I realized it was on purpose. So I just went to the self checkout after that. But that young teenage cashier. She used to be rude and obnoxious. She'd mumble under her breath, so I couldn't hear what she was saying. But I could tell she was insulting me, or commenting on me. She seemed to have a problem with mentally deficient people. And she seemed to think, maybe I was that. I asked her once if I could use change at the cash register. She said no, not that much. Go to the Coin Star kiosk. Then as I was walking away, she turned an middle aged man who asked if I was annoying her a little. She said maybe I should just stay home, or drop the charade, whatever that even means. Anyways, the young teenage cashier, she didn't like me, one time I was talking to her, trying to be polite. And I made a small quip. This is going to sound odd. But the intensity of my emotions rose. Or maybe I was trying to sound clever. IOW, things that used to annoy people, or make the personality I used to think was in my brain act up, or both. And she turned to a girl next to her and laughed, like she could believe it. Couldn't believe I said something, that I know I didn't. This was in a crowded store too. And no one else seemed to hear anything, at least that I know of. Why are people trying make me believe my mouth is still saying things without my awareness? This has been going on at least since HS. That I have appeared to say things I didn't. But if I ask people if I was appearing to do that, they always denied it later.

Another thing too, how people can appear to read my mind. As I said, it's just an old parlor trick. It involves having information the person didn't know you had. And delivery too. Delivery was never a problem for me if people were doing that, because I am too trusting of people on average. And I sometimes don't know when people are deceiving, or even trying to harm me. They always seem so nice about it. And people I thought I could trust always support them later, saying I was just imagining all of that. Anyways, when I asked people leading questions as a child, and they seemed to know what I was thinking, that's one explanation. Or, I was thinking recently, if they use trigger words. Words that I associate with things.

I'll give a hypothetical example I was thinking of. If my first cat was named Taffy, and I didn't know they knew that, and they brought up. I would then be thinking of my first cat, or cats in general. They could just say, today for snacks, we're having the candy taffy. Then, if they did it convincingly, looked around like they heard me say something. And then paused and looked up. And then said, you know, we'll have pet therapy today. You all will be petting some cute cats. Now that did happen a couple of times. I'm sure it did. At a clinic I was at in 1992. I'm sure it did now. That's what he was doing. And I just remembered. And a couple of other times too. I'll think more of it. But I think I'm onto something. It involves people having information about me I didn't know they had, as I said, and a believable delivery. And like I said, they sometimes pause and look around like they just heard me say something that I didn't. Often in a crowded room. But I guess other people there wouldn't think much of it, or know why they did that IAE.

 

I was also going to point out, like I have before. I think my strength in dealing with these things was amazing. Starting at age 11, I was led to believe I was too ugly to have any kind of life. Too ugly to beg for food even. People on the phone could even tell how ugly I was. Then starting before age 18 even, I was led to believe I would spend the rest of my life in unending akathisia pain in Northville psychiatric hospital. Then starting July 6, 1988, I was exposed to a level of psychological abuse I never was before. People humiliated and degraded me in the worst way possible. People I thought I could trust, like doctors and nurses and kindly old ladies. They spent most of the day at the place I was supposed be getting therapy just tormenting me. And I think I handled it well. I actually learned I had a lot more strength than I knew. I've heard of cases in the news where people are driven to acts of desperation. And it's usually facing less abuse and hardship than even that. And then my doctor told me starting the Summer of 1989, that I was morally weak. Because he drove me to attempt suicide July 16th. And then when I was released me from that place where the people mentally abused me for over a year, they let me go. Telling me someday I would face a fate even worse than Northville, but wouldn't tell me more. But I didn't even attempt suicide until April, 2004. By which time all kinds of people had joined in that abuse and nonsense too. I'm not morally weak. I think in many ways I am more morally strong than average. And a better person too.

And if someone is still trying to argue I need to be put away for these reasons, maybe they are the ones that are morally weak. And maybe they should be put away somewhere. And have their rights and privileges, like their driving privileges, suspended. Instead of me, like they still sometimes say.

 

I was going to say. My weight gain began by 1994. I started taking that Mellaril in 1992. And in 1994, my weight went beyond 200 lbs. for the first time ever. 205 lbs., I still remember. And I've been steadily increasing in weight ever since, a couple of pounds each year. Now I am about 250, last time I checked. Also, in 1994 is when all the physical symptoms began. Weird spots, a callous on right calf that stayed there for years, and which my doctors never fully explained. I don't know when the Type II Diabetes and neuropathy began. The hair loss on my legs, I think, was a very long time ago. My father was still alive, and he died in January, 2011. Plus I don't know when I first told my doctor about it or when he first noticed it. The hair loss is still there, it never grew back. And I thought my socks were causing it. So I started wearing crew socks. But that was a long time ago. I don't even know what happened to my crew socks. I think I threw them out shortly after my father died.

And I can never go to a group home. There I would be at the mercy of that court that has been mismanaging my case since at least 1992, and my legal guardian too frankly. I can't lose my car either, because I'd lose all independence, all medical consent, all ability to take care of myself. And last that I heard, my legal guardian is still thinking of taking my car away. He says the insurance is too expensive, even though he lives in an affluent suburb. Plus my doctors warned me about my secret legal guardian. At great legal risk to themselves I could tell. Now they are all back to being silence again, and business has returned to business as usual too, as far as I know.

 

GOOGLE AI: should people with Cerebral Palsy [be treated with] neuroleptics?

No, people with cerebral palsy should not be treated with neuroleptics, as they can have severe adverse effects. In fact, dopamine blockade can be harmful for people with cerebral palsy. One case study found that a 15-year-old boy with cerebral palsy developed severe cognitive and motor impairments after being given haloperidol, a dopamine antagonist and typical antipsychotic medication.

People with cerebral palsy may be treated with other medications to manage symptoms, such as:

Anticonvulsants

These medications reduce the frequency of seizures by slowing down brain and nervous system activity. Common anticonvulsants include barbiturates, benzodiazepines, and Keppra.

Pain medication

Medications such as diazepam, gabapentin, and botulinum toxin injections can help ease pain.

Vitamin D

This can help promote bone health in children with cerebral palsy who are unable to walk.

People with cerebral palsy may also benefit from non-drug interventions, such as relaxation training, biofeedback, and therapeutic massage.

I told everyone I thought I had brain damage after I took Haldol over a month November-December, 1984. And I was right, I guess. And now I'm still under some secret guardianship/forced medication by that court. Not because I am a bad person or did anything wrong. But obviously to hide their mistakes. And when I reached out to that judge late last year, he refused to help me. He seemed to even think it's all funny even. And now nothing is being done. And business has returned to normal as far as I know.

I need help now, to preserve my independence. In a place like a group home, I'd be at the mercy of that court, and my legal guardian. I need to always drive. And I need things like therapy and diabetic shoes now too.