Need a friend tonight

I dont mean to be a dick but it is kind of funny how your worried about the guy getting your baby when your drinking and smoking drugs also...but hey thats life

 

Jade, we've talked a few times on the forums, enough for you to realize that what your going through right now is at the heart of your situation, the same as what I have been dealing with for the past year and a half. So just hear me out, it's the most simple advice I can manage to share.
Since I split with Jack's mom due to personal issues we had with each other, which was right close to a year and a half ago, I've had to deal with 3 'serious, stick around type' boyfriends his mother has had, as well as 5 'friends' who were with her every day which became quite clear to me that she was sleeping with, sleeping in the same bed with while my son was in her care. My son has dealt with a total of 8 other men who tried to take the position of a boyfriend so far in his short life, his 2 and a half years currently. Boys come and go from her life so often that it makes me sick to this day, and this is not a judgement on her issues with lust and instant sense gratification because that's none of my business. What makes me sick about it is that she sleeps in the same bed in the same room as my son with all of these different boys and to her, that is not a problem.
I dont like to discuss this because it is a part of my past that I am not proud of, but to try and help you cope with your situation I will share. The reason I broke off the engagement to his mother, asides from the tedious details of our major differences as personalities and lifestyles, was because I was being charged with a hit and run, a felony, which in reality was not a hit and run, but that's besides the point Im on parole now and it's over and done with. After she feared that I was serving a minimum of 5 years, her true colors started to come out and she abandoned me within 2 months for a 25 year old drug addict who lives with his parents, and I knew because of the obvious signs I picked up that I was being cheated on. So I forced the truth out of her and told her that we were done. She lied to me again and told me she is moving in with her father and I was on my way back to West Philly to stay with a cousin until I could afford my own place. She moved right in with the new guy in his parents house and had her every whim respected and payed for without having to worry about a thing, while I was suffering and struggling just to afford gas to get to and from work, let alone food and milk and diapers.
The kid she moved in with cheated on her, and she cheated on him, found a new boy, and moved in with him. This sort of situation repeated one more time before she fucked every situation she was put in so badly that the only people who would accept her in their home was her parents, so she moved in with him. When this happened, I finally had some peace of mind thinking that at least her dad will look out for Jack's best interest and not allow her to have random boys sleep over and allow her to stay high and drunk every night.
Man was I ever wrong, because she only got worse. Right now she is with someone who I KNOW from my highschool, I know the kid sells drugs, I know he is a drunk, and I know what an ass he truly is, and I have to deal with his face and her lies and her avoiding telling me that he sleeps with her in the same room my son sleeps in every time she drops him off from daycare to me.
While on the other hand, I've dated 3 girls since then, and the first two lasted no longer than 2 months, and not only did I not sleep with them, I wouldnt even bring them around Jack out of fear of him being confused about why does daddy and mommy get comfortable and have compassion for so many other people? as well as my own personal reasons for abstaining from sex with people I have no real emotional attachment to. Then I met Iliana (Autentique), we fell in love in a way I never dreamed of, and she is a wonderful person for Jack to look up to and she does not even act as any more than friends with me when Jack is in her presence.

Basically, what you have to do, what is the most simple truth but a difficult mental process, is get over Jade's father completley. You can not have an influence on what he does when your not around as others here have stated, but you can prevent yourself from worrying about things that are completley out of your hands. I have to accept the fact that my son's mother is very sexually active and thinks nothing wrong with allowing boys to get close to our son and then completley drop them out of his and her lives by replacing with another boy on an average bimonthly basis.
The only thing I can do is remain pure myself, try and teach by example rather than by arguing and bitching about it, and as my son grows, show him what being humble, modest, honest and respectful to his own body and other's and hope for the best. It's a very shitty situation to have to deal with and it most definitley will make you feel like you are at your wits end with stress and depression. Im not here to judge you on your drinking or smoking or whatever, because I did the same thing for the first few months of being a single father. But you get over it, the wounds heal and the natural instinct of being a parent will override and self-issues you are dealing with, which are only temporary.
Good luck and good health to you and Jade, stay safe, stay strong, and always come out on top by leading with the example of your proper behaviour rather than trivial mental miscreations and anxiety in regards to her father's parenting ability. Like the other poster here mentioned, if you are truly concerned that he is going to do your daughter wrong in any way, get sober and take full custody. It's your only option for peace of mind if her father's lifestyle warrants such disturbance.
namaste

 

Well you have to understand something. I had one drink, and I also am living with my mom, dad, and sister. So if I get a little buzz there is still a whole household that can take care of something that might go wrong. Like say she needs a ride to a hospital or doctor. Also I smoke at night after she's in bed, and my parent's have gone to bed. So all I have to do at that point is toke up and go to sleep.

The difference here is that he does coke, and he's a heavy drinker. He can't just drink 1 or 2 beers and be fine. He'll finish a 12 pack in the course of a couple of hours. He'll drink all night long, stay up all night long doing lines. Downloading porn on the internet, blasting shitty music upstairs in the apartment, and breaking shit. He's an addict with a rage problem. Not the best man to have a child with, but what's done is done, and I can't take that back.

So if he were to go out and party with somebody and they wanted to do coke he'd go right back in his old ways REAL quick.

So what the hell is wrong with me having a drink and smoking a joint on a friday night when there are other people around to help with jade?

 

absolutely nothing.as long as jade is all set and has all her needs taken care of then there aint no problem with you haveing a drink or 2 and puffin up a joint.now if you were high and drunk all day every day and not paying attention to the baby then there is a problem.

 

yea exactly! I never do that.. that would be really bad parenting lol. I just like to relax once in awhile after a hectic day of chasing around a toddler, and thinking about the ex.

 

WHOAAAAAA

 

Maybe the question should be "what the hell is wrong with me having feelings of any kind for a man who'll stay up all night long,drink a 12 pack, do lines,blast music,download porn,break shit and has a rage problem.An ADDICT with a rage problem?"-----well---to each her own ,I guess.Why do you feel you deserve to give a prick like that ,the time of day?----And leave your kid with him?I suggest you take a reality check.---Feel better?Not my job.My job is to tell you to wake the fuck up and NEVER endanger the life of a child.You're the adult---remember?

 

I didn't leave her with him. I took her over there for a few hours tonight. We watched a movie and played with her. And he's fine.. I was worried for nothing. I can't control him, and I have no rights as far as what he does. That's why I need to get full custody. Which I'm working on. This was just a planned overnight, and I felt bad about saying no. But I was able to talk him out of it.

Also I appreciate your wisdom, but it isn't your job to tell me to 'wake the fuck up."

 

I wouldn't put too much stock in words that seem calculated to promote the perceived intelligence of their author more than to offer any new advice or fresh perspective.

 

thanks stinkfoot.

I saw him tonight, and I did end up talking to him last night. And I made him call his parent's while I was there. They do hate me. I talked to his mother, and she barely had two words for me except that it's "none of her business." Which is a completely different attitude than she used to have. So I was right as far as they go. They are taking his side, and giving me the cold shoulder.

But anyway, as far as I go.. I feel a lot better now. I said some things to him tonight that I needed to get off of my chest, and we're both going to be okay. I think we might need to not see eachother for awhile though. A good seperation period will be best. I think seeing him a few times a week isn't really allowing for us to get over anything. It's just kind of like putting it off. But I have to bring jade over there again tomorrow, and he's working on my transmission.

But I think I'll be able to cope better now.. And I'm just not going to know from now on what he's up to, and I'll be able to sew up that wound.

Thanks for being my friend. ps: my yahoo messenger works if you have that instead. jadesmom810

 

No problem

I do not have yahoo unfortunately.

Sounds like you're prolonging the pain by the frequent contact with him. Bummer his parents are going to be shits to you but that's their choice. There's no need for you to feel bad about that. If they wish to endorse their drug addicted son's side then that will be their business. You can dispatch them a tough love type of message if you're so inclined- though zero contact may prove better as they're going to believe only what they want to believe if they are like most people. Remember, as far as I know grandparents' rights are very limited if they exist at all. Keep that to yourself though as telling them may inspire a spirited legal fight you're not equipped to wage.

Peace.

 

Well,being an old guy,I sometimes go for the "knockout punch" regarding any situation to do with kids.Some times it takes a kick in the ass to wake people up,but you're right--it's not my place to do the kicking.Sorry.

 

Can't fault you for your heart being in the right place. I think Renee is handling things with the utmost tact- being considerate of keeping Jade's dad in a position to be a dad while being careful not to send unintended signals.

The unfortunate thing here is the paternal grandparents are turning out to be less than the supportive and unbiased people she had hoped they'd be. This just makes the whole ordeal more difficult but it's important that she not take personally their lack of character. People are not perfect- even those who we look up to.

 

ive said it before,the best thing to do is drop all contact unless it has to do with the baby.unfortunately you do somewhat have to talk to and see him to let him have the baby.but you could also have a friend that you trust or a family member drop jade off and pick her up if needed.untill you feel ready to see/talk to him on your own.bring a friend with you if needed.

as far as custody,visitation and support goes.like i said before you will have to go through the courts to get custody.but if you 2 can try to work out the visitation and support without courts it may be the better way to go.honestly courts harm the children more than they help.they ruin fathers lives with child support and in turn that causes the fathers to end up regretting haveing a child or hating the child and mother.if the parents can work something out and stick to it then everybody wins.you get the help you need,the father can give what he can afford and help as much as he can and the child has 2 parents that dont hate each other and are happy around her.hopefully that makes sense.

 

Well originally I did want to do shared custody or joint custody, or not get the court involved. But he's 43 years old. He's been an alcoholic and a drug abuser for his entire life, and he'll never change. So I'm afraid that one day when I a. get involved with someone else, or b. not let him see her one weekend or something, he'll get drunk and try to take jade away from me, and their won't be anything that I can do about it! So I think the best thing for jade would be for me to get full custody, which I know will be a breeze in court given his record. I'm just afraid he'll tell them I smoke, and then they'll drug test me. So I should not have gotten this bag of weed yesterday!!!!

Unfortunately I have to go over there in a few minutes for him to work on my transmission since he was supposed to do it along time ago, but I'm going to go shopping with my mom and sis while he's working on it. So hopefully I won't have to see him that much today. Plus every time we talk he's got such an attitude!! I guess I want my cake, and to eat it too. I have to understand that life doesn't work that way. lol But thanks for your support and kindness.

Oh yea I did offer him no child support in exchange for me having full custody, but he doesn't want that so I'm going to have to leave it up to the court I guess.

 

if you are choosing court,and your the one filing the papers its no biggie on quitting anytime soon..

however,depending on how vindictive hes going to be about all this from the time you serve him papers on i wouldnt smoke anything. once the courts get involved its there court not yours,not to mention if he chose he could call DFCS on you before you even go to court. be prepared for court bein beyond your worst nightmares if he chooses to play the game..

and dont be surprised if at some point in the process DFCS gets involved.. custody shit can get ugly..

think long and hard about it...

 

you do what you have to do.she lives with you so you will need to have legal custody of her.that needs to be done soon.as he can take her today and tell you to go screw and not give her back.then you end up in abunch of legal bullshit.right now he can call and say you kidnapped her.and you can do the same when he has her.there is no legal papers saying that either of you have legal custody.both of you can be arrested and locked up for it.so do that ASAP.leave the visitation and support part alone for a little while.wait till you both are able to communicate with clear heads and no bad feelings about the breakup.if it wont work then go to court if needed.when the courts mention support and visitation just tell them you have an agreement already and dont need thier help yet.im not saying he shouldnt help but i think its better handled between 2 adults instead of courts.i see people and children everyday that had thier lives fucked up cuz of the courts.and it doesnt need to be like that.


now i know people here are probably gonna hate me for this but here is whats going on with my ex and child.

we split up.SHE made an agreement with me that she wouldnt go for child support if i promised to help her out if/when needed if i didnt fight her for custody and i can see him anytime i want.i have no problem with that at all.im more than willing to help her with money and stuff for him.there is no need for the court to get involved at all.well of course she got a lawyer and went to court without me.i never recieved anything saying i had to go.i cant afford a lawyer.well she got custody and 300 a week for child support.no fucking way it costs that to raise a child considering we were doing it with less then 200 a week with the 2 of us and 2 children.i went back for a paternity test and to lower the support.well cuz im a guy it was denied.now i absolutely hate her.started to hate the child and ill tell you i wish i never had one.even considering going to get snipped so i cant have anymore kids.i dont want a girl with kids either.i havent seen my kid since last august.i cant have him around me.the hatred i hold for his mother will end up unleashing itself on him.i wouldnt be able to keep my mouth shut.ill tell him exactly what kind of person his mother is and how much i hate her.its not a safe physical and mental environment for him to be in.she has his head fucked up enough with out me makeing it worse.

 

either way she still has to deal with a custody battle.SHE needs to have legal custody.mainly because if there was a life or death situation thats she needs to make a decision on they wont do anything till both parents agree on it.

as far as the drugs go.i dont know either one of them but im willing to say that he may not bring it up in court.hes doing coke and shit.the courts will side with her if it is brought up.they wont like the idea of either one doing drugs but they definately dont like the idea of doing coke and drinking heavily around a child.

i seen my EX and seen pictures of her and she looks like she is into some heavy drugs or something.she looks like shit/almost dead looking.i dont say anything about it cuz here i am smokeing weed.i really dont care if i get caught.i just dont feel like dealing with the bullshit right now.

 

Unfortunately the court system all too often functions as a device for looting the dad's assets- or at least allows itself to be used that way. Of course this has been made politically correct by so many dads being deadbeats. Not all fit that description though.

On one hand it's commendable that you would be sensitive about taking your anger with the situation out on your son. On the other hand it's a damned shame that you're allowing your ex's vindictiveness deprive him of contact with his dad. For his sake, I hope you can work on your issues with his mother and find a way of giving him the benefit of contact with you without dragging anger issues into the mix. I'll be the first to admit that it's way easier to give this advice than to follow it. I can't guarantee that I'd be any better in your shoes. My own tendency to turn relationships into train wrecks has me thankful that no kid got into the mix... had a couple close calls though... all I'm qualified to do is offer support- well meaning albeit unqualified.

 

oh trust me i was at the point where i could take him and forget about his mothers shit.but then court papers showed up and that was shot to hell.sometimes its better to leave stuff like that alone than it is to run right to the first lawyer and judge you see,it only ends up ruining lives whether its yours,the other persons or the childs.