Open Relationships

i agree, also. DSLC you are a thinker as well as equipt with tangible expression, which most people lack one or the other. even though we disagree on this topic, your view points are very well put! congrats, an intellectual.

 

I have something truly beautiful with my husband. I would never want to have an open relationship nor have I ever desired it. I know if we did it would ruin all that we have. I am in-love with my husband. Deep, perfect, beautiful love.

 

I used to think that way or believe that and for some that works but I have learned through broken relations .. families .. that its not worth it to expect everthing to stay an orthodox way and keep everyone together ..in the way things have evolved or knowing other options ..I came to a conclusion of "why choose to risk losing by raising an unrealistic expectation "- we have people telling us what is normal and what is not and it instills alot of inhibitions .. doubts .. negative thought ..through the standard orthodox way that is mainstreamed ......instilled into people at a very young age to beleive this is how things should and this is what works..anything else is taboo and that is just not so .. I am glad that what you have works out .. that it si strong and workable for you both ... I am just to free and independant to be abel to hang with that

 

I used to think that way or believe that and for some that works but I have learned through broken relations .. families .. that its not worth it to expect everthing to stay an orthodox way and keep everyone together ..in the way things have evolved or knowing other options ..I came to a conclusion of "why choose to risk losing by raising an unrealistic expectation "- we have people telling us what is normal and what is not and it instills alot of inhibitions .. doubts .. negative thought ..through the standard orthodox way that is mainstreamed ......instilled into people at a very young age to beleive this is how things should and this is what works..anything else is taboo and that is just not so .. I am glad that what you have works out .. that it is strong and workable for you both ... I am just to free and independant to be able to hang with that for it to work for me

 

I think everyone should choose their own type of relationship, but I do agree with your quote reincarnatmenowK... "why choose to risk losing by raising an unrealistic expectation".

So many people today are conformed to the traditional method and believe that this is the natural way of humankind when science has proven otherwise.

I think it is built on the conform-think of the society to believe in a "soul mate", a "true love", "Adam's rib", etc...etc. Although, these fairy tale assumptions are nice and some people actually can live with a picket fence in Pleasantville, it's hardly "happily ever after". Because fairy tales fail to mention money problems, jealousy, losing a job, BOREDOM in convention, and the realistic problems everyone faces.

My parents have lived together for over 30 years. They seem to be happy and that's great, but they are always very conventional, traditional and religious. My father has turned down my really good jobs because "the Lord" told him to stay put (in his petty preacher position). My mother's business ventures have also done the same with her. My parents tried to shelter me, but it failed miserably. I love them so much, but they have to accept what I am.

I am an ultra-liberal (socially) and they are conservative. I am an atheist and they are charismatic Christians. They are wealthier, I have greater recognition in the community (due to my job).

My open relationship has lasted around a decade and is STRONG as ever. Because we don't bullshit our true natures and feelings. We are open, we communicate, we share and we have fun. With her being bi, she is more inclined to be with other women and in threesomes. To my knowledge (and I trust her immensely) she has never been with another guy. However, in an open relationship, that is an option.

 

yeah the sex I am sure is great .. but I love the plus package option if that should be an option .. becuase I love family with our without kids ..what I mean is the unity .. the whole doing everything together thing is just more appealing .. but if I am not in it then my options are OPEN .. lol ... ahhh to not be bound ....

 

It would be even better if I could get hold of you somehow.

 

Oh that piece of the puzzle ... hmmmm....lol

 

I'm honestly not too sure on this topic, I guess it pretty much depends on the person that you are with.

 

I have no idea what I want ....I am just going with the flow ..the lessor hassels the better .. but I know ...that I better enjoy a connection with some depth and not too much expectation built up ....and there is a way to do to that without building lies to make a solid connection from the get go ..a person may be very far and you may miss them but its not reason to let it go ...its just at a different level at that time ..everything can be ever changing ..question is are we willing to embrace all the changes

 

Nice of you to say so Adgreyga - even if I'm disappointed that you disagree. To be honest, I think that: if my views seem well put, to a considerable extent it's because reasonable/sensible views are very easy to argue for in the first place. Feel free to tell me what aspects of my views you disagree with though!

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Jealousy:

Jealousy, in the context of a polyamorous relationship, is caused by the fact that a person’s partner/lover (/whatever) has strong feelings for someone else. Even if those feelings did not manifest themselves, they would still exist, i.e. even if that person’s partner did not have an intimate relationship with someone else, they would still have a strong affection for them. That which is the cause of the jealousy, therefore, still exists. Even if a man never has an intimate relationship with a woman other than his wife, it is quite possible that his wife still has cause to be jealous (..if she's that kind of person that is), since he is potentially going to develop a deep affection for another woman at one stage or another in his married life. It is clear therefore, that when a person’s lover begins an intimate relationship with someone else, the cause of jealousy is not the relationship – which is simply a manifestation of the feelings in question – but the feelings themselves, which exist regardless of whether or not they manifest themselves in a relationship. (..incidentally, it is in such a manner that I interpret Matthew 5:28)
The cause of jealousy, in the context of polyamorous relationships, is therefore a problem which exists in the context of two-people relationship as well. The problem merely has different consequences in each context. In two-people relationships, it leads to painful break-ups, divorces, years of dissatisfaction, silent misery, deceitfulness, lying, infidelity etc.. In polyamorous/open relationships, where honest expression of one’s feelings is much easier to achieve, the problem would less likely have the opportunity to grow out of all proportion, as it does in the more widely-practiced relationship structure.
Personally, if I were seeing on a regular basis someone who had feelings for someone else, I would want them to act in accordance with those feelings. I feel that I'm being honest with myself when I say that I’d much prefer that this happened than for them to be unhappy in a two-person relationship with me.

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Other potent emotions:

I know how uniquely unpleasant it is to see someone you feel deeply for with another person. More than once I've come home early from a night out intoxicated by the potent emotions associated with such an experience (..and by the alcohol as well of course - they really don't go well together!).

I believe, however, that - to a very large extent - these emotions (..anger, bitterness, depression, apathy) were engendered, not by the fact that this girl was kissing someone else, but by the fact that, her engaging in a monogamous relationship with him ruled out the possibility of her being intimate with anyone else. My point being: the emotions brought about by these circumstances seem not to be entirely due to seeing a loved one with someone else - but more to the knowledge that (..due to the very nature of monogamous relationships) there is little or no chance of that person reciprocating your feelings until that relationship 'breaks apart' (which might never happen in some cases). The notion I'm getting at is: perhaps we are misinterpreting the source Of these emotions?

Would I have been in such emotional turmoil if her kissing another guy that night didn't automatically rule out the possibility of her spending (intimate) time with me the following day?* ..I suspect not!

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168 hours in a week:

There are 52 weeks in a year, and 168 hours in a week - approx. 110 of which will be spent awake. Even if you work a 40-hour week; spend 6-8 hours eating; another 6-8 hours in transit etc. - that leaves plenty of time to have close, intimate relationships with more than one person. If a few of those 110 hours are spent with a person you are very close to, or have known for a very long time, why should that prevent you spending even a fraction of the remainding hours - or minutes even - with someone else?

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Exclusivity occurs in open-relationships anyway!

Seeing three different people in one week - in one sense - is the same as having three different boyfriends/girlfriends over a period of six months anyway; it merely happens within a smaller time-frame, and doesn't involve these melodramatic, soap-opera-like phenomena known as 'break-ups'. Instead of bringing some poor girl to tears and sending her into a year-long depression because you have all-of-a-sudden realised you will be physically-connected-at-the-hips-for-the-next-six-months to some other young lady, you simply say: 'I've gotta head home now; I'll see you again on Thursday'. No sudden - and bizarre - vanishing of all the affection you had felt for them the week before; nothing drawn-out; nothing hysterical; and no potentially life-damaging scene need be enacted!

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Hygiene is the only thing I would be concerned about:

One of the few reasons - perhaps the only one - I can think of for arguing against open relationships is the associated risk of hygiene problems. For example, if one member of a triad has a cold, the number of people potentially at risk from infection is twice the number it would be in a monogamous relationship; and, depending on how physical the relationship, there is obviously also the risk of STIs as well. But perhaps this isn't an argument against open relationships themselves, as much as an argument against bad hygiene and carelessness in general! With a bit of good sense, and a careful attitude, I'm sure this potential problem could be avoided.

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For Christians who are against open relationships/polyamory on religious grounds:

Liberated Christians ...seems to be a site very much worth visiting. I by no means imply that I agree with everything on their site (..frankly I have read barely any of it), but - by the very fact that they see polyamorous relationships as viable to begin with - I think they are quite possibly worth reading.

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* ..to make a rather embarassing profession: maybe she didn't want to spend 'intimate' time with me anyway - I am merely using this scenario to bring my point across.

 

I believe ANY kind of relationship decided on by consenting adults is acceptable. Whether this be traditional man & woman, homosexual, polygamy, or even incest (as long as it is consenting adults). The only relationships I would disapprove of are pedophiliac. Because children under the age of 14 (for certain) can't make such a decision in a mature manner. I agree that the parent or guardian should have to give permission for anyone under 16.

People ought to be able to live their own lives, take the rewards and consequences of their own actions, and never have to submit to someone or some government's definition of a "proper" relationship.

 

I've thought of what surely must be some of the strongest arguments against polyamory:

• the number of Christmas presents you would have to buy ..and presents in general.
• the difficulty in making the decision: who do I bring to that wedding I'm invited to? Aaah - the dilemma!
• Good grief - what about Valentine's Day? ...I guess if you are only in one primary relationship, this isn't much of a problem - but what if very close to two (or more) people?

Still ...small prices for such freedom and fulfillment!

P.S. This post was intended to be facetious - not to be taken too seriously! Valentine's Day is nonsensical in my view, and personally I think Christmas is a farce (..Jesus wasn't even likely to be born around that time of the year from what I've read), but let's not get into that!

 

Libertine,
I totally see where you're coming from. However, your disclaimer at the bottom was speaking to me. I would be so jealous if my boyfriend wanted to see other people or do anything sexual with another person...

Anyway, I think the reason your relationships have went so well with that method, is probably because it shows confidence and security in yourself. Right on *thumbs up*

Too bad I'm not comfortable enough to try that out.

 

i like to believe in and open relationship, the relationship im in now isnt, but im alright with that...just want to be a few other people and cant....

 

I thinks its all good but I think a person can change their mind at any given moment according to what they feel is good for them at that time ...eh that sounds wishy washy but its the truth we are walking wishy washys ...so what ...mmm ..
I would try about any kind of relationship with David Blaine ..he hehe eheh

 

[size=+2]I came across this several years ago while finishing my degrees in psychology and sociology. I used to be pure 3d...now I'm almost pure 4d. Just thought I'd share

A Sociological Comparison of
How Relationships can work.
[/size]Each column is considered a "package deal", in that each relationship usually functions
in terms of most of the characteristics of the 3rd dimensional version or the 4th dimensional version,
rather than a combination of both versions. [size=+3]3-D
[/size][size=+1]3rd-Dimensional Relationships
[/size][size=+1]The way relationships normally work
with us here in our 3rd dimension.[/size] [size=+3]4-D
[/size][size=+1]4th-Dimensional Relationships
[/size][size=+1]The way relationships normally work
on the 4th dimension.[/size] SEPARATION
Separation is only an illusion.
Separation from the God Source.
Separation from each other.
And separation from aspects of our self. INTEGRATION + REINTEGRATION
Everything and everyone are really all connected. SECRECY
Witholding information from my partner & from myself.
With secrecy, my partner never gets to know who I truly am. Keeps me separated from the greater portion of myself. HONESTY + OPENNESS
Total honesty with my partner.
With honesty, my partner gets to know who I truly am. Honesty means being 100% who I truly am.
I do not withold a comment or information just to avoid hurting my partner, or to control the relationship.
I can never really know or predict what will hurt another or how they will react to my honesty.
Therefore, I should stop assuming responsibility for the other person's emotions, growth, & reactions to my honest non-manipulative communications. FEAR-BASED MONOGAMY
Through my monogamous relationship, I am "separated" from the vulnerability of having to deal with any other relationships.
Therefore, I feel "safe" (separate and safe). RELATIONSHIPS BY CHOICE
Monogamy-by-choice or
Polygamy-by-choice or
Poly-Fidelity-by-choice.
There is no inherent "right" or "wrong" to any type of relationship: They are all inherently neutral. Any type of relationship is "okay". If I choose monogamy, this does not mean that I expect or need my partner to also choose monogamy. CONDITIONAL LOVE
I will love you, only so long as you fulfill my needs and expectations. I will withdraw my love, if you do not satisfy me. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Even if you don't fulfill my needs and expectations,
I will still love you. I love you for who you are without trying to change you. COMMITTMENT
I need committment, in order to avoid my fear of having to deal with other relationships. Committment is a 3rd-dimensional illusion. Committment never insures my security. Committment only makes me think or feel that I am secure. BEING IN THE PRESENT
Committment would take me out of the present. I stay in the present, and I do not need a committment, because I trust that the future will take care of itself. EXPECTATION
I want, expect, and try to get my partner to fulfill my expectations and needs. I use my partner to satisfy my needs. NO EXPECTATIONS
I trust and have no expectations from my partner.
I enjoy my partner, but without expectations. MANIPULATION
I use obvious or hidden manipulation so that my needs will be met, and so that I can remain protected from my own fears. I only see my partner as who I need them to be, not who they really are. ALLOWINGNESS
I allow my partner to be who they need to be. Only then can I see who they truly are. THE NEED TO CONTROL
I do not trust that everything that occurs is for my highest good. Therefore, I need to control and shape the relationship, so that it will take the form I wish it to be. I feel like I "own" my partner. ABSOLUTE TRUST
I trust that everything that occurs is for my highest good. Therefore, I have no desire or need to control my partner.

RELATIONSHIP takes Precedence
to PERSONAL GROWTH

PERSONAL GROWTH takes Precedence
to RELATIONSHIP.

DEPENDENCY
I depend on and need someone
outside of myself in order to be happy. SELF-SUFFICIENCY
I recognize that I, and only I, am the creator of my own reality. Therefore, only I, am the generator of my own Happiness. A PERSON CAN NOT FULLY LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
3-D emphasizes Duality.
If my partner begins to also love another person, that means he/she will have
less love for me.
(This is an illusion.) A PERSON CAN FULLY LOVE
MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
4-D emphasizes Multiplicity.
No matter how many other people my partner loves, this does not diminish at all, in any way, how much love he/she has for me. No matter how many other people I love, this does not diminish at all, in any way, how much love I have for my partner. My partner spending
LESS TIME with me
is not good. My partner spending
LESS TIME with me
is fine.
If I truly love myself unconditionally, then the time spent with myself is equal in value to the time spent with my partner.
I love myself as much as I love my partner.
Therefore, the time I spend alone is just as enjoyable as the time spent with my partner. Therefore, it's okay if I spend less time with my partner. PAIN
There is always pain when I function from
the 3-D relationships "mind-set". HAPPINESS, PLEASURE, & ECSTACY
There is never any pain, only happiness, pleasure, and ecstacy, when I function from
the 4-D relationships "mind-set". ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
creates PAIN & LOSS. ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
does not create PAIN & LOSS.
In realizing that this relationship is no longer serving us, we choose to harmoniously end it. We recognize that the relationship is going in different directions, and so we allow it to end, without any hard feelings. Only with love. FEAR or PAIN of LONELINESS

Loneliness, like separation, is a 3-D illusion. FEELING CONNECTED
to SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.
Even if my partner is far away (in space),
or even if
I haven't seen my partner for a long time (in time),
I still feel very connected to them. Whereas separation is an illusion, being actually connected-together is the reality. ANGER AT ANOTHER
(Externalized anger)
I am angry at my partner for not meeting my needs! ANGER AT MYSELF
(Internalized anger)
I am angry at myself for creating a reality that I do not prefer. VICTIMHOOD
"Hurters" & "Victims"
I sometimes hurt others.
I am sometimes hurt by the comments or actions of others.
"Hurters" & "Victims" is an illusion.
There is no victimhood, since each one creates their own reality. I CREATE MY OWN REALITY.
Self-Responsibility
Self-Empowerment
I create my own reality, and this even includes other people's reactions to my actions. I can never be hurt by another person. I can never hurt another person. Only I am responsible for my reactions to other people's comments or actions. FEELING RESPONSIBLE for
the NEEDS of my PARTNER
My partner is seeking to have their needs met externally by me, but a person's needs
can never really be met by anyone else,
so they are bound to eventually get angry
at me, for not fulfilling their needs. BEING RESPONSIBLE for
what I would like to GIVE to
My PARTNER & our RELATIONSHIP
I am pure in my intention in my relationship.
I am 100% who I truly am with my partner.
I am responsible for what, in my integrity,
I would like to give to our relationship.

 

Shit...when I pasted it, it didn't copy the chart. It's a little harder to read this way, but I think you can get the jist.

 

Wow!
Yes, I could get the jist. I think you've made some excellent points - well written! There's a lot there to digest; I might respond to some specific points you've raised later.

P.S. If the chart can't work, maybe you could use line-breaks and/or dashes to seperate your points? ...just a thought!

 

I'm reposting these separately so it'll make more sense
Here is the way a 3 d relationship typically works.

3rd-Dimensional Relationships
The way relationships normally work
with us here in our 3rd dimension

SEPARATION
Separation is only an illusion.
Separation from the God Source.
Separation from each other.
And separation from aspects of our self

SECRECY
Witholding information from my partner & from myself.
With secrecy, my partner never gets to know who I truly am. Keeps me separated from the greater portion of myself.

FEAR-BASED MONOGAMY
Through my monogamous relationship, I am "separated" from the vulnerability of having to deal with any other relationships.
Therefore, I feel "safe" (separate and safe).


CONDITIONAL LOVE
I will love you, only so long as you fulfill my needs and expectations. I will withdraw my love, if you do not satisfy me.


COMMITTMENT
I need committment, in order to avoid my fear of having to deal with other relationships. Committment is a 3rd-dimensional illusion. Committment never insures my security. Committment only makes me think or feel that I am secure.


EXPECTATION
I want, expect, and try to get my partner to fulfill my expectations and needs. I use my partner to satisfy my needs.

MANIPULATION
I use obvious or hidden manipulation so that my needs will be met, and so that I can remain protected from my own fears. I only see my partner as who I need them to be, not who they really are.


THE NEED TO CONTROL
I do not trust that everything that occurs is for my highest good. Therefore, I need to control and shape the relationship, so that it will take the form I wish it to be. I feel like I "own" my partner.


RELATIONSHIP
takes Precedence to PERSONAL GROWTH


DEPENDENCY
I depend on and need someone outside of myself in order to be happy.


A PERSON CAN NOT FULLY LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
3-D emphasizes Duality. If my partner begins to also love another person, that means he/she will have less love for me.(This is an illusion.)

My partner spending LESS TIME with me is not good.


PAIN
There is always pain when I function from the 3-D relationships "mind-set".


ENDING A RELATIONSHIP CREATES PAIN & LOSS.


FEAR or PAIN of LONELINESS
Loneliness, like separation, is a 3-D illusion.


ANGER AT ANOTHER
(Externalized anger) I am angry at my partner for not meeting my needs!


VICTIMHOOD
"Hurters" & "Victims"
I sometimes hurt others.
I am sometimes hurt by the comments or actions of others.
"Hurters" & "Victims" is an illusion.
There is no victimhood, since each one creates their own reality.


FEELING RESPONSIBLE for
the NEEDS of my PARTNER

My partner is seeking to have their needs met externally by me, but a person's needs can never really be met by anyone else, so they are bound to eventually get angry at me, for not fulfilling their needs.