Real reasons behind the "Fatherhood Crises"...

"no u" :/ lamer

 

lol. oh, c'mon! mine was funny, admit it! do it...DO IT!

 

you sir, are a bore.

 

Indeed!

My parents split up when I was 6. Within a couple of years I had 4 parents, all contradicting each other, raising me. Mom would tell me what a loser Dad was, My stepmother would tell me my mother was a doped out hippy, My step father was indifferent and my father was always out of town on business. When I became a teenager my stepfather died and Mom didn't immediately remarry. I had begun plotting my evil step mother's death when it was decided I'd finish high school with my mother.

Mom did everything she could to keep me out of trouble, but she was still apt to pass out cold every so often which made sneaking out very easy. Naturally when you sneak out you're with all the other kids who did the same. So I got into theft, alcohol, drugs, sex and a few arrests. It's no wonder my family chose to tell me I had to fend for myself and that they would give no money for college nor would they cosign my student loans. So I was fuked. Betrayed is how I felt. I still do to some degree. Their justification was that I'd appreciate it more if I made my own way and that they didn't really have the money. A lie I'm told in the marble floored living room within sight of the billaird room.

But maybe I deserved some of it, or maybe my ultra-selfish family just wanted to shed me. To be sure I was an attention-seeking shit when I was a teenager, but I was also the oldest of 6 kids too. I finally took my only choice and joined the Navy so I could at least learn a skill. Nam was long over, so I wasn't worried about a war. I carried my drug problems and lack of maturity into the Navy with me and got out after only one 4-year hitch. During that time I had a marriage that lasted 6 months before she became the Home of the 3rd Fleet. I avoided marriage for a whole decade though I came close a few times. My career went all over the map till the early 90s when I met the nicest girl in a toy store.

We got married and have been together 17 years now. I stopped using hard drugs when I found out I had a son on the way in 1995. I didn't want to be one of those strung-out dads. To be honest I have approached marriage and family in almost the exact opposite of the model I grew up with. My family tree looks like a fucking shoe. But my wife and I are dedicated. Dedicated to our children and family, but specifically devoted to our marriage. A marriage has to become a living entity and that both maintain with 100% dedication. It's NOT 50-50. A marriage is no place for hidden personal agendas. This is not to say that a marriage ends your life and career.

In fact, I have also taken the opposite tack with that. I place my wife's career in higher esteem since she will likely outlive me and be working longer into the future. Putting her through college twice ensures the family will succeed even if I'm not in the picture. She and I don't talk about divorce. Experiencing it as I did growing up I am now convinced that people with children who divorce do it for largely selfish reasons. It's so rarely over genuine concern for the children. More often the children are caught in the middle and used as tools to convey hostile propaganda between the parents. My wife and I wouldn't dream of putting our children through this kind of prolonged nightmare. She personally has no concept of it since her parents are still together and will likley die together.

Anyone who doubts the value of a father in parenting is overlooking some very obvious issues. Sure, if you want to reduce it to pure survival, a child needs only a durable mother. But if you want that child to do more than just survive, a father gives a substantial edge in terms of experience and cultural exposure. Also, raising the children by the example of a happy and successful marriage lays a conceptual foundation that will drive the offspring to future success. Most career and operational models are just reflections of family heirarchy. We are not in a utopia, so all of us have to look at the real world when we choose to consider a family.

Of course it's my opinion, but I think a primary cause of divorce is not the ease of getting one, but that people get married for oddball reasons. If you don't both plan to dedicate yourselves to the marriage, it's not likely to work. This is true of ANY venture. Love is fine and I wouldn't want a marriage without it. But love is not the sole reason to get married is it?


CF

Oh, and if you don't take care of your kids because you're mad at your ex, you suck!

 

amen, cf.

thankfully dave's ex wife is a gem. couldn't ask for a better person to be the exwife. never has a single negative word passed through either of their lips about the other parent. she and i good friends, and tyler is a happy, well adjusted and well loved boy.

 

Must be a conspiracy. I'm not a father. But I am a fatherless child, and it has a lot to do with my depressive tendency.

 

And that's my point. Parents rarely think enough about their children when they are splitting up, virtually destroying the family unit. It has an effect on a kid for their entire life.

And 9 times out of 10 the parent's argument is "Well gee, don't I have a right to happiness?". My answer is NO, not unless you see to it that your children are happy FIRST. Otherwise you're putting yourself ahead of their needs, a purely selfish act.

When you have children you are part of a sacred trust. If you break that trust, nobody's life will be the same again and YOU may end up dying alone!

CF

PS: I KNOW that sometimes the marriage has to split because one of the parents becomes a violent asshole and a threat. But that's not what I'm addressing at all. Violent assholes belong in jail, not raising children!

 

nicely said. we have loads of children from broken homes due to the "me generation" completely losing perspective. if i hear about one more couple splitting because they're "just not in love anymore" i'm likely to burst their eardrums with my screaming.