Self-harming

well, here's something i could rant about, but i'll try to keep it as short as possible. ok....
i have hurt myself for almost as long as i can remember. i know it was sixth or seventh grade when i started cutting (i'm now a sophomore in college, what's that.....8 years of my life...). before that it was little things (banging my head or whatever against a wall, twisting my wrists or ankles, etc.) honestly, i've never been able to stop. i had good times when i didn't...i think the most i've gone without cutting was 3 months, which is a hell of a long time. i've done counseling, medications, even group therapy. it all just didn't work. i think that self harm for me was a method of control. and in those times that i felt like i was dead, blood proved to me that i'm still as alive as everyone else. and it's strange, too, because it becomes an addiction, both mentally and physically. telling a self harmer to just stop cutting is like telling a junky to just stop shooting up. it doesn't work. one of my strongest nights was the night i decided, i feel like shit...but i'm not going to hurt myself tonight. i didn't do it, but i was up all night writhing in my bed with this horrible nauseous feeling, fucking vomiting into a trash can. that's how bad it feels not to do it.
i don't hurt myself as much as i used to. in the past 2 months, i think i've cut maybe 3 times, which is certainly 3 times more than i ever should have, but it happened. it does hurt the people around me. i'm incredibly sad to think of what i've put my parents through. my mom was the one who found me half naked and dripping with blood on the floor of my room. she had to pick me up and clean me up because i couldn't even take care of myself anymore. and, now, 3 years after that incident i still have bold scars from the base of my neck down to my hips. scars that some people are curious about, that some people, like Michael, call cute, that some people find disgusting, that some people see as a symbol of strength. there are so many ways that people interpet scars and i'm not even sure how i should interpret them myself. but i see them every day, and i think about it every day. self harm is not something that ever stops. once you've been there, that state of mind will always be a part of you, even if the physical reminders (bruises or cuts or scars) might fade. i would like to have it no longer be a part of me....but it's with me every day.

 

ok, realized that my last post was very gloomy and i didn't want to leave it on that kind of note. i don't cut nearly as much as i used to, so i can be happy about that. and i'm sure each of our situations are completely unique. some of you may be able to stop and never do it again. and i will be incredibly happy for you if you can do that. so, anyway....much love and good vibes to those of you struggling with this and to those of you who are watching people you care about go through it.
also, somebody mentioned the book A Bright Red Scream. my therapist told me to read that years ago, but i couldn't get through it. for some reason, as i tried to read it, i found that the desire to hurt myself became so unbearingly intensified. i told my therapist about it and she said that was a reaction that a lot of people have when reading about or researching this problem of self harm. any of you have that problem? i mean, i'd like to learn more, but not when it makes me feel like hurting myself just by reading about it.

and now for something totally unrelated, Dawn Sky, that quote in your sig.....i love it! it sounds so familiar, who's it from?

 

You're so right, sadly...it probably won't ever go away. I consider myself fully recovered now, but sometimes the urge still pops up. It's so weird, I was just thinking about this yesterday, while my fiance was in bed and I was just up and about, doing random things.... I just recently finished putting my portfolio together, and had to turn it in just the other day. But I bought all these new special matt cutters and such to make it nice and professional. While I was up and about I noticed all the razorblades for all those cutters lying in a pile on my desk, and started thinking about how much those little things once meant to me. I was so proud though, because at this point in my life I can finally keep those things around without having to hide them from myself. But the urge is definitely still there...I am just better at controlling that urge and doing something healthy instead, even just crying...it used to be really hard to cry. If my fiance ever wanders in here to read this he might be shocked at all that. But yep, there it is. I honestly think I'll never do it again, but yeah...it's definitely still lingering in the back of my mind...hm..old reliable sort of. But I just let it stay right there in it's little coma...hopefully for the rest of my life...that's what I'm aiming for anyway .

 

Oh yeah, I'm SURE you'd love it if you got laughed at and called 'funny' everytime you were 'confused about your feelings' or were having trouble in life. Let's see what YOU feel like when YOU have a problem and people LAUGH at YOU and call it petty. That'll be the fucking day.

I guess you ahven't gotten the hint man, lay off this fucking thread. We dont need your sexist and immature opinions when someone is asking for help and VALID opinions.

Ok, sorry about that, but anyway, hun, like everyone else has offered, you can always PM me. I have a friend right now who just got out of a mental hospital, who constantly cuts herself... and it really pains me to my bones. She's relaly having troubles in life... She weighs 72 pounds, she has the name of every guy she's ever had feelings carved in her hips, an I just find it so painful when anyone cuts themself, no matter how severe, for wahtever reason. But it's something I've seen so many people go through... I'm sure you'll pull through it alright Stay strong sister, and take care of yourself...

 

yeah, CoOkiezGurl, that's gotta be an awesome feeling...to just look at one of those blades and go "i don't need it". very good for you! i'm doing a lot better than in my past years. i mean, hell, i can trust myself to shave my legs now! LOL
it's funny....i haven't talked to anybody about any of this in soooo long.....and i've developed such new thoughts about it. i feel like i should talk about it. but then there's definitely bad stereotyping that goes along with cutting, like other people have mentioned. i believe that there are more people out there hurting themselves than will admit it. for some reason, even though there are so many people like us, society wants to keep it hidden. such a strange thing.

 

I've started (minor) cutting about 2 or 3 months ago.
Although I've done things like digging my nails in my palms for quite a long time without even noticing I did it.
Can't write more now - hugs to everyone who needs them!!

 

The board tells me I've given out too much rep for the next 24 hours... but I'm sending out a big thank-you to everyone. It's so nice to know you're not alone.

Michael - I'm asking you, respectfully, to please stop posting in this thread. Your hate and your condescending attitude are causing more pain, and not promoting any help whatsoever.

To everyone who PM'd me or replied in this thread - I feel overwhelmed right now that so many people are in a similar situation as me. I know this is repeating what I said in an earlier post, so I hope I'm not in trouble... I just can't be thankful enough. I guess I didn't realize how not-alone I actually am.

Love, everyone... thanks