Should I stay or should I go? (longish)

It's very stressful knowing your family relies on you so heavily...and as for where I want to go, I want to go to school (not online classes where I don't get the benefit of getting out of the house and interacting with people) and work to make my own money and my own freedom. I do love my family and I'm quite attached to them, which is why the decision is so hard. I want to have my own independent life but I don't want to let my mother down. Taking care of my nephew is a handful and she wasn't really...prepared for it but she wouldn't put him in foster care. She would rather do the work herself rather than give him up or force his mother to take care of him when she doesn't have the ability or desire to do so. A lot of pressure is put upon me to help and she feels she will be lost whenever I leave the nest. I promised I'd give her plenty of notice and would come back as often as possible to help and visit, and yet she still is very against my leaving (on my own or with the aid of my boyfriend's grandmother). I just don't want to eventually resent it.

As for him, we are working on things. Since we do want to move in together, I would consider it very serious and so would he. We've discussed even getting engaged once we are on our own feet. I do want things to work but I start to wonder if it's meant to be when things get so difficult and many plans go awry at once.

 

Well, as the song goes, "what's meant to be will always find the way..." If he's the one, then he's the one. If not, then he isn't. But I think this is something you'll find out only when you come out of the other end of the tunnel. I've heard some christian guy say a while ago that, the stronger you are, the higher obstacles god places before you. Now, I'm not a christian but I kind of thought that was a good way to perceive stressful events in life.

Family situations have a way of getting in the way of your independent life. I've been dealing with some family situations of my own, so I can relate at least to a degree. Sometimes it seems as if nothing is good enough to them even when your suggestions are based on thorough thinking and careful planning. I suppose you just have to stay focused and keep moving forward, however small each step may be.

 

Thanks, Alternative. I like that way of thinking. I've been trying to see things in a more positive way. Like the more difficult things are now, the more we will appreciate the good times once life eases up on us.

As for an update: Finally things got too unbearable over there so he left yesterday.
Again his grandmother offered for me to come whenever I want, and that a part of the house could be sectioned off (with I guess an accordion door) to make it feel like our own. And even referred to herself as my own grandmother. It makes me feel very welcomed but I'm still unsure.

So the boyfriend and I are working it out, going to webcam chat and set specific times for phone calls once our schedules are set so neither of us is left waiting for the other (we are both a little needy lol), and visiting as often as possible. I told him once daycare is taken care of with my nephew I might come stay there for a week or so at a time and see how things go and make a decision then. I love him a lot, and he does as well so it isn't worth ending it in the least.

 

In my humble opinion, parents are responsible for the actions of their children to some degree.

Siblings are not.

 

I just read through this thread before realizing that all this happened over a month ago, maybe it is resolved now. I still thought I would offer my two cents:

As far as you and your boyfriend, if you guys really love each other then time and distance will both be patient enough to wait for you guys to get jobs and save up to get your own place. Provided you work things out with your own family, I think maybe the best thing you could do would be to move in with his grandmother, get a job, save some money, and enroll in that school you said was near his grandmother's. Getting an education is always the best thing anyone can do for themselves.

In regards to your family and your nephew, that is not your responsibility, period. You should not have to put your life on hold. I understand where you are coming from because I have a nephew and if anything happened to his parents I would do everything I can to support him, but the fact of the matter is you are unemployed and have no college degree, therefore there is no way you can really help him except in the sense of putting your life on hold to babysit him.

If your sister can't take responsibility for him, your mom needs to. She really can't expect you to put your life on hold indefinitely just so you're available to take care of him. Plus, once you have a degree and a good job you'll really be able to help your nephew out, much more than you can right now.

 

Thank you for the input. It's most definitely not resolved yet. The distance actually makes us fonder..but it's still hard. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I have to get out if I want to be able to get on my own two feet on my own time and not someone else's. I like what you said about being able to help my nephew more after I can support myself, that's true. And would be a good point for me to bring up when my mother tries to convince me not to leave. She seems okay with it sometimes but I know her, and the minute I give her notice that I'm going she will use any excuse and any insult to make it seem like a bad idea. But I've already thought it through and talked to my boyfriend about it and told him It'd be ideal if he got a job before I showed up because his grandmother will be basically supporting two unemployed people if I moved in now. So I'm going there, it's just a matter of when the time is right.

 

Find a job, go to college and sort out your life.
From what you've written, I get that your mother had managed to take care of you and your sister, so I can't see why she wouldn't be able to do the same for her grandson. If you get your own job, she won't have to support you financially. Wouldn't that help the situation?
Your nephew is not your responsibility. Your top responsibility and priority should be your own life.

I wish you all best .

 

Thanks.

 

hmm its a tough one, but u should go with ur heart, think of whats best for "you"

 

Leave.. Sometimes, you really have to do what is best for you. While it is noble for you to take care of your sisters kid, for free, it is also putting your very young life on hold. Not fare to you, your boyfriend, you mom, or your nephew. They will survive. You have to look at the next 70 years for yourself. College and your life are extremely important and you should not over look that.

 

Thank you, irie. It just makes think its wrong to leave the way my mom tells me that it's stupid to move in with my boyfriends grandmother...she keeps trying to talk me out of it.