Smoking

Thanks a lot for sticking up for me Danger, this has actually taken a turn to the helpful side

 

Grow up, no one is attacking you. This is the internet.

You can't fix her if she does not want your help. I understand that you think you are doing this for her own good, but you are not going to make her do anything. And the way he phrased the question doesn't offend me at all. He is a KID and he is putting his entire life into this person, I think that is extremely sad. Even as an adult one shouldn't let their life revolve around someone else.

I think my advice is helpful, I said to get a hobby. If he really enjoys helping people which is noble, then he should go volunteer at a teen help line or something and let his girlfriend figure out if she wants to be a smoker or not. It isn't easy to quits smoking and one isn't going to do it just because their boyfriend doesn't like it. If you want to help her then give her some positive reinforcement, such as saying how much you like kissing her when she hasn't had a cigarette, or encouraging her if she has one less smoke today than yesterday, not giving her ultimatums and crap.

As far as cutting, again, I don't really think that you are the one that should be dealing with this situation. If school people can't help and the parents aren't willing, and assuming she wants help, then there are places that she can go, clinics and youth help centers where she can talk to someone. I still think the best way for you to help her is to give her a little breathing room.

 

I have hobbys I just put them aside because they can be done anytime. I felt attacked being called immature, which rereading my first post I can agree with that but I learned as I posted and it seems like nobody read the fact that she wants help... so I didn't expect those kinda responces they didn't anger me just got frustrated with it.

 

people always get defensive and angry when faced with painful truths about themselves. Let it go. You need to deal with your control issues before engaging in any meaningful relationship. If she asks for your help, that's one thing, but nothing you have said points to that. Threatening her isn't going to help, no matter what your intentions are.

No, the only person you can help is yourself. You have to take care of you first. The only person who can help your girlfriend is herself. That's how it works in the real world. Nobody is going to come riding in on a shining horse to save the fair maiden, she has to want to save herself. I'm certain that if she really wanted to find help, it's available. If there isn't a "teen" center nearby, there most certainly is a women's and children's services that would help (yes, she is a child, no matter how grown up you think you are at that age). If not that, there's hundreds of 800 phone hotlines like boystown.

 

Unfortunately you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. It's hard when someone you care about is going through a difficult sitation and you try to help, but nothing seems to be working.

So, you want to know if you should threaten to leave her....well there are times that "tough love" is the only way to go. However, in most cases threatening to leave someone is considered manipulative and reminds me of a child throwing a tantrum because they can't have what they want ("I won't be your friend if I can't play with your toy.) Empty threats are a waste of time, so try not to make them.

Your girlfriend needs counseling and her school counselor should NOT go straight to the parents. If you PM me where you live (city only) I would be happy to try and find a counselor in your area. Typically cutting, and destructive behavior is for attention, but also has other causes (low self esteem, self loathing, etc) and should be taken seriously. Your girlfriend needs help beyond what you can give her.

Speaking of you....you need counseling to understand why you have control issues. I realize that all you want to do is help, but by telling her what she can and can't do you are controlling her.....no matter how nobel your intentions are. The other reason you need to see a counselor is so that you can learn how to deal with your girlfriend and the issues she faces. Dealing with people that have emotional issues can be exhausting, so any help a counselor can offer will make your life easier.

Best of luck!

 

Things that shes told me about her past tell me it's real serious but she wants a counseling but just doesn't feel motivated enough to reach out to someone. It's not a HUGE problem for now but long term she'll need it. It's not like I can just pay for it or drag her to someone.

I don't feel like I have control issues. I'm trying to be an open minded person here so I'm not just gonna say no I don't and get forget about it. You've kinda started an inner debate with myself. I'm gonna ask her and some other people who know me and see what they think. At my school last year I met with a counselor somewhat regularly and he's there if I ask for help so if I might bring that up with him when I start school.


I don't tell her she can't smoke or drink or smoke pot. She doesn't want to do them she is over the other 2 and knows I'm not gonna be mad every time she smokes I wish she could quit over night but don't expect her to.



We talked about ways she could ease her way out of it and right now I think the most helpful thing I could get from other people is tips. She doesn't need the patch or the gum she's on a cigarette a day basis. Her biggest obstacle might be that she usually smokes at her computer and spends a lot of time on it.

I just wanna thank you guys again I know your probably tired of me but I keep getting replies and it makes me feel better about the whole thing and motivates me to be there for her (when she asks).

 

well if she is your life..youneed to make up with her and work things out.. and not never ever use threats to make someone act better or different.. cause in the end it will not work.. she needs you right now. you need to be there for her..