Stupid Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Humor' started by FlyingBurritoBro, Jun 23, 2005.

  1. Samhain

    Samhain Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    hmmmm I bet thats happened tons of times
    S
     
  2. MrRee

    MrRee Senior Member

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    One afternoon, this old lady walked into an adult shop, all trembling and shaky, looking for something. Finally, she walked up to the store attendant, who looks at her curiously.

    "Yyyoungggg mannnnn, dooo you seelllll viibrattoors heeeeere???" asked the woman.

    Yes, ma'am. We do sell vibrators," answered the man, with a big grin on his face. "Do you want to buy one?"

    "Heh-heh-hhellllll nnnnnnooo, younggg mmmmmaaaan. I jussssssst waaannnttt ttttooo knnoww hhhhooooww yyooouu tuuuuurn itttt offfff!!!!" replied the old woman.
     
  3. bedlam

    bedlam Senior Member

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    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
    section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over
    and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
    budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
    The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for
    the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
    to of the Connor Pass.
    At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and
    says,
    "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag,
    puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
    Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
    himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy
    shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n
    dangerous for me!"
     
  4. luvhuffer

    luvhuffer Member

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    At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
    They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
    She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
    George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."
     
  5. luvhuffer

    luvhuffer Member

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    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
     
  6. luvhuffer

    luvhuffer Member

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    A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

    "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

    Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50.00 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

    A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

    Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.00.

    Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The guy pays up his $50.00.

    Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He puts them down and the octopus fumbles with them for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

    "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canny plae it, can ye?"

    The octopus looks up at him and says..."Play it??? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off".

    Sorry. I just had this U.K. thing going on today.<g>
     
  7. FlyingBurritoBro

    FlyingBurritoBro Sing Me Back Home

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    Two kids, 4 and 6, decided it was about time they learned to cuss. The 6 year old said "I'll say... damn. And you say... Ass!" So they both walk into the kitchen where thier mother asks what they want for breakfast. The 6 yr old winks at his brother and says "Well, gimme some of them DAMN Cheerios!" His mother grabbed him up, circle danced him around a few times, and sent him crying out of the kitchen. She turned to the 4 yr old and asked "What do YOU want for breakfast?!" He thought a second, and said "I dunno, but you can bet your ASS it isn't Cheerios!"
     
  8. seaofgreen

    seaofgreen Member

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    when the driver saw blue flashing lights in his rear veiw mirror, he knew that the florida highway patrol were after him. He immeadiatly hit the gas and got up to speeds in excess of 100 miles per hour. The chase went on for many miles before the driver finally decided that he could not outrun the tropper and he then pulled over to the side of the road. The highway patrol man walked up to the drivers side window and told the driver that he was speeding, but since he was about to end his shift, if the driver could come up with a excuse for the speeding that the officer had not heard before, he would let the driver go without a ticket. The driver looked at the highway patrol man and said " My wife ran off with a highway patrol man last week and I thought you were trying to bring her back" The highway patrol man said " have a good night sir and then drove away.
     
  9. TheLizardQueen

    TheLizardQueen horny for knowledge

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    did you hear about the gay midget who came out of the cupboard?
     
  10. Dariah

    Dariah Member

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    LizardQueen i absolutely love your signature. Brought a tear to my eye.



    SO here's my contribution to this thread.

    Q. Why did the koala fall off the tree?
    A. Cuz it was dead.

    Q. Why did the tree fall down?
    A. Cuz the koala forgot to let go.
     
  11. MrRee

    MrRee Senior Member

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    What did the cannibals have for dessert? ~ Eyes cream.

    Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? ~ He got twelve months.
     
  12. chocolatechipcookie

    chocolatechipcookie Member

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    I got one.

    There was this guy who drove down a road when he seen a hitch-hiker girl. He stopped and after negotiation he offered her a ride if she sucks his dick. So she agreed, and while they were driving she sucked his dick, and he held her ears so he wouldn't yell. But however they crushed into a tree. When the guy came to, the girl was nowhere around, and he realized he was still holding her ears. So he started to walk towards the nearby village, and when he found some people, he asked if they saw a girl with no ears. They replied they didn't, but they saw a girl that was talking with a dick waving from her mouth
     
  13. MrRee

    MrRee Senior Member

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    Wife ~ will you love me when I'm old and ugly?
    Husband ~ of course I do!

    I bet I can make you talk like a red indian.
    How?
    Like that!
     
  14. luvhuffer

    luvhuffer Member

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    YOUR WORLD...AS COWS

    BUSINESS COWS
    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
    REAL CAPITALISM You would like two cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
    ENRON OR WORLDCOM VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull!
    MICROSOFT You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours. Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world.
    INTERNETISM You have twocows.com. You get sued for $100,000 by a company sporting a similar name claiming economic damage. You loose everything.
    ADVERTISING AGENCY You have two cows. You over charge people for your dairy products to finance an advertising campaign that grossly overstates the importance of milk.
    LAWYERISM You see two cows and note that their milk has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of court for £1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five quid each. You get the rest. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk and shoots his cows. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op, the distributor and the retailer all go out of business.
    INDUSTRIALISM You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
    E-BAYISM You have "TWO COWS MINT RARE L@@K!!!!!!!". Two people get into a bidding war to see who gets to overpay for the cows. The winner takes 3 months to send you money, then gives you negative feedback when their milk doesn't pop out in half-gallon containers.

    NATIONAL COWS
    CHINA You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported
    the numbers
    JAMAICA You have two cows Whoa! catch that sucker before he jumps the moon. no...wait.... he's just rollerskating wait a minute are cows supposed to be purple and look like Bob Marley? Oh forget it. Pass the pipe.
    JAPAN You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide
    GERMANY You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
    BRITIAN You have two cows. Both are mad!
    USA You have two cows. One is stupid, the other disagrees with its ideals. It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for the rest of its life with no trial. The other is elected president.
    SWEDEN You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.
    NEW ZEALAND You have two cows, the one on the left is kinda cute! Wait a minute, it bleeted! It's really a sheep!
    TEXAS You have two cows. You make beef. The beef is tasty.
    SPAIN You have two cows, you stick horns on them, and get men to prance around an arena in clown outfits and throw spears at them until they bleed to death.
    MEXICO You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a siesta.
    SWITZERLAND You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. If they give milk, you tell no one.
    ITALY You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
    RUSSIA You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
    CANADA You have two cows. On cold winter nights you sleep between them. You wonder why you smell that way.
    BRAZIL You have two cows. One bred from the most expensive and productive cows around. It produces lots of good milk, so you feed it well, take extremely good care of it, and build it a stable to sleep in at night. The other cow is a descendent of your grandfather's beasts of burden. You feed it barely enough to keep it alive, and make it sleep outside. As a result, although potentially strong and useful, it produces little milk. Depressed, it sits in a corner all day playing a sad samba. Sometimes it steals the other cow's food, but you don't REALLY care enough about either of them to act, as long as the milk still makes you money.
    GREECE You have two cows. You claim subsidy from the EU for 400 cows.
    Your 199 first cousins, who also have two cows each, do the same. When the EU inspectors come around, you shift the 400 cows from cousin to cousin (on the beautiful EU subsidised Greek motorway system). Everyone gets subsidies for 400 cows. On the proceeds you open a hotel and drink Ouzo all day while you wife runs it.
    HUNGARY You have two cows. One gives nothing but sour milk. You sell it to your brother without telling him.
    IRELAND You have two cows. One is Catholic, one is Protestant. You must keep them in separate fields, occasionally they bite each other through the dividing fence. Hatred stops milk production.
    ISRAEL You have two cows. You insist they be pastured on a Palestinian's farm at no cost. One day, to feed his starving family, he milks them before you can. You demand the government imprison him and build a police outpost so your cows can be watched.
    PALESTINE You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the Israeli police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli marketplace. When both cows die you blame the Jews.
    CUBA You have two cows. You leave one with your family and take the other to Florida in a leaky boat. The cow makes it but you drown. The cow faces months of legal rangles and publicity before being deported.
    ZIMBABWE You have two black-and-white cows. You decide that you don't like the white parts, so decide to hack them off with a knife. You then wonder why the cows seem to be dying. You blame the white cow in the next paddock for the whole thing.
    SINGAPORE You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

    POLITICAL COWS
    COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, then sells you the milk.
    PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
    COMMUNISM (reality): You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
    COMMUNISM (Stalinism) You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?
    CHINESE COMMUNISM You have two cows. You are made to take care of them, the government takes all the milk.
    COMMUNISM (Leninism) You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are also shot as counter-revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.
    MILITARIANISM You have two cows. the government takes both and drafts you.
    DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
    TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
    FASCISM You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
    ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours will kill you and take your cows.
    AUSTRALIAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production and control the price of milk.You throw a huge beef barbie with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field. You still have two cows.
    AUSTRALIAN DEMOCRACY 2 You have two cows (and their two little calves that arrived by boat from a war torn country). The government locks them up in a prison in the middle of the desert. The Minister for Immigration gets a privately owned company to guard the cows and milk them for $1 billion. The cows riot and the guards use tear gas on them. You help the cows break out in the middle of the night. The cows turn up at the British Embassy and ask for asylum. They are rejected out of hand and sent back overseas because they are illegal according to the government. The government then bans illegal cows from setting foot on sacrad Australian soil and pays $1 billion in aid to poor countries to get rid of the illegal cow problem. You get no milk.
    PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
    REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Politicians decide who gets the milk.
    AMERICAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you have to sell both. Your tax is used to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was originally one of yours, a free gift from your government.
    BRITISH DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government does nothing.
    LIBERTARIANISM (USA) You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
    PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everybody else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. the government gives you as much milk as you need.
    BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. the government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you all the eggs and milk that regulations say you should need.
     
  15. luvhuffer

    luvhuffer Member

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    YOUR WORLD...AS COWS (cont.)

    CONCEPTUAL COWS
    APARTHEID You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.
    FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
    PACIFISM You have two cows. They stampede you.
    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines (of non-specified gender). They get married and adopt a veal calf.
    REALISATIONALISM You have two cows. They are for their calves, their milk was never meant for human consumption!
    ENVIRONMENTALISM You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
    PSYCHOTICISM You think you have two cows. therefore you have two cows. you think!
    VEGETARIANISM You have two cows. You compete with them for food.
    IDEALISM You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.
    NAIVE OPTIMISM You have two cows. You trade one to a Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to grow a beanstalk reaching up to the magic kingdom. They never sprout. You trade the second cow to the same Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to do better.
    NIHILISM You have two cows. You don't milk them because they're just going to die anyway.
    EUROPEAN UNIONISM You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, and dispose of the milk in an unlicenced landfill site.
    AL QAEDAISM You have two cows. You stampede them into a building and they die. You call them martyrs, thank Allah that they are in cow paradise, and blame America for their death.
    SADISM You have two cows. You shoot them both and drown yourself in their milk.
    WELFARE STATE You have two cows. You milk them and then give them each other's milk to drink.
    CARTESIAN DUALISM You have two cows. Therefore you are.
    SOLITARY CANNIBALISM You have two cows. You eat your own leg followed by a nice glass of milk.
    ANIMAL RIGHTIST You invade someone's pasture and set his cows free. They wander onto the highway, many people and cows die. You feel proud.
    ALTERNATIVE-CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.
    BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that they take both of them, shoots one, pours the milk down the drain. Then they require you to fill out 27 forms accounting for your missing cows.
    POLYGAMY You have two cows. You buy six bulls.
    SIMPSONISM You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.
    SCHIZOPHRENIA You have a cow. They have wonderful conversations with you.
    SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
    harmonica lessons.


    RELIGIOUS COWS
    TALIBAN You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you milk both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
    METHODISM You have two cows. They start a farm holy club, then preach throughout the countryside until all the animals experience revival, then they all camp out together and sing a lot.
    BUDDISM You have two cows. You do not desire their milk so you are not unhappy when it is unavailable. Your lack of desire and dependency on external sources of happiness is about to let you escape the cycle of life and suffering (so that you don't get reincarnated into a cow), but then the Chinese come and destroy or take away everything that's yours.
    UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISM You have two cows; They smoke in their religious services, and refuse to be nailed down in any belief, except that all cows will enjoy the benefits of becoming 'Filet Mignons' rather than dog food.
    EPISCOPALIANISM You have Anglophile two cows. They are American, but speak with English accents, sit around and smoke the best cigars, drink the finest wine, and enjoy each other's delicious intellectualism. On occasion they give sermons to the other cows on how to be a better steward of their money
    AMISH You have two cows. You milk them manually, transport the milk by foot or bicycle, and trade it for wood, water, and other useful things.
    MORMON You have two cows. You feed them only natural foods. One is away on a two-year mission right now. You give your church one tenth of the milk your remaining cow produces.
    JEHOVA'S WITNESSES You have two cows. You go door to door to see if anyone else's cows want to join yours.
    SHINTO You have two cows. One rings a huge bell as the other continuously chants, "Amida Holstein".
    ATHEISM You have two cows. The evidence is all around the farmyard, s**t everywhere, but you still don't believe they exist.
    CHRISTIAN You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
    AGNOSTIC You may or may not have two cows, it's really logically impossible to determine. - OR (and I think I like this better) - You have two cows. Just by looking a them, it is impossible to determine how they came into being.
    JUDAISM You have two cows. Their ancestors escaped slavery and went on to be mistreated and prosecuted throughout history. You give them a pasture, but then other animals fight over it.
    PROTESTANTISM You have 2 cows, they read the bible all day, one disagrees with the other over a petty issue, one cow leaves and forms a new church.
    CATHOLICISM You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Mary’s.
    TAOISM You have two cows. A black one, and a white one. You name them yin and yang. You don't touch them for fear of making them unbalanced. You decide to meditate on the subject.
    NEO-PAGANISM You have two cows. You preform charms and complicated rituals to ensure their safety and health. During the full moon and on holidays you dance around them naked and decorate them with berries. while trying to heal their auras you decide they should not be caged and let them roam free. One cow strays into the road and gets hit by a truck, you only have one cow, until your next ritual calls for a sacrifice, you now have no cows.
    BAPTIST You have two cows. They refuse to associate with any other of the livestock, and read only the oldest version of bovine truth.
    ISLAM You have two cows. One refuses to join your jihad, so you kill it.
    The other wears a full-length burka so as not to excite any of the bulls.
    CHRISTIAN SCIENCE You have two cows. One dies, but you deny that reality. The other reads 'Science and Health' and 'Key to the Scriptures' all day long.
    HINDUISM You have two well-fed cows. God forbid you touch them.

    MODERN DAY LIVING COWS
    EDUCATION-ISM You have two cows. You pay for them to go to university. They come home as philosophy graduates and want to debate "The Morality Of Milk In A Cross-Species Society". Giving milk is now beneath their station in life anyway.
    TEENAGER-ISM You have two cows. You raise them, clothe them, feed them until they are almost adults. Then they start complaining about the brand name of the grass they are eating, or the places they must accompany you to (like the oh-so-dreadful barn or paddock). You don't know who their other friends are or what farms they go to at night. All you can hope is that they'll come to you for help. Finally they become sullen and hang out with the tough cows with lots of tattoos who only smoke the best weed. Soon your daughter cow is coming home with a little calf of her own.
    BOY RACER-ISM You have two cows. You lower one, tint it's eyes, stick 'go-fast' stripes down it's side and fit a turbocharger around it's udder. You install a speaker system and a cd changer and frequent the local street meets. You use the other cow for spare parts.
    UNIVERSITYSTUDENT-ISM You have two cows. Because of the upcoming election,and the issues raised by the politicians, each cow forms their own protest group. One to support the politician, one to counter-protest (all the time smoking a lot of pot, drinking all the time and getting little sleep). You care about their exams, but they are only concerned about vocalising their rights. After a big march in the city, you have to go to the police station to bail out the dissident cow after it threw dung-filled balloons at the riot police
    ART-ISM You have two cows. You ask them to model in the nude. You paint a triangle and do an interpritave dance.
    MODERN ART-ISM You have two pieces of lawn furniture. You turn them upside down and call them cows. Somebody pays you $2 million for "Two Cows" and recieves the inverted lawn furniture. They think these are the best cows they've ever seen.
    TRANSFORMER-ISM You have two cows, Optimoo Prime and Ultra Milknus. They can both turn into giant robots, or combine into a bigger cow who can produce more milk than any cow the world has ever seen
    STAR TREK-ISM Captain's log, stardate 48572.3. We have acquired two genetically enhanced cows from the alien ambassadors. We are now transporting them to Earth for use in the Federation's milk distribution program. In doing this we hope to successfully defeat the Borg despite their new pigspace technology.
    STAR WARS-ISM You have two cows. ' These aren't the cows you're looking for. Move along, move along'.
    LEETSPEAK-ISM u |-|4v 2 c0wZ. t|-|3y r0><0rz ur b0><0rs. 0t|-|3r p30p735 c0wZ 5u><0rz 4|\| r b145.
    ZOO-ISM You have two cows. You keep them in a confined space and charge people to see them.
    HUNTER-ISM You have two cows. You buy a hunting license and build a tree stand. Steak is served for dinner.
    MODEL-ISM You have two cows. They are spotted by a modeling agency. They stop eating, get utter augmentations, and begin to wear skimpy hides. One year later, you spot them on the cover of "Bovine."
    SERIAL MILKER You have two cows. You follow them and learn their habits. One night you wear a ski-mask and milk them. No one suspects you.
     
  16. TheLizardQueen

    TheLizardQueen horny for knowledge

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    Why did the Beatles break up?

    They got crushed by some Rolling Stones
     
  17. MrRee

    MrRee Senior Member

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    What is it that men do standing up, women do sitting down, and dogs do on three legs? ~ shake hands.
     
  18. A really drunk guy is about to leave the pub. He's stagerring down the hallway when two really cute identical twins start walking down towards him. They both separate to let him pass. He stops for a moment and thinks "How the hell did she do that?"
     
  19. FallenDreamer

    FallenDreamer Member

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    Dude walks up to someone and says "Why do you like Jesus?" The other one shrugs. Then the dude says "Because he's hung like this!" and holds out his arms like he's on the cross.

    I just heard that today and had to share, wow was all I had to say.
     
  20. recklessrick

    recklessrick Member

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    What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe??






    Sooner or later the canoe will tip.
     

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