Stupid Joke Thread

A man walks into a psychiatrists wearing nothing but a pair of cling film boxer shorts. The shrink says 'I can clearly see your nuts'

 

Q: What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'

A: You can get to sleep with a light on

 

You're really cute when you get all selfconcious...

 

Three nuns were at confession. The first says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have touched a man's penis." Priest says "Wash your hands in the fountain of Holy water." Second nun says, "forgive me... I've had sex with a man." Priest says "maybe you should SIT in the fountain." Third nun says "Mind if I go first? I gotta gargle..."

 

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

 

Guy and girl go on a first date and they drive out to a secluded place to get it on. Just as he's unzipping his pants she says:

"I probably should have told you this before, but I'm actually a prostitute, and I charge $30 for sex."

He's unsettled by this, but reluctantly pays her and they have a good ol' sweaty romp. After they're done their ciggies he stretches back in his seat, folds his arms behind his head, and sighs. The girl asks him why he's just sitting there and he says:

"I probably should have told you this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $35..."

 

Three guys in a hot tub, naked. All of a sudden, a pager goes off. One guy says "excuse me, but I need to answer this. " Comes back, and the third guy says "Where you hidin' a pager? We're naked in a hot tub" First guys says "Well, my pager is so important to my buisness I had it implanted in my body. That way it's always on me." They sit for a while longer and they hear a cell phone go off. Second guy says "Excuse me, I need to take this." Comes back and the third guy says "Implant?" "Yeah. I thought it was a great idea..." By now the third guy is feeling electronically challenged, so he starts thinkin'. He says, "Excuse me for a few minutes, guys." He gets out of the hot tub and goes to the bathroom. He comes back out with a piece of TP hanging out his ass-crack shouting "Whoa, Guys! SOMEONE'S gettin' a fax!"

 

A couple of hunters are out shooting pigs when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other bloke whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

“My friend is dead! What can I do?” he asks the operator.

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Now just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot. The bloke comes back on the line.

He says: “OK, now what?"

 

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

Have you heard the new Jewish rapper? Ice Berg!

Have you heard the new Muslim rapper? Ice Kareem!

 

How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.

 

A man walking on a beach in Cali found a lamp, and when he rubbed it a ginnie popped out. He was granted a wish (just one). He thought, and finally told the ginnie "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I'm terrified of flying. And I'm even more afraid of boats. So I'd like a bridge built to Hawaii so I can drive. The ginnie is furious! He says "Do you have any idea what you're asking? I mean, the concrete alone would be... and the steel! the asphalt! You gotta come up with something else! No Way!" So the guy thinks... and finally says "Ginnie, I've never been good with girls. Never had any luck with them. And I think it's cuz I don't understand them. So I'd like to understand women. That's my wish." And the ginnie says "That bridge. You thinkin' four or six lanes..."

 

A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions.

When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

 

Roy Rogers was on the trail, camped in the mountains when a mountian lion came into camp and stole his brand new cowboy boots. He tracked the animal and eventually found the boots destroyed. Gnawed to a frazzle. He proceeded on the most grueling animal hunt the west had ever seen. Six weeks of torturous tracking. One day he shot the lion, and drug his carcass back to town. When he got there, Dale came up to him and asked "Pardon me Roy. Is that the cat that chewed the new shoes?"

 

Not originally mine but now I claim them as such....

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We really do taste like chicken.

 

Why did the redneck cross the road?

Cause his dick was still in the chicken!

hahahaha.......

 

A duck walks into a corner store at 3 in the afternoon, he walks up to the clerk and says,

"Ya got any duck food?"

The clerk replies,

"we don't carry duck food here".

So the duck leaves. The next day at 3 o'clock the duck enters the same store again, walks up to the clerk and says:

"Ya got any duck food?"

The clerk says,

"listen, I told you YESTERDAY that we dont have any fucking duck food, so dont come back."

The duck leaves.

At 3 o'clock the next day, the duck enters the store and says:

"YA got any duck food?"

The clerk says:

"LISTEN HERE, I TOLD YOU WE DONT HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD AND IF YOU COME BACK ILL NAIL YOUR FLAT FUCKING FEET TO THE FLOOR, YA HEAR?!"

The duck leaves.

At 3 o'clock the following day the duck returns to the same store. He walks over to the clerk and says:

"Ya, got any nails?"

The clerk replies, "no".

The duck says,

"well in that case, You got any duck food?"

 

hey i JUST realized this.....FUCK...hey happykoala..."got any duck food?"

 

A bear walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I want a beer!"
The bartender says, "Look pal, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!"
The bear gets pissed off and says, "Maybe you didn't hear me right. I said I want a beer!"
Bartender replies, "Like I said, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar!"
The bear rears up and says, "Oh yeah! You think you can talk to me like that! Let me show you something!" He looks around and sees a drunk gal sitting on a stool at the end of the bar, walks up to her and decapitates her with one swipe of his paw! He then devours her whole!
"There!" said the bear. "I think you'd better give me that beer now!"
Bartender says, "For the last time, we don't serve no beers to no bears in this bar! Especially bears on drugs!"
"On drugs! What the hell you mean on drugs!"
"That was a BAR BITCH YOU ATE!"

 

A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the Chef Salad and a glass
of wine. Upon finishing his meal, he pulls out an Uzi and fires at everything
in sight, virtually destroying the establishment.
The owner, hearing the gunfire, comes running
from the kitchen."Hey! Why did you go and shoot up my restaurant, man?"
"I'm not a man, I'm a Panda,"calmly answers the Panda.
"So you're a Panda," yells the proprietor,"what right does that give you
to destroy my business?"
"Look it up in the dictionary...I gotta go,"replies the Panda, who then strolls
out of the restaurant.Fumbling under the bar, the owner finds a dictionary,
thumbs through the P's until he finds: Panda,a white and black bearlike
animal of asia; eats shoots and leaves.