Stupid Random Jokes

an english man, irish man and scotts man die and all 3 go to the gates of heaven. they meet saint peter who asks, 'if you can get this peanut through those rugby posts you may pass through the gates into heaven'

First the english man walks up, takes aim and flicks the peanut as hard as he can. However the peanut falls short, the clouds open up and he falls to the firy pits of hell!!

The irish man is second, after seeing what happened to the English man he takes better aim and flicks the peanut harder. However, the peanut bounces off the crossbar. Once again the clouds open up and he falls to hell.

at last the scottish man strolls up to the peanut and casually flicks it through the posts. as said the gates open, but before he passes through st peter questions how he did it.

'Easy' says the irish man 'im gay'

 

What's big and purple and swims in the ocean?

Moby Grape

 

have you heard the one about the two irish queers, scottfitzgerald.

you know the first symptoms of aids? a continuos pounding sensation in the ass.
how many homosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one, but it takes a whole operation room to remove it. funny.

 

a nun, a priest, a rabbi, the devil, 3 cheerleaders, george bush, bill clinton, hilary duff, clay aiken, my mom, a turtle, and a duck walk into a bar.

the bartender sees them and goes "what is this, a joke?"

 

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was hilarious i_was_in_shroom_land!!!

 

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint his toe nails red!

 

lol.

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. The guy says, "This is the pig I have sex with whenever you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

The guy replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

^ lol

 

Why would an elephant paint all of his toenails different colors?

So he could hide in a bag of M&Ms!
Or on a pool table!

 

Two elephants are in a bathtub. One says 'Please pass the salt', the other one says 'What do you think I am? A typewriter??'

That cracked me up in grade eight..........

 

What would you do if I threw you a party?
I'd try to catch it!

 

what is green, comes as a garnish, and is a king?


elvis parsly

 

What did the old chimney say to the new chimney?
You’re too young to smoke!

 

what did one eye say to the other?
between you and me, something smells

 

how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, how they got in the lightbulb i don't know

 

What big, rectangular, bright orange and has four to six wheels on top?

An upside down school bus.

 

A senile elderly woman who was a retired porn star had the habit of lifting her skirt and screaming, "Superpussy!" at passerby.
On the sidewalk she was found flashing pedestrians and yelling, "Superpussy!"
In front of schoolchildren, "Superpussy!"
At the laudromat, "Superpussy!"
In the restaurant, she approached a man and lifting her skirt exclaimed, "Superpussy!"
With a look of horrified disgust at the saggy sight before him, the man replied...



"I'll take the soup."

 

hopefully this one hasnt been done

a guy walks into a shop and asks for an innuendo, so the shop keeper gave him one.


hehehehehe.

 

I was out camping and shot a bear in my underwear, How he got in my underwear I'll never know!

 

how many pancakes can you fit in a dog house??

none cuz fish dont like ice cream!