Stupid Random Jokes

What do you get if you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie?
A melon collie baby!

 

how much weed could a weedchuck chuck if a weedchuck could chuck weed?
none, id smoke it all!

 

4 gay guys walk into a bar...with only one available bar stool, how do they all sit down?

turn the one seat upside down

hehe

 

A horse walks into a bar , the bartenter says, so what's with the long face.

 

What happened to the girl who ate 40 popsicles?
She snowed her pants.

 

STICK IT OUT

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to
the principal's office, where he could phone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.
After a few minutes, the boy returned to the classroom, where he sat
down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room.
The teacher went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your
mom!" she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

haha bent over and spell run ==> R-U-N ====> are you in? lol

how u know u had a gay BBQ? the winers taste like shit!

 

****

 

An old lady has to go to the doctor and she is very nervous. The doc can tell this, so as he is putting on his gloves he decides to tell her a joke to calm her down.
Doc... "Do you know how they make these gloves?"
Old lady very nervously..."No."
Doc..."Well....a bunch of people stand around a huge tub of latex and dip their hands in, let it cool, peel them off and package them."
The lady now looks horrified, the doc, in desperation, asks "what's wrong? It's a joke?"
She replies... I think I just found out how they make condoms!!!!"

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An old farmers advice,
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

 

what is green and very dangerous?
answer- a herd of wild pickles

 

why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.
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Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ?

Because if they all went, it would be hell.
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A wealthy man, a vegetarian, a Muslim woman and an American are walking down the road.

A reporter stops them and says, "excuse me, what is your opinion on the unaffordable price of meat?"

The wealthy man says, "what's 'unaffordable'?"

The vegetarian says, "what's 'meat'?"

The Muslim woman says, "what's 'an opinion'?"

and the American says, "what's 'excuse me?'"

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I saw a the results of a phone in poll this morning: Do you think computer games make children more violent?

62% of people said no, 23% said yes, and 15% said don't know.

It's not the poll that alarms me, it's the fact that 15% of people rang up to say that they didn't know!

Mock the week is great isn't it?
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I got kicked out of school a few years back. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.

When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen.
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Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
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How come the movie "White Men Can't Jump" isn't racist but, when I try to make a movie called "Black Men Can't Get Jobs", I get called a racist?
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A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm.

"Do you sell fishcakes here?" he asks.

"No, sorry" replies the shopkeeper.

"That's a shame, it's his birthday today"
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I don't see why us Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 232 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about?
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies: "That's great! Did she give you head?"

"No, I never found the head."
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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
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The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, "show me it's true what they say about black men."
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!
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What's black and doesn't work?

Half of London.
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Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of 2 pounds and we will send you the video, its fucking hilarious!!!
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What's small and green and swims in the sea?

Moby Pickle

 

he who laughs last , just got the joke

 

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their
shoes."

 

bahahhaha!
these are soooooo funny!

I'm a sheep

 

I usually visit this thread when I need a good laugh. It doesn't fail to do so.

 

An old lady wants company in her house after her husband passes away, so she goes to the pet shop and wants a big bird. She finally picks one out, but the man argues with her and tells her that this bird has bad language. She argues with him till he gives in and she takes the bird home.
So the bird is walking back and forth on his perch and stubs his toe, he yells out...."Shit!!!!", the old lady hears this and tells him..." Now, now, we don't talk like that in this house." and puts him in the freezer for 5 mins. He walks back and forth trying to stay warm till she takes him back out and puts him on his perch. He thinks this is a big mistake, putting him in the freezer like that. So he is walking back ans forth on his perch again and stubs his toe again and yells out..."Son of a bitch!!!!!". So she comes and gets him again and telling him not to talk like that, puts him in the freezer for 15 mins. He walks back and forth trying to stay warm, he is shivering and rubbing his wing together. She comes and gets him out and puts him back on the perch, where he walks back and forth. He stubs his toe and yells....Damnit to Hell!!!!!. She comes and tells him to watch his mouth and puts him in the freezer again for 30 mins. He is very cold now, pacing and shivering. Well, he stubs his toe on something......he jumps, and covers his mouth before he could cuss....but he looks down and he sees a frozen chicken with gapping eyes and mouth he thinks...." Oh....no.... he must of said fuck!!!!!"

This is actually better told in person so you can act out the poor bird.

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An old farmers advice,
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

 

why is shit tapered at the end?

because it would hurt like hell if your ass had to slam shut.

 

Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

 

Why did the plane fall from the sky and crash?




Because the pilot was a tomato