Suicide Note (untitled)

As everyone above me have said your flow due to rhyme is great, and it's the kind of rhyme that isn't trite and boring too. reconcilliation-inebriation-conversation, that's awesome! you make it feel very natural and effortless. The first stanza is my favorite just due to your attention to detail and the pace and just the way everything worked so well. And yes the second stanza is more personal, but it manages to stay away from overly melodramatic cliches. (Except for the last line...which, if it were up to me, I'd scrap..) Also, how can cancer gnaw at bones, even as a metaphor? Maybe I'm just not very familiar with this.

Another comment: I wasn't really digging your format. Why did you use so many "..........."? They're a bit distracting, if you want to use them why not just do ..., instead of going dot-happy? The overuse of periods makes the piece look a bit juvenile, but that's strictly a question of 'presentation'.

 

Thanks for reading. Finally, somebody with some valid constructive criticism. This is what I was looking for when I decided to post.

I'm glad you liked the first stanza. That's actually where most of the work was done. This was the first time that i've actually written something and then spent time editing and re-reading it aloud to actually try and write a poem, not just write. The last line is a bit soppy and probably should go, especially as it's not even her real name.

As for being juvenile......... that's cool.
Your criticism was really welcome and helpful.

Peace,
Aidan

 

Aw, I didn't mean to offend by saying that! It's just that I felt that it was a bit excessive and therefore seemed juvinile..sowwy!

 

No need for apologies. You really didn't offend, you made me smile.