The air is cut with cyanide

Cargo travels across the cold Atlantic
I stow away among valuables in the belly of a ship
Portholes are my only reference to the open water
Nothing can make my maiden's walls rip
Waves break upon the bow
Icy walls bursting upon impact
Showering her steel with snow
Speeding through a mine field of frozen land
A petty bump to Davy Jones

 

Time for pleasure to pour itself from a faucet
Swirling like a miniature typhoon
Down the bathtub’s drain
Let’s get these seeds into the fresh soil
Before the winter is arranged
Do you miss the sound of the marching band?
The silent music she conducted in your mind
And do you feel damned
For noticing it’s absence?
I am water formed into a human’s shape
Watch the current wrap around my face
I drown myself in your disappearance
I turn my hands over slowly cursing them for your escape

 

For the most part i like your poems...you have great potential...i see some really promising stuff here. sometimes it is, however, hidden amongst explicative fluff...the more you write, the more you will learn to try to let the images speak for themselves.

for example, "For Myself" starts out good...i think you could expand on the metaphor a bit in the beginning, but the trampoline part is great. then on the end you added a line that has no image...the poem would be so much stronger if it ended with "tirelessly". poetry should show emotion, not spell out to the reader what the emotion is...

"Down with Davey Jones," "Open Water," and "Forest Fire," have good images in them and in "Patience Ling" i really like the line "few come and never go"...makes you stop and think a little, which is how a poem should ideally end...i also like this last "untitled" one...

sorry if this sounds harsh at all...or "know-it-all-ish"...i just think you have good potential if you can harness it...keep writing!

 

thanks a bunch skyfire, i see what you mean.
i forced that line, honestly. and i changed it because you are right.

 

I am rebuilding your shattered shelter with rusted tools
Aided by a hammer’s teeth
Tugging corroded nails from my temple
Crafting a stool
To raise the ground’s level
In order to learn what you teach
Not only my chest,
But my mind you must reach.

 

Thes four lines from #23untitled are spot-on. I like this poem a lot. I loved the idea of winter arranging itself. There was one line I thought seemed a little out of place, but then again maybe it just flew straght over my head. I used to make you proud. It just didn't fit for me.

There are others here, "Templar" being among them I liked and one I didn't really like "Open Water" but I want to read them some more and don't have a lot of time on my hands at the moment. I'll be back.

Peace,
A.

 

agreed with skyfire about the fluff. it's a good thing you're so prolific. the more you write the more the bullshit will sort itself out ehmmm like all the gravel getting panned away, leaving you wit' gold nuggets at the bottom of the sieve i guess. keep shakin'.

 

thanks red, i think open water is a matter of taste, im not sure about the ending. i think ill change it real quick.

btw guys i dont edit my poems before i post them, how i write is by just writing it out within 10-15 minutes and when i finish i post them, i dont really mess around with editing, so if you see something that you dont like, tell me, and i may agree with you and change it.
in case you wanted to know. fyi homies.

prolific? i like that, never been described that way =] good word.

hey major, have u ever thought about turning that last statement into a poem? if you dont i will.

 

I am a thief, a bandit, a swindler
Under no circumstance will I forget
Tragic toned and misty-eyed
He whispers his bravado to a complete stranger
“Could you do me a favor,
and love her as a mother?”
I could labor.

 

i like these last two quite a bit...especially this last one. you've done a good job to keep them tight and focused

 

=] thanks sky. ive been trying and ive grown so much as a writer since i first started posting on this forum thanks to a lot of people, and your criticism helped muchos

so gracias.

 

your welcome...thank you for keeping an open mind and being willing to listen to the advice of others...keep up the good work!

 

Ex3 is wow. I got really fantastic stuff out of that, it's short but it just strikes a chord.

 

=] thanks kitten! im hoping to hear more from you soon

 

Arms wrapped between your dainty hands
And that indifferent over-the-shoulder glance
A photograph of your dripping face
Blanketed across each fissure of my brain
With each emotion a fountain of cloudy color
Distinct from any other

 

[A photograph of your dripping face
Blanketed across each fissure of my brain
With each emotion a fountain of cloudy color
Distinct from any other]

Hi. Yikes, I liked that, but I'm biased towards psychologically inspired pieces. It's a beautiful turn of a phrase..blanketed across each fissure and emotion a fountain of cloudy color.

 

nice image!

 

=D thanks both of u!
but i dont see how it is psychological =\
explain?

 

Well you mention memory and the brain..and the way the picture is on your mind and emotion being a fountain of cloudy color reminded me of the chemicals in your brain that create those images and memories. As a psych major I can appreciate and pick out parts like that.

 

i see. =] lovely. i guess when u said biased i thought it was a bad thing.