The Friend Zone

Yeah, use the line. It will probably work. If she says she doesn't want a relationship, tell her you don't either, but you could use a fuck buddy. If she doesn't go for that, tell her that you still care about her, but that you're looking for something in your life that's missing, and if she's not it, you'll still spend time with her when you can, but you've got to keep looking.

And then, if need be, go on out there and look for something better...because there's always something better.

 

ooh the friend zone.. uh oh.. ever see that movie "just friends" :leaving:

 

If one of my guy friends told me this theyd never see me again because Id feel used. Like that they were just being my friend to get with me and Id be really hurt.

 

same, i love my guy friends.. if they said that to me.. id feel really betrayed and stuff

 

Ladies -- I can't speak for all of them, of course, but from my observation and experience, unfortunately, all or at best almost all of your heterosexual, male friends have a deep sexual attraction to you. This is not to say that they don't want to be friends with you -- it's just to say that they often wish for more. Also, if you keep them long enough, it is almost certain that one of you will drop the other as soon as one of you marries someone else.

 

Well I am aware of that the feeling maybe there but if someone told it to me like that it would upset me.
" tell her flat-out that you just don't believe it's possible for men and women to be friends"

thats the part that would make me feel betrayed

 

I suppose. At least it's honest. Also, it doesn't seem like this guy has known the girl for very long, or this issue would have been dealt with before.

Now, I could see how it would be very upsetting to hear something like that from a man who's been a friend of yours for years. But if it's only been a couple or a few weeks, then it just means the guy has finally decided exactly what he wants out of the relationship (and, incidentally, he wants her...which is no insult).

 

Ya very true. If a guy I just met decides he likes me and tells me that doesnt upset me. I guess I just thought about it in my shoes where my two best friends are guys and have been my friends since highschool.

To the O.P I guess you never know until you try.

 

I agree with yins ladies that what standingseated said was disgusting.

 

Why, Duck?

I don't think either of them said it was disgusting, only that coming from an old friend, it would seem like a betrayal. I agreed with them that it would, coming from an old friend.

But what do you find disgusting? The idea that heterosexual men and women can't be friends? I suppose we should begin also, by defining friendship.

 

And therefore, disgusting to hear the friend say.

They can be friends.. I'm friends with women.. or am I not heterosexual?

Okay, then define friendship for me.

 

Just to throw something out there, I'd say that friendship is mutual respect, admiration and affection between two people who feel absolutely no sexual desire for each other. In effect, no flirting, no rubbing one out while thinking of your "friend". Let's say a strictly heterosexual man could have two friends, one male and one female. If he'd feel exactly the same about giving either of them a shirtless massage or a foot massage, he might actually be friends with the female. If he'd feel exactly the same way about sleeping in the same bed with either of them, he might actually be friends with the female.

Now I'm turning into Jeff Foxworthy...

 

Also, I'd probably dispute his heterosexuality.

Now, it's possible that the female might be utterly, utterly unattractive in the male's opinion...but in that case, the male would have never spoken one more word than was really necessary to the female.

Male and female coworkers might have a friendly relationship in the office...but if he ever asks her out for an after-work beer, he's expressing at least a subtle sexual desire.

 

I don't see why friends can't include limited sexual interest.
I mean, I can maybe see your argument if it's a case of "man, I'd totally bang her" - but having some attraction, I don't see why it rules them out of being a friend.
For instance, most of my friends are heavier dudes. If I was giving them a shirtless back massage, I would likely be thinking about how gross and gelatin like and sweaty their back is.
Now, if I was giving a female friend a massage, I would likely be admiring the nice feminine curves.
However, if I was giving one of my better looking male acquaintances a massage, I would likely be admiring their back, and wondering what exercises I'd have to do to look more like it.
Does this make me not friends with them?
Does this make me not-hetero, because I know what I would want to look like?

 

You wouldn't feel exactly the same about giving a massage to a good looking male friend as you'd feel about giving a massage to a good looking female friend. That's a normal, heterosexual response. And it does mean that the relationship you have with the female friend is, at the level of the core of your physical being, different from the one you have with the male friend. Your body will simply never understand that she is not a potential mate. Your back brain will never understand that, either. You might convince your front brain that she's off limits for whatever reason, but that's just something you're putting over the front of things.

Now, how would she feel about you? Even if she does not want to have sex with you, she will keep you around in case she needs protection or provision for herself or her children. She might convince her front brain that her interest in you has nothing to do with that, but her back brain and her body respond to you exactly as they do to any male.

Men and women evolved to be like this, long before all the niceties of modern society. Men view women as potential sex partners, women view men as potential hunter-gatherers.

If a woman puts a man into the friend zone, it is because she believes she can find a better hunter-gatherer. If a man puts a woman into the friend zone, it is because he thinks she's ugly.

These are pretty general statements. Sexuality is not a black and white issue, so there will be gray areas that will vary according to the levels of bisexuality of the people involved.

 

Yes, chances are if you're in the friends zone it's because you chose to be there yourself as you only wanted to be friends with the girl initially.

This is true with some guys, you're not single and you make some female friends, then when you are single and want to go out with them it's a bit weird.

Or second, you can make physical improvements, start working out, and then one day take off your shirt.

I know you might think it's a really cheesy thing to do, but believe me, there's little a woman can do when she sees a ripped guy, it's the same if a guy sees a nice hard ass, " she's the hottest friend I've ever had ".

Enjoy.

 

Why shoudln't the brain ever understand that?
For some, maybe even most, sure.
But there are also some who are genetically monogamous (though, I'm not sure I fit this category =P) (The link is a crappy article about the monogamy hormone, because I couldn't find the good one I read).

I also think that those are pretty general statements, but I think they are overly general, overly simplified, and sound like how the world works from the perspective of a stand-up comedian.
I really don't believe that men and women have no connection other than mating possibilities - and I don't feel optimistic about getting you to see otherwise, cause it seems one of those opinions that is just based on life experiences - so, I think I'll drop this exercise in futility right now.
But I suppose you have explained the thought process that led to the nasty comments, and made them seem less nasty - so you can take this as a partial victory - you may want to watch the wording next time if you want to avoid controversy - but that may not be your intention - so I'll just be leaving now...

 

im in a much more difficult, awkward boat right now...like a canoe with no oars and a hole in it approaching niagra falls I'm just going to see what happens and hope for the best

 

some girls just dont like some guys in that way. she's basically telling you that you're too ugly to date, but too nice to hurt. ok? ok. accept it and move on.

 

I said the back brain, Duck. The back brain doesn't deal with much complexity. The only difference between a modern person and a caveman is a lifetime of conditioning.

But yes, my ideas are definitely based on my experiences. I won't deny that it took a lot of pain to come to those realizations. Growing up, most of my friends were girls. One by one they married other guys as we got older, and one by one I lost them. Not my choice. Maybe not even theirs, directly. It's just life.

But I realized that it wasn't their fault. I hadn't been completely honest. I was the nice guy they could come crying to or go shopping with. If I found a girlfriend from time to time, most of them were subtly against me staying with her. Sometimes they'd sabotage whatever interest another girl had shown in me. I'm sure they liked the attention. I went through all our ups and downs in the relationship like all I ever wanted was to know them and care for them as friends...but they filled my fantasies. When it came time for them to get serious about their lives, it was time for them to tell me goodbye.

I understand it now...but it still hurts when I think about it. So, if I advised the guy to be curt or rude, it's because I sincerely believe he's in a position of needing to defend himself. Also, it's because I've used that line with women I've only known for a few days, and it has always had good results...the main reason we're posting here is because we wanted to help him out.

Also, Duck, I think you are very wise for your years. I don't mean that in some condescending, ageist way-- you just surprise me.