the JOKE thread

Da Ballerina

A tall, large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?



"The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed;

"Give da ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked;

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar.

"Give da ballerina another drink! We can't expect her to dance on one leg.."



The bartender approached the little drunk and asked;

"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,

but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied;

"Hell, any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

 

any 80's 90's goths out there?

Wayne Hussey dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he meets up
with Gabriel who gives him the grand tour of heaven. While touring he
sees many familiar faces including Jimi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Mary
Shelly, and of course Nick Fiend kinda shows up once in a while... And
then he sees Andrew Eldritch Sitting on a HUUUGE throne.. Wayne Says to
Gabriel "I didn't know Andrew was dead!" Gabriel replies, "Oh, that's
God(tm) He only thinks he's Andrew."

 

that is so sick........and kinda funny. lol

1. Why don't men lick their balls like dogs
2. Why do women have periods
3. Why are wedding dresses white?

1. Cuz they can't reach.
2. cuz they deserve'em.
3. so the new dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.

 

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when

they aren't looking.


2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute

intervals.


3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest

rooms.


4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code

3'in housewares,....and see what happens.


5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers

you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding

department.


8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why

can't you people just leave me alone?


9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick

your nose.


10. While handling guns in the hunting department,ask the clerk if he

knows where the anti-depressants are.


11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme

from 'Mission Impossible'.


12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using

different size funnels.


13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK

ME! PICK ME!"


14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal

position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"


And last but not least:


15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then

yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."

 

Vanilla Pudding
​

​

Once inside the bank, just after midnight, their efforts at disabling the alarm system got underway immediately.
​

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables,
​

were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
​

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, but inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
​

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
​

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
​

The process continued until all of the safes had been opened.
​

They did not find even one pound sterling, not a single diamond, nor an ounce of gold.
​

Instead, every one of the safes contained little, covered bowls of pudding.
​

Disappointed, they made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
​

​

The newspaper headline read:
​

​

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING !
​

​

 

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off..
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey. "

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?

 

lol




good one

A couple are driving through Yosemite when they run over a skunk. They pull over and are just moving it off the road when they see a park warden driving up.
The husband says, "Quick, we can't let him see we killed a skunk, hide it, put it up your dress."
She says, "But what about the smell.?"

"Honey, its already dead."

 

What do you call a blonde with pigtails...












































a blow job with handles...harhahrhar

 

Why don't women have any brains?


























Because they don't have a penis to keep them in...

 

A Blonde with Earrings

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?

So they have some place to put their feet.

 

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

 

Adventures in Disneyland

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

 

Bamming in 'Bama

What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity
(that was for patrick since he lives in alabama )

 

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

 

Hahahaha

 

Cartoon Animal Infidelity

Q: What happened when Snoopy found out his girl cheated on him?

A: He bitch-slapped her.

 

Hehe...

 

haha...bitch-slap

 

Cherry Pop

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."

"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."

"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."

"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly."

 

Chicken and egg are lying in...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

HA HA HA