The Little Red Book

Loved this! Holy cow. It's short but it's punchy, I don't think it needs anything more.

 

nice...simple yet very dark...

 

Okay Red, I've read through everything here, and I've got to say, I like the way you write. Your pieces are succinct, at times hard-hitting, often humorous and always entertaining. Your short pieces are haiku-like in their depth, without being obtuse. You drive straight (me, i have trouble staying on the road). A piece like "Alone" is a good example of this. There's a philosophy in there, a perspective, that I love. "Suicide Note": an excellent piece of verse, very different from what you've produced since though. I'm not sure how you go about writing -- if you're deliberate or not (i'm not...everything I do is accidental; deliberately) -- but I wonder why you have walked down that avenue more often. Or perhaps you have and just haven't shared. I'm surprised no one mentioned "Seeds of Racism" that poem was hilarious, subtle (like the racism described) and, dare I say, perfect. The childlike tone, the patient parent responses. Too many poems on subjects like racism are maudlin or overblown -- this was not, and it was first rate. Of everything here, I'd have to say "real heroes build pedestals not stand upon them" is my favourite line, and a wonderful aphorism, definitely quotable. My hats off to you for being a teacher: tough job passing judgment upon the abilities of others, while expected to shape that ability. "behead" was a great way of expressing some of the pain you evidently feel have to wear the mantle of teacher. You can feel your love for your students, your feelings of responsibility towards them just bleeding through those lines, baby. Fuckin A (little nod to the teacher there). And finally "An Ode to Brevity...", awesome title, absolutely hilarious. Great, amusing little poem. I know I saw the "real heroes" line was my favourite, but it's got to be a toss-up between that one and "I've got the knack of killing without flinching" -- that is a line laden with power and depth. Cheers.

 

I have been reworking this poem over the last couple of months and although it is still far from perfect, I think it is a lot tighter than the original draft. I would really appreciate any comment, insights or suggestions.


One Night Stand (version 2)


Awoke
among memories scattered
hastily as removed clothes.

Sunday morning
pierced venetians, and slashed
the salted sheets.

Beneath the crumpled mess
were bloodshot eyes;
distress flares fizzling.

But I just turned and left,
a bearded rum-soaked pirate,
blessed with a grease-pole conscience.
_________________________________________________

 

hey red i really liked this one the first time around, i'm glad you continue to work on it, you've really tightened it up a lot...can i just make a couple of suggestions?


Awoke
among memories scattered
hastily as removed clothes. -nice, this stanza is much better and very solid the way it is

Sunday morning
pierced venetians,
slashed the salted sheets. -i would eliminate "and"

Beneath the crumpled mess
were bloodshot eyes;
distress flares fizzling. -i'm not a huge fan of the "were" but dont really know what else to do with it..."were" seems like an unneccessary and fairly passive word here, i would be inclined to say
Beneath the crumpled mess
bloodshot eyes
fizzle like distress flares. -but that's not exactly very good either...

I turned and left,
a bearded, rum-soaked pirate,
blessed with a grease-pole conscience. -i would eliminate "but" and "just" because technically you didnt give us an alternative...does that make sense? you dont consider staying but then leave, you simply leave. i also suck a comma between "bearded" and "rum-soaked" just to be grammatically correct...

i really enjoy this poem...i like the last line especially...keep going red, good for you for taking the time to workshop your pieces...

 

i picked three random poems

the first stanza, honestly, has me melting at the first line, and by the end of the stanza, i'm in a puddle. and that sounds really strange, but it's awesome. yeah.

i sit

i want to exhale toxic mood rings, you must teach me, what color is your soul-smoke?

twist and die.

how often DOES darkness yield shadows...? you see shadows in the dark?

i am in love with it.

torturous pressure cookers with ominous fan blades. awesome.

graphite sketches and stolen glances. awesome

all of a sudden it's like a quentin tarantino flick. slash/slash.

but i like the sound of "slaughtered hopes and dismembered dreams." awesome.

exhausted silence, sinks to knees, SEPUKKU

i like "floating face down in a pool of murdered hope" but is that the speaker or the two face guy? how do you watch somebody face down in a pool of murdered hope?

who is Bald Eagle? is he the boss? make him the boss. the vultures are just his minions. you should stomp on them with your mighty foot. give yourself a mighty foot.

exactly. FEARLESS is the mighty foot.

the mighty foot will free us all.




i dig the hell out of all the stuff you write

 

Thanks horace for taking the time to troll through this lengthy thread and leave some positive thoughts. I appreciate it.

Skyfire, your line-specific criticism of 'One Night Stand' will definitely help me as I reshape and remodel it over the coming months. Thanks.

 

Untitled

The buffalo's bell clangs hollow
as he wallows in the muddied ditch
beyond the wooden fence. Dark farmers
stoop and shave the fields, spines curve
like question marks. Their sickles scar
the golden slopes, shimmer in the sun,
while the schoolbell echoes distant.
_________________________________________

I've been experimenting a lot with line-breaks and sonics over the last while. I've also been trying to cut down on adjectives, and would love some honest opinions about this. Where did it trip you up? What could be cut? Did it leave you with any overall feelings?

Peace,
A.

 

Much spoken in a few words, like a deep emotion felt or sheen by one glimps on somebody's face. Beautiful!

What does brethren means? I couldn't find the word in the dictonary. I much appreciate these poems of you, the are 'fired'.

This one makes me smile and for a second brought me back 17years ago back in the schoolbanks during the final exames. Stricking!

 

are you serious? please send me your book, i know you have one. this stuff needs to be shared. i don't know how you do it.

 

HAHA! Thanks Horace. I'm still not happy with this one. It needs to be fleshed out a little more, and I'm trying to convert it to a metric poem...but here's the latest version anyway.


The Harvest
The buffalo's bell clangs hollow
as he wallows in the muddied ditch
beyond the wooden fence. Dark farmers stoop
and shave the bearded slopes, spines curve
like question marks. Their sickles scar
the terraced fields, shimmer in the sun,
while the school-bell echoes distant.

 

from the first line thru "beyond wooden fence..." i can tell, i think, you've worked it into a meter

if not, it's just the way i hear it i guess

however, meter aside, i really like this. it feels very, "The Harvest"-y

bell, hollow, wallow, muddied ditch, beyond, dark, stoop, sickles scare, echoes distant

all those words make me feel it has a very sepia tone, which is the only way i can think to describe it

it all sounds great, each line feels and sounds perfectly crafted

it's very short, and very much just a snapshot of sensory details

but with just those details you get all the emotion, from the choice of words and the way they sound, to the lines their put in

really, it's almost as if just this little bit of "environment" or "scene" is enough to be whole

so i'd really like to see how this comes out "fleshed out"

 

Well done!

Quite a rich tapestry of feeling you have offered in this thread.

I love the expansive environment within 'The Harvest' and am looking forward to hearing more.

 

and found this delicious poem!

the only place I stumbled was on the word "golden"... the sudden brightness after the muddied darkness threw me off... or perhaps it was the hard "g" for that specific adjective. I don't have a suggestion... perhaps actually using the noun of what causes them to be golden... what are they cutting down? Perhaps taking off that adjective too? It might work...

As for what to take off...try taking off "while" in the last line and you might take off "as" in the second line... I use punctuation a lot, so I would probably have put a semi-colon after "sun" to separate it and slow it down before the last line is read...

As for feeling, this is a true jewel of a poem. You feel the connection with the earth/life and the school in the distance... a feeling of life/work happening... the struggle, darkness/hardship of being in the field... and not in school, or perhaps with children in that school. Very powerful and lovely.

 

I like the title, but you know me... I cut, cut, cut... I would just use "Harvest".... I liked earlier version... but slopes and fields switched is good... try just dropping the adjectives. Bearded with same line as "shave" doesn't work for me... too cutesy. I like terraced... it's original but it does one thing in my head... instead of a simple field, I suddenly see something broad and large... commercial even... the buffalo in a muddied ditch next to a huge terraced field took something away from the connection for me...

this is a jewel Red! I liked it very much... and especially I like that it got me excited to start writing more... I've been on a serious hiatus. I hope it's over. Later sir!

 

Thanks everybody for your comments and insights. They are invaluable.

 

Tabloids

My sister’s rape was sold
on Sunday; parsons stained her
with coffee cups. Lawyers
polished Jags with her fate.
______________________________________________________


Needless to say, comments and critique is more than welcome.
Thanks,
A.

 

What a great day for me... come to Hip Forums (it's been a long time) and see your excellent little hard-ass poem. Loved It. I'm glad to see you are still at it. I've been reading/studying others stuff and not writing much. Some, but not enough.

 

A metric poem would be powerful. I think 'The Harvest' is my favorite due to its expansive and evocative language which is almost taoist in its solid observational simplicity.

 

The Wedding

Shadows pranced madly in candlelight;
the uilleann pipes flooded the room. With whiskey
and water and warm pints of porter,
the revellers toasted the groom.

_____________________________________________________

This came from a writing exercise on another forum. I'm thinking of extending it. Thoughts?