To cheat or not to cheat..

Oh, please. Crime of conscience? So he's doing something wrong even before doing it. And the fact he didn't do it isn't love at all, right?

You're too funny. That's straight out of a Catholic confessional booth. "Father, I beg your forgiveness for I have impure thoughts."

 

I have to agree with Cherea here..that does come from the Catholic playbook.

We all have impure thoughts, there's the confession.

And on a religious tangent, the fact that the Op worked out his problem in his head means that thought and decision cancels out the impure thought.

He's good to go.

 

@ Cherea and Monk

I see what you guys are saying. In fact, I read my previous post and now I can see I hadn't been clear enough. Now, that post was not in any way about Catholicism, or any religion for that matter. I'm not even religious myself. My intention was purely to point out that, from an ethical standpoint, there was something alarming about the way the OP perceived the whole matter.

We all have impure thoughts, and we're perfectly allowed to. You're right, and I agree 100%. My intention was not to imply that any thought crime type attitude be advocated here. It really wasn't, even though it might have ended up seeming otherwise. I merely thought something was wrong with this whole picture the OP had introduced on this thread. He basically said he absolutely loved her, and that he would even consider marrying her. That's a HUGE commitment, right? Am I wrong?

But then he said something to the effect of, he was really bothered by the fact that his girlfriend had more previous partners than he, and that trying to talk about it with her would result in arguments. And therefore he was contemplating on CHEATING. To deal with his own insecurities. I mean, after THREE YEARS of being in a relationship with this girl, who he supposedly loves so much and even considers marrying, and this is STILL an ongoing issue?

What's wrong with this picture? Am I the only one that thinks that this matter has more to do with his selfish need to boost his own ego than anything else? He appeared pretty proud when he said he ABSOLUTELY loved her, and yet he's totally hung up on her past? Really? So that means he hasn't accepted her as a whole, doesn't it? And he can't talk to her about this problem without getting in fights with her which may suggest two other things: one, communicational problem, and two, trust issues.

THEN he said he was contemplating on CHEATING. Okay, here's the thing; one can THINK about cheating on one's partner while fully knowing that one would never do it. No problem. One can fantasize about those other than one's partner while fully knowing that fantasies are just fantasies and one intends never to make them reality. No problem. But what the OP said was different. It was clear from his initial post that he was CONSIDERING cheating on the girl who he said he "absolutely loved" and "would certainly consider for marriage". And cheating for the sake of what? To save his relationship with the girl? In the name of "love"? I mean, HOW? Am I the only one that thinks the reason why he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend was because his poor ego was so bruised up and couldn't handle the fact that SHE WAS MORE EXPERIENCED THAN HE WAS? I'm not saying he doesn't love her. I'm sure he does. But his ego and insecurities seem to be getting in the way of his fully appreciating this relationship in my opinion.

What I was trying to get at in my previous post wasn't anything religious at all. It was about how one perceives commitment and how one actually makes such a commitment. There is no denying that the OP WAS considering CHEATING. Fully knowing that it would be behind his partner's back, fully knowing that it would be CHEATING. In my book, this is different than merely THINKING about people other than your partner, or FANTASIZING about whoever. This is much more specific and deliberate in that one's devotion toward another is questioned. He wasn't talking about "oh, I'm fantasizing about cheating on my girlfriend but I'd never do that for real 'cause I love her and I'm committed to her". He was thinking about actually DOING the cheating. To satisfy his own ego. There was even a presence of another woman who, according to the OP himself, was willing to make her own contribution, should he choose to cheat. And he was actually torn on the subject, it was like a mental struggle for him. Read his initial post.

Is he really good to go now that he decided not to cheat? IF he can actually deal with his insecurities and accept his girlfriend as a whole, yes. Can he deal with those issues? I guess he's gotta try now, right? Do I question the reason why he decided not to cheat? Hmm, I personally AM a bit bothered by the fact that there was ZERO mention of his wonderful girlfriend in his last post stating he'd made the decision not to cheat. But I won't dwell on that, or else some people might counter it saying I'm now preaching what is, and what isn't, a good reason for coming to such a decision, lol.

 

Why wouldn't it? And that's one of the many problems I have with marriage, it creates problems where none would have existed.

So now, we've gone from a Catholic confessional booth to Hollywood romantic comedy cliches.

Dude, your psychoanalizing is not going to change the fact that dude wants to have more experience yet loves the girl. If mind games were enough, then he doesn't want it bad enough.

'Communication' isn't good enough either if you have a disagreement. You can communicate ad nauseum about something you'll never agree on and it won't change a damned thing. In fact, it will make it worse.

The all-purpose communication advice is such an easy way out for somebody who isn't actually dealing with the situation.

And...you've lost me about here. tl,dr. It seems like you're playing 'considering' vs. 'fantasizing' word games here.

Btw, what's up with all the yelling? Is that because your post was so convoluted and redundant that you wanted me to at least grasp for keywords while skimming?

And your point is? Oh, let me guess, he should sacrifice for her, right?

 

Alt_think,

listen to someone who knows a thing or two about relationships from experience (and was in a successful one, apparently with more kinky sex than yours, until he died). Much more than the relationship gurus you get your canned opinions from.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i92lYJvqZGs"]Patrice O'neal - Cheating - YouTube

 

There is a difference, he made that clear. Considering means there's a chance you're going to follow through. I've wondered what it's like to fuck the mailman, but there's not a chance in hell I would cheat.

OP should learn to fantasize happily and forget the other shit

 

Both Cherea and Alternative make good points.

I guess we'll never know because we aren't the OP.

But we've all given out two cents to this thread. Not much else we can do.

But the main unifying concept and statement about relationships that then forks into two perspectives each articulated by Cherea and Alternative is this:

Make sure you and your partner(s) are all on the same page before starting/continuing a romantic/sexual relationship.

And I think we're done here.

 

It didnt make me feel ten times worse, I think the guilt of cheating lasts about a day for most men... till they know for sure they got away with it.

I fully empathise with him, knowing your girlfriend has had loads (what is loads?) of partners was a real sickener for me but I asked, I was told and even though I knew I had no right to to feel any different I did feel different, it used to make my stomach churn and the feelingnever went away. I think some of it comes from the surprise of finding out your girlfriend has history when you assumed she didnt.

 

come on now, you really shouldn't be assuming that about partners.
and if you love the person, the guilt should last longer than a day

 

Cheating won't solve your emotional issues with the amount of sexual partners your girlfriend has had. She has had more experience than you, so what? What does this entail? It seems it's a simple man-complex, in that women are perceived to "supposed" to be more sexually innocent than her man. Perhaps think about this and ponder why you truly feel like this. Talking it out with your partner might be a good thing, but you need to seriously think for yourself here. Only YOU can know why you feel this way.
And remember, cheating won't make her past go away. It won't lessen any of your feelings and it will make you feel bad for doing a bad thing to the woman you love (?).
And speaking from an ethical/personal stand-point, cheating on someone is one of the worst things you can do. For one, it's emotionally abusive. For two, the trust will be FOREVER broken between you two. For three, just, WHY?!
If you want to cheat, here's my simple statement: Don't. Break up with your girlfriend, she deserves better than this.

 

Ah! Perfect safety...Must be nice. Good for you.

The rest of us lowly mortals are not so accurate calculating cheating odds. We just sort of stick to whether we actually do it or not.

 

I agree, I think this thread might take off in a different direction, should we continue having these debates about it. And I appreciate your summarizing both our points, Monk. It's interesting to note that, while Cherea and I may be experiencing differences of opinions, underneath it all we both suggest that two people romantically/sexually involved be on the same page.

@ Cherea - Just a couple of things before moving on..... First of all, I wasn't yelling, lol. If I were to try to "yell".... THEN I'D TYPE WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND I'D ALSO ADD A WHOLE BUNCH OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!! xD Yeah, that would be yelling for me, lol. But in my reply to you, I was using capital letters merely to EMPHASIZE on the things I thought were important(just like I did right there), that's all I was trying to do.

Second, you got me! Well, almost. I personally refer to it as "Disney romantic comedy cliche", lol. That's just me, that's the way I'm made. I can't help being an idealist especially when it comes to love. I know I'm unrealistic and naive, even inexperienced, but apparently a guy like me still finds himself in a happy relationship. I understand everyone is different but I just don't believe it would hurt to share with others that, sometimes, it's alright to yearn for a fairytale-like love. Because sometimes, it DOES become reality.

 

Fake it till you make it?

That's tantamount to saying religion makes one happier because it makes people believe there's life after death; or, that Santa Claus makes children happier, etc.

What's the harm, right? Well, I'm skeptical. I'd rather face facts. The thing with fairy-tales is, the midnight hour of reckoning seems to eventually toll.

I am living proof that you can absolutely be a happy man and love people with all your might, without fooling yourself.

But, I hope it keeps working out for you.

 

Ha! I was wondering when you'd edit this post.

I was just clarifying to someone who didn't apparently didn't understand the difference between the two words

No one's trying to be above anyone here, stop being so defensive towards everyone. there's no need to calculate odds. I KNOW I wouldn't cheat. If someone else doesn't KNOW that, that's their bad.

 

A million people say that every single day, sweetheart.

I don't care what you say you know, nor do I have any reason to believe you. If KNOW was enough, the divorce and infidelity rates wouldn't be so high.

That's why I defend that the proof of the pudding is in the eating. And so far, you're no better than OP. Sorry, your high and mighty faithfuler-than-thou has no pull.

I KNOW how desperate you are for being better than him.

 

Well, someone's being rude. Like I said, no one's above anyone here. Funny thing here is you can't take away from me the fact that I KNOW I wouldn't cheat. I'm not better than someone for it, I just know my own fucking boundaries. Knowing not to cheat and not cheating is REALLY not hard.

My apologies if your sad little life doesn't accommodate that.

 

Sorry if I'm not willing to give you, a complete stranger on the internet, any more benefit of the doubt than the OP. It seems you're every bit as skeptical as I am.

Money talks, bullshit walks.

 

Difference between me and OP is that I didn't consider cheating... I don't think I'm nearly as skeptical as you. I see this issue as very black and white.
You strike me as the person wondering who's following you every time you look out the window.

 

Big whoop! I once had a thought about sticking bananas up my nostrils to see if I died too.

Dang, your psychobabble got me pegged! Except it didn't.

 

A resounding no!

Cheating, under any circumstances, isn't good.
You said it yourself to begin with that you love them. That's something that is hard to find, so cherish the fact that you have someone you love and someone that loves you.