Too Much To Ask?

If that's your minimum standard for sharing a house and a bank account with somebody, well...that's your business. I wouldn't do it. Living by myself wasn't that bad.

 

This :iagree: except his actions should show you he deserves the key.

 

I say find a broad with less issues.

 

yeah, but how do you become a true lover/friend in the first place with someone who is constantly hiding behind a wall?

 

A real man would say "What ratio of sand/cement did you use? That is lousy trowelwork"

 

I think there comes a time in most peoples lives where they would rather not have the drama or the unresolved baggage in their lives. Hopefully that coincides with having a relationship with someone who is also healthy and at the same point in their life.

 

Sharing my life with someone without any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations is amazing. Who wants to spend their time telling someone else what they should and shouldn't be doing to be deserving of affection? I ask for fidelity, general honesty and shared enjoyment with someone whose personality I absolutely adore, and it's working out perfectly. Imaginary walls sound like bullshit mind games to me which should have been scrapped during the teenage years.

And yeah, we've shared a house for years. Sometimes we have tiffs about where the spoons should be kept. Maybe it's because he doesn't respect me as the gorgeous woman I am and isn't willing to climb my turret of spoony compromise like a real man would.

 

The past is the past, if everyone held on to it that tightly then the world would be even worse than it is now. I've had a pretty shitty past, no point building a wall in my opinion as every experience is different and you learn and gain from them all, good or bad. If you build a wall to block out all the bad stuff then how will you ever get over it?

Or..invest in a ladder.

 

No no no. But a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal man, would say:

"Avast you scurvy scum! Walk the plank!"

 

By consistently showing them, over some reasonable period of time, that you aren't a jerk, asshole, liar, manipulator, user, etc. It takes a while to earn someone's trust, unless they are so young and naive that they are quick to trust everyone.

The brick wall analogy is probably too extreme, in most cases. It's really just a matter of being smart and knowing what the world is like. Nobody wants to make the same mistakes over and over. It's human nature that you learn something from every bad experience. Those who have had the worst experiences tend to be the most skeptical of others.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You're trying too hard to start an argument. I've said almost nothing about my expectations or how I handle serious relationships, but you've already decided that you don't like any of it, based on one comment. If this is what your man has to deal with...

 

That made me laugh, Puggy ... but the site won't let me rep you for it :mickey:

 

yeah, but my point is basically that if they're so busy hiding behind a metaphorical wall, then they probably haven't given you any real reason to want to spend time consistently doing anything to earn their trust.

i suppose it depends on how extreme their wall is.

 

Exactly. Some people are at the point of needing professional psychological help, while others have just lost their child-like innocence. Most of us are somewhere between the two extremes.

 

A real woman will know I'm not there ex.

 

everyone, man or woman, who has ever been hurt in a relationship puts up walls to a certain extent. The trick for the person putting up walls is to recognize that the wall is a flaw. Flaws are okay, everyone has them. But its bullshit to put your walls up on some kind of pedestal and expect someone to climb over them.

And the person on the other side of the relationship also has to accept their partner's flaws but at the same time I see no point in catering to someone's bullshit. My boyfriend and I poke fun of each other's bullshit. I put up walls, I'll admit it. I was in a bad relationship for years and now I'm in a good one and I still have some residual trust issues. Its just part of who I am and my boyfriend accepts that but he doesn't show up like some knight in shining armor trying to rescue me from my walled castle. He makes fun of me and he calls me on my bs. I do the same to him. Not everything has to be some huge serious drama. Soemtimes we just need to laugh at our walls and our flaws.

 

Gah, that's the second time in two days I've done that. The image on the page never seems as large as the image when you link to it! Sorry.

 

Okay, so you don't like the wall analogy. No big deal. What analogy or term would you use for a healthy and normal amount of skepticism about the sincerity of someone who is new to you? Obviously, adults can't go through life instantly trusting everyone who wants us to trust them. That would be a disaster.

 

The analogy is fine, I just think it's wrong to put your baggage on someone else then expect them to figure it out.

A healthy amount of skepticism is fine but when you get to the point where you really want to pursue a relationship it's only fair to give them the benefit of the doubt. If you constantly feel like you have to be on your guard with someone maybe it's best not to pursue anything serious.

I've dated guys that have put up major walls and honestly I just find it tedious and annoying. I just felt like if they really thought I was worth it they would break down their own walls for me.

 

I agree that what you put into something is usually exactly what you get out of it. I tend to be rather like an old dog in that I do not give up very easily and if I make a commitment I am not adverse to doing the necessary work to make it work for everyone.

The problem is that often people get into a rut and do not care to leave the comfort zone that they create and wish to wallow in it. One person can not make something work and if the other party does not wish for change it is not going to happen. People get comfortable with their emotional baggage.

To stay in a relationship where someone is so comfortable in their own emotional turmoil that it makes the other party uncomfortable is not healthy for either party and usually the one who does want it to work out by doing the work then also has to make a decision on what fits for them. You can really care about someone and know that continuing to stay together is the wrong thing to do.

It is sad when that happens but it does happen. There is compromise and then there is self betrayal or denial of what is important to live life to the fullest, even if that is without someone. That will cause any relationship to wither to the point of not even liking someone anymore.

Sometimes it is better to end things while there is still a feeling of wishing the best for another even though you will not be together anymore.