Where Do I Fit In?

FF, honestly, in all sincerity- fuck'em. Every damned one of them. Don't concern yourself with who accepts you. Accept yourself as yourself and just be yourself. Fuck everyone else. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You don't have to live with them.

Just be yourself and don't let nobody interfere.

 

Geez, is there an american that doesnt have at least three the-world-doesnt-hand-everything-to-me anxiety disorders?

 

Nope, we're all entitled little shits. That's what I'm concerned with: not having everything handed to me. That's why I left a secure relationship to live paycheck to paycheck in a cracker box on the outskirts of the city with no family near me for a safety net. It's because I want everything handed to me.

Honestly, where in what I've said did you find evidence that entitlement is the basis of my anxiety disorder? I'm puzzled. Spell it out for me.

Just for a little background, I wrote the original post when I was recovering from the aftermath of a narcissistic abusive relationship. Through therapy and a shit-ton of soul-searching, I've started to find myself again. I'm back with my old group of friends where I feel I belong again and I'm looking in the right places for people with similar interests to mine without worrying about labels too much. The man I was with prior to this infiltrated my life at a critically vulnerable and unstable point in my life and spun my sense of reality, effectively molding me into whatever he wanted and suppressing anything he did not like. I was too fucked up at the time to notice, but the way back has been a struggle to find peace, because quite simply, I feel like a complete moron that I was so naive and took so many things for granted. I take responsibility for all of it. I have no illusions that the world owes me anything. But I'll be damned if I'm not going to be honest with myself about my feelings and voice them when I need to. Sometimes I'm really mixed up. And then I come here, lol (among other places of course-this isn't my only option, but it's nice to discuss things with strangers sometimes).

 

From what you told me though sounds like the girl after you was a lot more homemaker-y, less assertive, easier to manage

Women are supposed to be the weaker sex, but all the guys seem to be intimidated by even a small amount of assertiveness

Half a century of improvements in womens lib, but you still just want a husband, a manly one anyway, and you still need to get familiar with the laundry and the kitchen, wear pretty dresses and not talk back to him in front of people

You are a girl that wants a mans man, you can try for one of those, sensitive stay at home dads, but that will just piss you off



You dont have any bullshit disorders, and you know that

No you havent started to find yourself again, no one ever really knows anyone, no one every really knows themselves. You are never really going to know what you want. You dont have even know what 'finding yourself' even means

You want a hunk of man love, that knows how to treat a girl bad, a girl that will cook and clean for him becuase she's afraid he will leave her if she doesnt

 

This is the same guy that wants you to meet his new GF, and he's "so happy" with her?

If he's as bad a manipulator as you describe, I would recommend cutting him out of your life completely. People like this tend to keep their hooks in you until they are forced not to. Your therapist may agree.

 

So you're basically saying that I need to conform to/settle for a stereotype or I'm going to die alone. What happened to you to make you think people were so 2-dimensional? And I have had severe anxiety, intermittent depression and dissociative episodes since I was 11. Don't tell me I don't have a mental illness because you have no idea. I had to listen to my mother tell me there was nothing wrong with me and refuse to take me to treatment for 23 years before I finally had the means to take myself. You make some good points sometimes, but right now, you look extremely ignorant.

People change. He was in a very very dark place, as was I. I've elected to give him another chance, especially since I'm finally past the point of being hung up on him, so I'm looking through rose-colored glasses anymore and I can see him for who he really is: a deeply flawed individual that has been failed by every person in his life. I don't take his shit on me anymore and I tell him when he crosses the line. No one else has ever taken the time. They've just walked away. I don't do that with people, especially when I can see how hard they're trying. He's not hurting me anymore. He's not abusing me. There's no reason to punish him anymore. Believe me, I've done my share. Like I said, they were dark days for both of us.

 

10 years from now, you'll be posting from where? ..... The kitchen...wearing an apron with little flower patterns, baking cupcakes for one of the kids lame everyone-gets-a-medal-for-losing-just-in-case-thats-what-turns-you-into-a-methhead-later-in-life sports day

 

Are the claws out, kitty? Did I strike a nerve?

Just because I want to find like-minded people to relate to (a basic human need) doesn't mean what you've illustrated above is what I want. Even if I did, I'm not sure what's wrong with the picture you've painted there. Some people are happy to have that life. How about you stop shaming people who just want to be happy?

Thank you. People like you make me realize that I am not so bitter and jaded as I thought I was.

 

From 2 different threads of you he was busy in as well:

We tried to warn you, Firefly!

 

Was trying to be scary

You must conform, turn into your mother ahhhhh!

I do hate the every one gets a ribbon no matter who loses kids sports day thing though, thats retarded

 

My mom wishes she had that life, lol. She was never so lucky. I don't know if I could be happy with that life, but I have no idea, really. I'm seeing people that said they would never settle down start to do so, though and they seem to be happy, so who am I to knock it just because it might not be for me? Yeah, they're selling out, but that's not my problem. The world is more complicated than that. People need to follow their bliss and shit. I don't care as long as they aren't hurting anyone. No it's not cool or exciting, but I mean... how many of my friends, myself included, were ever "cool kids" to begin with? It's exhausting being cool. It's exhausting being relevant. When you grow up, you realize how childish "it's better to burn out than to fade away" really is. Why is it uncool to be happy?



Asmo, I know you did, lol. I knew I would eat my words eventually. I really love to argue, though. Give me a reason to defend my position. Maybe I'll figure shit out when I get mad. I'll try anything!

 

If you haven't noticed the world is insane, everyone is living a life of self destruction in one way or another, why would you want to fit in to this madness. You need to learn the art of transformation and go very deep into your aloneness, if you achieve this you'll never suffer from loneliness again.