where to turn?

((((hugs)))))
I've had that happen lots. When I lived 2 hours away from my dad, he would complain that I never came to visit, when we just didn't have the gas money. We lived in that apartment for 2 years and he never once saw it. I would call and invite him numourous times after he started to complain that I never invited him (figured it was obvious that he could pop by, with some notice, anytime he wanted), but he'd always make up an excuse.
Parents suck sometimes. The best "soul searching" thing I've done lately is to stand up to them. I used to get all flustered and nervous and crawing inot a ball when my dad accused me of never wanting to see him, but now I tell him, "look, I invited you more times than I can count. I didn't have the money to get up to the city, but I still told you I'd like to see you. If you think that I didn't want to see you, you're wrong. You had the opertunity tons of times and didn't take it." My dad is classic for blaming things on other people, and it didn't really sink into his head, but I personally felt 100 000 000 000 times better.
True friends are hard to find. I've always remembered this: if you have made it through life with 3 friends, one being your SO, you're one of the richest people in the world. Even 2 is a huge achievment!
I still have yet to find a true friend. I don't trust anyone. High school was tough for me, it was just a huge tangle of backstabbing and lies and I'm just downright afraid now.
But we're both still young with lots of life to live. I find some comfot in that.

 

This is going to sound so silly, but honestly, I come here if I can't talk to either my boyfriend or my sister. Not just here, but sometimes other forums (except this is the only forum I actually post in). Most people here give good advice and when they don't they either make me laugh my ass off, or they make me argue a point and forget completely about my problems.

Sometimes I can't talk to my boyfriend about things because he just doesn't understand why I don't "fix" everything. Some things just can't be fixed. And my sister is busy these days trying to pass one of the 4 cpa exams she has to take. My mom is a lunatic and I wouldn't tell her anything about my personal life.

 

i just come here to find peace in myself and to see how peaceful everyone is and how happy everyone is. Sometimes it can be rocky but thats how life goes. i try to give my best points if someone has their down falls but it all depends on how they take it and how they are feeling as well as mentally focussing on how i say it not what i say . I say things with a heart of gold not snappiness.

Just thought i'd post.
TC guys
Peace

 

lol, i don't know why this didn't occur to me. If I can't talk to anyone around me, I come on here and usually get lots of support!

 

I agree, I come here a lot, because the people on here are extremely supportive, and intelligent... Because the people on here seem to be more thoughtful and intuitive than most of the people I talk to in my outside life, I usually get really good advice and ideas.

Whenever I feel a little lost on something, I usually get some really great suggestions here.

And this is the only messageboard I have ever visited that I didn't grow tired of.

 

just wanted to say that i have gone through years of self loathing..ive had very bad acne since i was 10...plus th e chest of a twelve year old boy..i know lots of poeple have been picked on in their lives but when it happens to you it can feel like your the only one in th eworld. i also have had problems with loving my personality although i know im a good person. ive just always had a great disatisfaction with life and i tend to be hard on myself. i guess i just wanted you to know your not alone, as corny as it sounds although im still having many problems i have faith i can overcome these feelings, and faith for you as well pm me if you ever wanan talk

 

This is exactly me and how i feel every day. It's good to know i'm not alone when i feel like this because it always seems like everyone around me is sailing by just fine.

 

I think some of this really depends on whether you are having trouble loving your physical self or your inner self. Some people may dislike their physical self because there is a deeper dissatisfaction with who they are as a whole, but sometimes it is just physical.

Lucy, if it's simply just physical I think that's easier to work with than the ladder. I've experienced both, and I always find myself more quickly recovering from the poor body image and what not more than I do from inner dissatisfactions. The poor body image does keep reocurring though, and I feel a lot of it has to do with what you are surrounding yourself with and the like.

From what I've seen in your recent posts it seems as if you aren't surrounding yourself with much of anyone [besides your boyfriend, which IS good because I'm sure he's a great support] but you need other people in your life too. Try joining local organizations or volunteer groups and maybe you will make some close friends.

If your problem is so intense that you are finding trouble in making friends because you are near social anxiety or feel "unworthy" or "intimidated" then this is something you MIGHT have to speak with a counselor with. I've exerpienced this AS WELL, and found ways on my own to get over it, but some people can't.

You need people you can trust and count on besides your boyfriend, because one person cannot understand everything. I go to my fiancee with MOST of my stuff, but sometimes my problem just are more cut out for a girl's support, or maybe even just someone else who has experienced it too, male or female.

In my opinion, part of your problem might be that you don't have enough people around right now. Even the most independent people can become lonesome, and lonliness can create an array of other problems.

You are a very intelligent girl, and I really believe this is something that will pass, but I realize that doesn't help right now and it sucks in the now.

PM me if you want to talk more... I know that you don't know me, and all that, but I support you.

 

I think it's both. I beat myself up continuously over what i can and can't do and even more for not trying hard enough. I get mad, MAD, about my sewing and my lack of talent when i surf the web and see other peoples levels of skill. Even though i know in my head that i'm just not there yet, all i need is time....i get furious with myself. It brought me to tears last night i felt so horrible. Like, why am i even trying???? I have this problem where i can't deal with something if it doesn't come to me right away.

The physical thing has absolutely gone to shit. I used to love the way i look. I used to get compliments and the like all the time. I do still sometimes, but not like before and sure maybe it's not because i'm ugly, but i certainly feel like it is. It's like, in my mind i know i'm attractive, but in my heart i don't feel like i am. Not just becuase i don't get compliments, but just because i don't like myself.

i'm doing okay,i mean i work with alot of really cool people, there's just no time for outside hang out time because they live 35 mins away from me, and i have a lot going on right now, as do they. Now what sucks is i have to find a new job, closer to home and im going to lose out on the progress i've made with some really great people at work. And you know, i always think about PMing people on here who say 'pm me if you want to talk' but my mind is saying 'what the fuck, these people dont want to here about your problems, you're not worth it'. I want to talk to someone so bad, but i just don't feel as though my problesm are important enough. Which is what's stopping me from seeking professional help.

it's true that a lot of it has to do with the physical thing (though i know it's a major subissue of just my entire lack of self worth)......i constantly loath myself several times a day. Anytime i pass a mirror,window reflexion, everything stops around me and ican only hear thoughts in my head saying 'lose weight' or 'your hair is gross' or 'UGH those fucking pimples!' it's not helping me at all that i'm having severe back problems and knee and wrist pain. I'm in a constant state of pain 24/7 and it's taking a huge tole on how i feel about myself. I feel like i'm aging tremendously over night or something.

i do always feel unworthy of everything that's given to me and when i first moved to Waterloo and started my new job, it was affecting my social skills, but it seems now that i'm over that "newbie" hump atwork, i'm getting over it. I still feel unworthy and useless, but it's not stopping me from making friends. What's difficult for me is that it takes time to become very close with someone knew, especially the older you get. and ESPECIALLY given the bullshit i have been put through....i mean all of my best friends have betrayed me in the worst possible ways, sending porno shots of themselves to my boyfriends, fucking my boyfriends, kissing my boyfriends.....etc etc...and trust me there's LOTS more. I cannot trust a single person as a friend because i know i will only be let down. I had a best friend when i moved here, but no matter how hard i try, she just isn't there. I doint know what happened and i'm feeling a super huge loss. Like, i don't know how i can ever trust anyone ever again??? It's never there, i dont eve know what it's like anymore. I've been hurt far too much over and over by people who said they'd never do what the previous had done....and nonetheless there they are, in the exact same pile as the shit faces before them. Alot of this has to do with one of my ex boyfriends because that was the last and final straw. I couldn't believe the lies and the pain from someone i did so much for. I always said it was karma, because i know all to well that i've screwed a couple of guys over in the past, but i mean, come on......enough is enough. No one deserves this. I'm a good person and i want to feel like a good person. FUCK i could burst into tears right this very second.

And now i'm just angry with myself for even posting this......i feel pathetic.

 

Lucy, I have seen the clothes you make, and I know this probably won't mean anything because you are your own worst critic, but they are AMAZING. I would so buy like everything you make. I wish I had that sort of talent... I can't sew a straight line without sewing my finger into the project, lol.

But that's a bit off topic... I know how this feels a lot, because I'm an artist, and everytime I come on here and see like ashers work and what not I feel like "God I am so horrible... my art will NEVER be that good... why do I even paint, when nothing ever turns out half that nicely" I never feel like it turns out the way I see it in my head, and I get absolutely furious about it. It's really difficult, because I love it so much, but at the same time I'm never pleased with anything I produce.

However, just in terms of things like that, I think that is fairly normal... when you're into any type of art or craft, I think sometimes it's really easy to get critical of your work, especially if you are already the type of person who is self critical with other things, as you seem like you are. Unfortunately I don't think there's a whole lot you can do about that type of problem... Everyone I've ever known who is into some type of art seems to be that way.

I am so much like this it's unreal, so I totally empathize. I burst out into tears if I have this amazing idea in my head, I do it, and it turns out half-assed... or like you, if I want to paint, and I don't have any ideas... I start like, grinding my teeth about it. My boyfriend gets so annoyed by it, because he thinks I am really good, and I just can't take a compliment because I usually always end up hating the finished product.

This makes me so sad, because not only do I know how you feel, but I know that there isn't a whole lot I can say to make you feel any differently....

But, is it okay if I ask you--- do you actually not like yourself, or do you think you just don't give yourself enough credit and it begins to wear on you? Or maybe the biggest thing is, you might not like the fact that you can't give yourself ample credit...that's enough to make anyone feel bad.

I have this thing where, I know I like myself, but I often feel like I don't because, I just can't ever cut myself some slack. I'm always feeling like I could do this or that better, or I could look better, etc. And I get frustrated when something is out of my control like say...when I break out in a pile of zits because I'm PMSing, all the face wash in the world won't save me, and it makes me more angry that there is nothing I can do about it. I get angry about the physical things that I cannot change, like my body frame [I don't mean my weight, I mean my actual structure, height and all that] When I'm dissatisfied with my hair or face, I can easily do something to make myself feel better, but when it comes to things I can't change I get upset.

I feel like it's the control freak in me... I have difficulty accepting things that are out of my control. I am not suggesting this is your problem, but I'm saying it, because if you can relate at all maybe it will help???

What's weird is, I usually am very uncomfortable when people compliment me, I don't know how to react. But if people don't compliment me I feel like I must look hideous or something is wrong. It's annoying.

Also, lucy, maybe one of the reasons people aren't complimenting you as often is because of the way you are carrying yourself... like if you're feeling really down on yourself, I think that really shows on the outside. I always notice I get far more compliments when I, myself, feel good about how I look, or who I am as a person. When I'm down on myself, people don't say as much,and I think it's because it shows.

I feel like I'm talking to my long lost twin or something.
But the one thing you have to remember is, there is nothing that makes you any less equal than anyone else, so why should you feel that your problems are any less?
And, if say, a certain person you would go to with how you feel if you felt comfortable with it... say that person had something to vent to you about, you would listen wouldn't you? So why shouldn't you be able to as well?
Feelings are a difficult thing for people to talk about, because we have to take our guard down to do it and it makes us really vunerable. It's really difficult to let someone see the real you, especially if you're not particularly pleased with yourself at the moment.

I feel that no one's problems are more serious than the next person's...and we all deal with things differently.

'Course, this is all way easier said than done. As I write this, I know all of this to be true, but that doesn't help me much to talk when I need to either.

And I feel like a lot of it is, when I look at others there is always something better or bigger about them than there is with me... I always belittle myself and my problems in comparison to others. When I relapsed into my eating disorder I felt that it would be silly of me to get help because I was convinced I was not worth the therapists time considering the hundreds of other girls that probably have it far worse than I do.

It was a retarded way of me to think, because as long as you're feeling badly, your problems DO matter. Whether or not this person or that person has a more difficult time, doesn't matter... everyone is just as important as the next person.

I think another part of this problem lies within the type of personalities we have. I don't know you well, but from anything I've ever read on here, and when I used to talk with you on msn, you seem like the type of person who spends far more time dedicating yourself to others, and animals, and the environment, etc... which is wonderful, but I think sometimes that leads to problems in us, because then we leave very little room to think about ourselves. And the less time you spend worrying about yourself, I think the less you will like yourself.... I'm not sure why, I've just noticed it to go hand in hand.

It pisses me off to no end that I care so much about everyone and everything in my life so much, but I can't seem to care as much about myself.

It's a gift and a curse, all in one.

That makes a ton of sense to me... if your health is crap, it's much easier to feel bad about yourself. Your body and mind are one, and when one fails, the other tends to as well.

They are exclusive to each other... Like, someone who gets sick, tends to become depressed or feel bad about themselves, or something in their life, and one who initially feels depressed, usually suffers physical consequences as well.

Is there any sort of physical therapy you could go through to get your joints up to better health? If there is anything you can do for your pain, it MIGHT help a lot with your mental health as well.

Having physical problems can make it really difficult to enjoy life, and that destroys your overall mood. If I were you, I would talk to a doctor and find out if there is anything you can do to improve it, at least somewhat.

It's really difficult to get over being betrayed, by anyone, anytime. I think it's one of the hardest things to ever forget and move on with.

That's another thing I can relate to. In school, I was always pretty much an outcast, and I was always teased, every single fucking day. Any guy I dated before my current beau, cheated on me, and I even dated a guy who physically abused me and raped me....and to this day it affects my relationship. Luckily my man is very understanding so it doesn't hurt our relationship per se, but it hurts me, because I want to forget those things, but I cant.

Even though i know I can trust him, I usually never allow myself to trust anyone 100% because I feel like it will just set me up to get hurt. This often hurts the people I care about... not being trusted feels like shit when you care about someone, and I feel terrible that I make people feel badly by not being able to trust them.

But the one thing that does make me feel better lots of times is reminding myself that not only is this person different from said person that hurt me inthe past, and that I should not compare the two...but also to remind myself that I have learned, and need to give myself enough credit for being smart enough to find people that are true.

The fact that you have been hurt so badly could be a big part of why you are down on yourself. It's easy to blame yourself for things that have happened, and it can destroy your self worth. Just the fact that you mentioned karma is not healthy, because, no one deserves to be mistreated that way, no matter what you have done... I realize you see that enough is enough, but you shouldn't be blaming yourself for anything in the first place.

Everyone makes mistakes, and misunderstandings between people will always occur because we're only human... you cannot afford to be so hard on yourself.

And god do I feel like a hypocrite, lol.

You should not feel pathetic though...you're a human, you have feelings, and sometimes you're going to feel like shit.. there is nothing wrong with that, and nothign to feel ashamed of. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to express how you feel, because you fucking deserve that right. The more you give yourself the right to be happy, the more others will give you the right to be happy.

And if you absolutely cannot talk to anyone, definitely write about how you feel as often as you need to, or as soon as possible. You need to outlet this somehow even if it's not through the comfort of another person... I know with a working schedule its hard to make time for yourself that way, but then do it when you get home...just take a couple minutes, doesnt have to be anything long or even significant... its good to write down anything you've felt that day, important or not, because it helps your brain to process the stimulants you've encountered throughout the day, release the stress, and come to a more organized approach of dealing with it.

If that makes any sense. You don't have to be an excellent novelist to write in a journal...just be you, and write how you feel, even if its as silly as "I lost my keys this morning and it made me really frustrated"

 

I don't have too too much to say, since I feel the same way as you so much of the time.
As for your sewing talents, girl, you're awsome. That last skirt that you made and posted, the green one with the funky side pannels and butterflies, it made my jaw drop! I'm going to make a new skirt now for the first time in months because it was so awsome it gave me the inspiration to get my butt back top the sewing machine! I would buy it in a second if I weren't a starving college student!
Don't compare your talents to others. You have your own style, and it's awsome. I know the feeling of comparing your stuff to everyone else's. It's like when you post something and people write back comments saying that it's nice, you're thinkin, "yeah, right." But everyone else has their own style, too. They're probably thinking the same thing about your work.
Everyone has those days where they just want to toss a brick at the sewing machine...usually I find those are the times when I'm getting a little ahead of myself and a little "over confident" and I need to take a breather and maybe stop for a while.