Why Do People Get Married?

I also don't like the idea of a big wedding. Problem with that is it seems like 99% of females want that huge overdone wedding. I'd prefer a small group on the beach or eloping.

 

I don't know when it started but I've been obsessed with the idea of eloping lately. Its been in all of my stories this year. Not the just met, lets get married kinda eloping bit just a lets do this on our own terms, why wait, spontaneous kind of thing after a serious, mature few years. I think its really romantic.

 

Yeah I've been wanting a good relationship that leads to that. But for some reason I can't even date right now/anymore

 

Have you dated a lot in the past or were you more of a serial monogamist? I've been reading a lot of different ideas about dating but for me it's hard to reconcile what I've always done (as self destructive ) versus what I should be doing. According to what I believe makes the most since I've learned that I'm just not ready to actually do what I should if I want a good relationship. Which is supposedly serial dating. Not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just saying ikwym.

 

I had a serious relationship when I was young, she broke my heart.. then I just dated, partied and stayed single for about the next 8 years. Then from 09 until a year ago I was in 3 back to back serious relationships. They just kind of happened that's never been my style not to space it out more.

Now I'm a monk. For all intents and purposes I don't even date anymore. So yeah, it'd be really nice to have something good but on the other hand I feel like I can't deal with it or something. And I am enjoying my solitude even if it gets lonely.

 

hahahaha
our native american ceremony had about 300 people and the regular church one had maybe 150

 

Oh wow. Sounds like serial monogamy. I can relate.
You're still only one year in after all that I think its smart to protect your solitude
I know I needed more than a year after my long-term relationship was over. But I guess the problem is loneliness because after awhile I went into another relationship almost blindly and I think maybe if I'd been dating around I would have known better and been less likely to put so much into one person. That's the logic anyway in support of casual dating.

 

What tribe Jo? And was the 300 thing the actual marriage ceremony? The reason I ask is I have a certain NA tradition that kinda combines a certain level of eloping with a huge celebration afterwards.

 

a small coastal nation. the 300 we're invited they did there traditional dances and then we took the floor and did our family ceremony. We are people of the potlatch.

 

What exactly do you mean by serial monogamy? I mean.. I've always been oriented toward relationships, but I've also been on plenty of dates that are spread out or don't get past 1 or 2 dates, had one night stands, fuck buddies, etc. It's just that when there is a strong connection with someone I immediately go into this mindset of wanting to be exclusive with them.

But yeah what you are saying about the loneliness thing makes perfect sense. I'm keeping myself conscious of that for sure. I think this whole thing is to step back and just analyze the whole thing. Because I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I'm not wanting to keep this trend of failed relationships up.

 

Deviate, I say serial monogamy because of this statement:
"from 09 until a year ago I was in 3 back to back serious relationships. They just kind of happened that's never been my style not to space it out more."

Also this: "It's just that when there is a strong connection with someone I immediately go into this mindset of wanting to be exclusive with them."

It just means you typically focus on one person at a time.

I'm not saying this is bad, because I can relate, although I haven't been in that many relationships and I've been single for really long periods of time, I tend to be either not connected (although there's usually a few people around me, I don't keep casual people around for long) or totally serious. It makes sense or it just feels natural, but from what I've been reading I can see why it might not be that smart.

Basically, it's the idea that you have to put the beginning of a relationship through a lot more of a test, make the person do more work, make yourself do more work, really get through the awesome feelings before you even get serious with someone. I'm not saying it's right, but it's worth a try. My friends have given me similar advice and I've been reading it all over the place, still I don't think I'm there yet. I feel like I'm going to give this idea a try, when I feel ready.