Wife has sexually shut down.

lot of good advice and feedback in this thread. The things that perplex me is she still has some sexual interest as you say she still pleases herself with the vibrator. If not for that fact I'd say that she just may have very little sexual interest at all.

So if anything that points more to it being an issue about her sexual interest in you. You mention "still finds me sexually attractive" but does she really? I mean if you guys are "connected" she finds you attractive and still alive below the waist then there is no logical reason for her not wanting to have sex with you.

You sound like a sincere guy and all so I wouldn't guess she's being mistreated or anything. In all likelihood it could just be that she's bored and in some need of some stimulation. Even if you guys are going through the motions and everything on the surface seems good she can still be asleep at the wheel and just in need of some stimulation. Raising kids does make having a sex life rather difficult and I know my wife at the end of the day would often times prefer a good nights sleep rather than me pleasing her.

It's difficult on your end of course because you still desire her and have sexual urges which are going unfulfilled and whether you realize it or not it is probably emotionally pulling you away from her cause as above posters have mentioned for guys often times the emotional closeness comes after physical fulfillment, whereas woman are completely opposite. So when you get into a rut like it can be difficult to get out of and sometimes you need a kick to jumpstart it, like a vacation or some kind of change of pace or something. good luck and just try something totally different, but that said don't do it and telegraph "I'm doing this for sex" cause she can probably spot that a mile away. Hang in there bud!!!

 

It's interesting on how many people are telling OP to end his marriage, when he clearing is looking to do that. He just wants to have a sex life with his wife and that's not an unreasonable request since they had one before.

Based on my own experience, a loss of sex drive for women can happen for a whole lot of reasons.

The first one I would suggest is physical.. hormones are just one reason. Has she had any other health issues lately? A recent pregnancy or miscarriage, a health scare, an illness, has she just recently started taking a medication for something, has she been on a diet or just started a new exercise regime? All of these can destroy your libido.

Second... emotional. Has she just recently remembered a traumatic event, one that she has buried for years and hasn't even told you about? As there been a death in the family, a new job, a move to another house, problems with the kids? Has her body changed in some way and she just doesn't feel sexy or desirable? Or in the other direction, does she feel (right or wrong) that you only pay attention to her when you want sex? Someone mentioned that women need that emotions to have sex. This is not always true, but it tends to be more in marriage than just hooking up. Does not even think of sex until you go to bed and then has a hard time getting aroused? If any of these are part of the problem (it's rarely just one thing), you need to deal with the cause and then find some solutions.

Has ignored deep dark fantasies for years and feel like time is passing her by and she is afraid to share them with you? This is actually very common. Women have been conditioned for years to deny their own sexuality and the desires and needs. Sometimes it's a simple as reading an erotic novel together or watching porn and talking about the things that get you each excited. Once she learns that you are not going to judge her for her fantasies, she might relax.

Just a few suggestions...

 

Get professional help or insist that she gets professional help.

 

I agree with Vanilla Gorilla. You are not satisfying your wife and she is tired of it. You are a selfish lover and she just decided that she isn't going to put up with that aspect of your relationship. She gets satisfaction by herself.

You have conditioned her over a period of time (years) so you have to do the work to condition her to enjoy sex with you. You say you have a good sex life yet your wife hasn't had an orgasm with you? WTF????

You need to figure out how to give her an orgasm. First you need to get her in the mood. Romance. Romance. ROMANCE. Then you need to do WHATEVER it takes to get her off. I would recommend you take care of yourself before hand. Or put it this way: If she doesn't have an orgasm, you don't get any. That should be enough incentive to make you try.

Now, I know I've been harsh but I can't believe you thought she was satisfied. I'm sure she might have said something subtle and it went right over your head because you were satisfied. You need to work WITH her to get her going. It will take time, because she is accustomed to seeing you as a selfish lover. You need to make her see that you are generous.

Good Luck and I hope everything works out.

 

My BF (and now fiancé) of 4 years and I had kind of a similar problem but it was the other way around for us. You seem like a great guy! I don't know why your wife is doing this. she is a lucky woman, that you care about her needs so much and help our around the house, help with the kids, etc...

Maybe take some time to talk things out and really ask why she isn't interested in sex with you.. it could be a libido thing (like hormonal). With us it was times of day that were sometimes an issue -- he wanted it in the morning and I am an absolute zombie in the morning. I wanted it in the evening but he was tired from work. so we kind of worked it into our weekends; but then our weekends were often busy, too. so it became kind of an infrequent thing. and I think this is hurting our relationship.

I am sorry to hear about your troubles but I guess I am coming from it from your perspective except as a female. my fiancé's problems also stem from relationship problems, things that bother him about me affect his sexual libido.. it's funny because women are supposed to be that way (not men) but none of our problems have actually decreased MY libido.

 

Ya really.. give the lady an orgasm!! For some women it takes more, others less.