will i ever trust him again?

that is completely unfair. more then enough people make mistakes and actually do learn from them. as a matter of fact, knowing that a woman will stick by you through something like that shows an incredible amount of loyalty and can be a very positive influence on a man that truly wants to mend what was broken.

 

Thank you for that dark hippy

 

It wasn't that i wasn't self confident enough, like i said, i believe in giving people a second chance(especially the one you love). Yes i have trouble trusting him right now but if i can learn to get over that, then maybe we can be happy for long, long time to come and i think it's what myself and my children deserve. If things don't work out for the best, then at least i can say i tried.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. Statistics have shown that couples who can work thru this type of situation and grow from it, have incredibally solid marriages. Yeah, it may take a while to get there, but if he is truly a good man that just screwed up royally, the work is worth it in the end. It would be unnatural for you to be able to blindly trust him again so soon, that is only going to come with time and communication.

 

Yes, except she didn't receive the loyalty she was due now did she. Most people who stay get to go through the whole experience again. If she wasn't good enough not to cheat with someone else before what makes her good enough now, becuase he got caught. Sorry, cheaters suck, the end.

 

WOW!!!!!i'm sorry i have an opinion . i have been cheated on and i did forgive him and try to grow with him and blah blah blah but for ME that didn't work.i don't seem to think life and love is black and white. i think life and love is exactly how you make it to be. i love my boyfriend very much but if he cheated on me he obviously wasn't fucking the other person and thinking how in love with me he is.so I , although very hard ,would have to say see ya later.....and move on...why would i want a cheating ass hole to remain in my life and just because i don't want him doesn't mean he couldn't be a descent father to his children.i wouldn't want my children to see the downward spiral of a relationship without trust.and duh i know that people make mistakes just like the one you have made by insinuating paranoia is governing my entire being.i am just not willing to let my husband cheat on me and say ok i 'll let is slide and forgive you and everything will be just grand.....but hey that's just me.with love comes a little thing calle fidelity and if you can't handle it don't get married...

 

if a man can't keep his dick in his pants he shouldn't be married...why if you cheat should we as women let you make your mistakes.how many mistakes does it take for a man to learn from his mistakes???????"it shows an incredible amount of loyalty" what about your loyalty as a fuckin husband???????wow look at that i'm not even a kid........

 

Sometimes loyalty has to be learned. We are not born in a vacuum...when someone enters a relationship, they bring all sorts of learned behavior from the families as well as their past. If a person has not grown up with loyalty, how does one expect them to model it in their life?
So, yeah...I stick by my originial thoughts. For every cheating asshole who is out there that does it JUST to do it, there ARE people (both men AND women) who make stupid mistakes and DO have the ability to learn and to grow from them.

"If she wasn't good enough not to cheat with someone else before what makes her good enough now, becuase he got caught. " <<<<<<<That statement makes it sound as if the person who was cheated on is at fault, when in fact, its not a matter of the person not being "good enough" or whatever for the other person. Infidelity is seldom about the person who is cheated on, it is centered around a deficiency in the person DOING the cheating. A cheater who realizes that it is in THEM and not the other person, and has the humility to learn what is in them that has caused them to do the things they have done, well, that is a person worth investing time in. A person who places the blame on the victim in the affair,brushes it under the carpet, and refuses to learn from the situation...the only thing they are worth is a speedy trip to the divorce lawyer.

 

Man I would love to see those statistics.

 

If my wife would have done that to me she would have been outta the house the next day and I would have filed a divorce the day after that.

I am the kind of person that can forgive but never forget... I would never look @ my partner the same way again and it would just end up in something that it's not healty.

I am not telling u it's the right thing to do, that is just what I would do.

 

WOW..... you could cut the tension in here whith a knife...lol
Ok
The whole reason i posted this was to see if it is possible to trust again and if things can work out. Reading some of these, i now realise that sometimes it IS possible and sometimes not. So i figure that if we are strong enough then maybe it can happen for us.
Before anyone thinks it, i'm not looking for people to tell me that, everything is going to be fine and he'll never do it again, i don't mind the tough love approach (i know you don't love me, but you know what i mean)...lol, but some things siad (weather meant that way or not) seemed to be quite a pesonal remark, especially about me not being good enough, (i appologise IF it was not the case).
Like i said (now) when he's at home we do get on really well, probably better than we did before this happened, it's just when he goes out the door that i start thinking bad things, and that is what i need the advice for.
IF there is any tension between us, our kids DO NOT see it,bc we won't let that happen, my kids are perfectly happy and i would not put their happiness at risk just for my husbands feelings,(don't mean to be funny about that remark, just wanted to clarify that).
A lot of you have helped me in some ways and i thank you so much for that much appreciated.

 

as far as the trusting him when he is not around thing,
the way I see it:
A) it will take time
B) it will never happen
good luck in whatever happens

 

although i have my own opinions on cheating i applaide you for trying to make it work, i still feel taht you could be setting yourself up for more pain and misery and i hope i am wrong.good lock to you and yours

 

Your worth and what someone else views your worth as, are two different things. Good luck to you. You can pretend to trust and hopefully one day you will truely trust again. The cheater always just wants to drop it and move on. The spouse wants to trust and forget, at least the first couple of times, unfortunately, it is just not that easy.

 

Ok I posted b4 to tell u what I would do but here is what I think you should do. It seems that u rly want things to work out, u're just having trouble bringing things back to normal... which is totally acceptable and common. When some1 betrays ur trust it makes a deep wound that takes time to completely heal.

If u rly want things to work out u need to look at it this way. Whatever doesn't kill ur relationship will make it stronger. You need to forgive & forget because if u keep something like that in u, you will never be happy. You will always live with insecurity & jealosy. Is that the kinda life that u want?

I know it's easy to say it but 1000 times harder to do actually do it. Be strong, keep ur head up & only keep the positive things in you

By the way, I respect that u guys keep ur issues away from ur children. A children's mind is fragile and can easily be damaged.

 

I don't agree that the cheater always wants to drop it and move on. If the person is willing to talk about it with their spouse/SO and answer their questions, allow them to voice their concerns and frustrations, then it is MUCH easier to move past the affair. It all boils down to the couples ability to communicate openly and honestly after the betrayl has occured. Cheating is NOT always about sex, no matter what you may think.

 

.[/QUOte aren't they a little late for open communication and honesty....it seems to me if they had open communication and honesty she or he could have avoided or tried to stop the infidelity.....and if cheating is not about sex than what is it about???? if your talking mental cheating that's just crazy.

LMAO. No, I am NOT talking mental cheating, in fact, im not even sure what you mean by that. Simply do some research. Just because SEX occurs when someone cheats (and it does not ALWAYS occur) that does not mean that sex was the reason for the affair. Numerous affairs occur when their is a signifigant event (stressor) in the cheater's life...for example, something like a death of a close family member, problems at work (or even success at work in some cases), the BIRTH or impending birth of a child, purchasing a house...etc....while some of these are happy events, even happy events are stressors, and can have adverse effects on the person. Often, if they are feeling overwhelmed in their life, that is when the situations leading up to cheating can occur. The person that they cheat with brings that "high" of the pursuit/chase back into their lives, gives them something else to focus on other than what they are dealing with at home, convinces them that they are the be-all-end-all, and the answer to their prayers. It's an escape, much like a drug is an escape from the every day tribulations people go through. While sex may be the CULMINATION of the relationship, it's not necessarily the underlying purpose.

As for it being to late for open and honest communication; spoken like a true pessimist. Sometimes it takes an Earth shattering event for two people to realize what they have as well as what they could have lost. Yeah, not everyone that cheats is going to turn over a new leaf..there ARE those who are just asses, and they aren't gonna care whose lives they effect. Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. But, for a person who has made a stupid, horribly bad choice and is truly sorry for it, and willing to do the WORK (because a good relationship takes work) and to face the anger,hurt and feelings of betrayl and OWN up to what they did, its NEVER too late for honesty and open communication.

 

Numerous affairs occur when their is a signifigant event (stressor) in the cheater's life...for example, something like a death of a close family member, problems at work (or even success at work in some cases), the BIRTH or impending birth of a child,

Like i said i was 4 months pregnant when this happened, and she was not planned at all, we already had a 21 month old son and an 8 month old daughter, so we were both quite worried on how we would cope with another and it did cause quite a bit of tension betweet us. I'm not saying that was the reason but that does make sense.

 

the first part of the last post was suppose to be quoted