Worst two days of my life... :(

why the hell would i adopt??..im not uncapable of having children i dont think...its just taking forever...and besides u almost have to be friggin rich to adopt a child and im not even close...so even if for some reason i cant have kids, thats not even an option for me

 

yes i am ready, no i dont blame myself, and yes u made me feel like a piece of shit

 

Several moms here have suffered pregnancy losses before going on to have their healthy, beautiful children. 15 - 20% of all pregnancies end in a loss. I know that's probably not comforting to you, but know that it is not because you did something wrong or because you are not deserving of having a baby.


You and your man are so young and healthy, there is no reason to believe you will never have a baby.
Pehaps a pregnancy loss support group near you or even online could offer you some emotional support? I totally see that you are coming from a place of desperation and depression, and maybe it would be a good thing if you got help from others who have experienced what you have just gone through. Are you journaling your feelings? Write a letter to your lost baby, say goodbye, have a ritual giving his/her little soul permission to ascend and let him/her know s/he's welcome to join you here on earth anytime.

I'm not going to tell you you should have moved on by now. This was your pregnancy and your baby, and you have every right to be angry and sad. I know you tried so hard to do everything right, and you probably feel as if it was so fucking unfair that this happened to you when crackheads and drunks and child abusers birth babies everyday. And you would be right, it's not fair. But each little soul has it's own karma and life path to follow, and each little soul chooses his/her own time to be here, and sometimes, they change their minds and choose not to come, leaving those who joyously awaited their arrival devastated.

You will always grieve the loss of your baby. That's okay. Maybe s/he will choose to come back, and you will recognize him/her the minute you hold him/her in your arms. Maybe s/he won't and you will be joined by another child who needed to be with you in this lifetime. Maybe you will need to be the parent and caretaker of a child that comes to you in a different way. Who knows? But hopefully you can find peace with your baby choosing not to be here, for whatever reason, and be able to open your heart and your womb and your life to another little soul.

But please, get some help. You deserve it.

 

ive tried everything and at this point i fel like a failure...ive tried journaling, but its just too pianful. ive tried online support also too painful. i am at a complete loss and feel horrible. i realize i could probably go on to have children its just after trying for so long and this finally happening and then boom gone makes it seem like it will never happen....its the most painful thing ive ever had to go through and i have almost zero support.

 

You're not a failure. You are a good Mama who experienced the loss of her baby. And yes, I am acknowledging you as a SISTER MOTHER, because you are, even if your baby is not here with you now. You loved your baby, and experienced the love and attachment of a mother. And you will again.

Just trust.

 

I can so hear your pain as you write. And I think it's a wonderful thing that you can write to us. I know some of the answers you've received have sounded harsh and maybe even like they were out to make you feel worse. But I'm sure these sisters are only trying to help. I have not experienced the loss of a pregnancy. I have experienced the loss of two adoptions. And the pain of those were almost more than I could bear at times. But I was able to move beyond them and risk loving another child. I'm not rich and even ended up in bankruptcy after our adoption but he is so worth the pain and everything that we went through on our journey to find him and bring him home.

I am also a grandmother who has experienced loss. Month after month my daughter would cry that she still was not pregnant. Or she would call with the joy that she was pregnant and only a few days or weeks later call to say it was over. She lost 8 pregnancies over the course of a year and a half. Until she finally was able to find out what was causing the loss and resolve the problem. Most women don't have to go through this over and over again. But for some it happens. Who knows why. All I know is you are not to blame at all. You've got to take care of yourself now so when your child finally finds her way to you, you'll be ready to care for her. And yes, I have this feeling that it's a she. Maybe because of my sweet little granddaughter who finally was able to hang on long enough to be born on Halloween Eve.

Nourish yourself and your husband. Express your pain and then put it away so you can be the wonderful mother I know you are.

Kathi

 

This is so true. Whe I was stuck in the midst of adoption hell, I was working with drug addicts and their little baby addicts who were struggling so hard to come off heroin, crack, pcp, and so many other things. To me, it just wasn't fair at all. I would see these women come back year after year with yet another addicted baby and I got so angry. Especially when shortly after we lost our first adoption, I had to take one of these women to have an abortion. As I sat there and listened to these little 13, 14, and 15 year old girls bragging about how this was their second, third, fourth abortion, I got so angry. And then I felt so bad for these little girls. They shouldn't even be in a place like that. They shouldn't know that it exists, but there they are again. I went back to work and told my boss I would never ever do something like that again.

It's not fair that those who so desparately want children have trouble having them. And those who don't want them, who can't or won't take care of them can keep popping them out.

Kathi

 

It makes me wonder if im some horrible person who is being punished by having all of their happiness drained from them

 

NO You are not some horrible person, but you have to learn to be happy with yourself and your own life first before providing for another life. I think it is very unfair to a child if all of YOUR happiness depends on it. Life is tough enough without that over your head when you come into the world. And parenting is TOUGH and going into it with such a negative attitude will not bring you the happiness you think it will. If I were you, I'd put the baby thing on hold and learn to enjoy my life and love myself.

 

YOU are the one making yourself feel like shit, Sweetdreadlover. You have been through a tough experience, and you refuse to process it. No one is asking that you forget your baby, or that you forget that you have been dealt a hard hand. With love, we ask that you look inside yourself and evaluate your true feelings and really DEAL with what has happened. Here again, we come to the same theme you have had since the departure of your child...

"It makes me wonder if im some horrible person who is being punished by having all of their happiness drained from them..."

And again I will ask... What do you think you have done in your life that is so horrible that you don't deserve the love that would have to exist in your realm if you had a child? Why would you need to be punished? Why won't you forgive yourself?

NO ONE here will tell you that you are horrible, no one here will tell you that you deserve nothing but pain, no one here will tell you that you are getting your just deserts for being a wretched human being... And yet you come here and say yourself that you are these things. You want someone to tell you that you are good, that you are worthy, that you deserve love. And you have been told, yet it isn't enough... YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT, and YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. You can come here and seek the love of others every day all day, and it will never fill the hole where your self respect belongs. Only YOU can fix that.

With babies comes the need for unconditional love... Love for that baby, and just as important, love for yourself. You will not allow yourself to accept love, and therefor you have limited your capacity to share love. Jgirl is right... It would be a terrible injustice for a child to be born into the expectation of filling a void. Everything you feel about yourself, your baby will feel ten-fold.

YOU have to be your support, Sweetdreadlover. You have to be strong for yourself. A million hands can't hold up a wall of sand... They might slow the process, but it will deteriorate eventually. To have a baby it to take on the world, and be willing to take on the world ALONE to ensure that babys happiness... And yes, that is coming from a mother, someone who gets to experience the precious love of a child. But who better to take knowledge from, than people who know just how hard it is and how much it takes to be a parent? If I didn't have love and respect for myself, I would never be able to take care of my son, and the baby inside of me. Does it seem unfair that some people can concieve only to have an abortion or give their babies away? Those people don't love or respect themselves either. "It's easy to say that when you already have a baby to love..." That just goes to prove that you think the baby is what brings the love, and that you think a baby will somehow heal what ails you. Please, for yourself and the children that may come to you in the future, be honest with yourself. Face the pain and find the reason why you can't have a baby now, be it emotional or physical or spiritual. When you find that reason and tackle it with all your might, then you'll be ready to tackle having a baby with all the might that is required of such a monumental task.

 

Don't say that, love. You are not in the boat alone, darlin. Some women have it a lot harder than you. It's not until you walk in some other woman's shoes that you see that your life isn't as bad as you make it out to be.

 

i made a mistake asking you people for advice...Brighid seems to be the only one with a shred of help for me.ill seek my help on such things elsewhere

 

Hon, I'm just gonna send you a big cosmic hug. I'm not sure that you're gonna get the answers you want here, becase maybe you're not ready to hear the REAL answers. That's ok. Take some time, mourn and process. Do what you need to do. But I believe you know that before you start trying again, you should be in the best shape you can, emotions included.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not sure exactly what you wanted to hear. Good luck to you, I hope you find what you want elsewhere. Do you have friends you could talk to?

BTW, I started trying to have a baby when i was 22. I even had 3 unsuccesful fertility treatments. My first son was born 3 months before I turned 30. I do not know how awful it must have been to lose a child, but I know what it is like to have to wait for something you want so badly. I'd cry every single day, but I did not stop living and thank goodness for that or I would not have my children now.

 

We'll be here for you when you're ready to hear what we have to say. I know this is a most painful and difficult time for you. May the pain pass quickly and may you begin to see the healing path.

Kathi

 

I'm sorry if I offended you or made you to feel that I was pushing you into moving on too quickly. That was not my intention in any way. You have every right to mourn your baby and your loss, by all means. No one should take that away from you.
But from the post you wrote about hating your life is what made me write what I did, only because I have been severly depressed, and I would talk the same way, and it just made me feel worse....like some kind of downward cycle that was spinning me further down every time I said I hated myself or my life. My post was merly to suggest that you should find some way to make yourself feel better.
We are not professionals, with the exception of brighid, just people trying to offer some advice and support. No one wants to hurt your feelings. But if you feel that we are still trying to make you feel worse, then I hope you are able to find a better place to talk to other people.

 

ive tried everything, and not a single thing makes me feel any better...i have not been able to sleep a full night or be happy in the least since april 27th....not sure what to do with it, but i guess i just have to suffer

 

also when i make the argument about my husband almost being almost thirty and it depresses me the only reason it depresses me is that means thats so many more years lost spending with any child we may have. if we had a child when he was 24 that would be 3 more years he could have spent with them....thats why it dpresses me so bad.

 

It takes time to heal. Take as much as you need.

As far as how much time your husband will have with your children, none of us know how much time we will have. I was 52 when I adopted my son. Yes he would probably have more time with a younger parent. But before we adopted him, he had no parents. We've had five beautiful years with him. I may die tomorrow or I may live to be 110. But it is important to savor those years you have together, not dwell on time you may lose because of someone's age. People die in their 20's or 30's all the time. Age is no guarantee of how long you will have with your child.

Kathi

 

yeah i know. i just feel like a life failure and a loser...all i wan is a family of my own and it hurts every day that my children are my cat and dog...it deeply saddens me