Your Daily dose of George Carlin

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 3-29/30-08)

"Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 3-31-08)

EXPRESSIONS / QUESTION

"LEGALLY DRUNK. Well, if it's legal, what's the problem? "Leave me alone, officer, I'm legally drunk!""

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-1-08)

"Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually an important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do grade-school teachers handle this?"

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-2-08)

TERRORISM EXPERT

"Televison news channels will often present some guest they identify as a terrorism expert. But you can take one look at himand see that he's clearly not a terrorism expert. He's a guy in a suit who obviously works in an office, And I say he's not a terrisom expert.

You know who's a terrorism expert? Osama bin laden. Ayman al-Zawahiri. The people they hang around with. Those are the terrorism experts. Has this guy in the suit ever blown anyone up? No. So why is he a terrorism expert?"

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-3-08)

CELEBRITY CRYSTAL BALL

"The Vatican will reveal that in 1996, when John Paul II's plane landed near the South Pole, in keeping whith his custom he kissed the tarmac, and his lips stuck to the ground."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-4-08)

THE GOOD BREAD

"When you make a sandwhich at home, do you reach down past the first few slices to get the really good bread? It's a survival thing: "Let my family eat the rotten bread. I'll take care of Numero Uno.""

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-5/6-08)

IDEA FLOW: BRAIN TO BRAIN

"Driving due south out of the hopeless, urban sprawl of Brain City, our idea squeezes through the Isthmus of Neck and, bearing right, travels swiftly across and over majestic Shoulder Falls. On, quickly, past Bicep Hill (which the loocals refer to as Mount Bicept) and suddenly into the tense and busy town of Elbow Junction.

A leisurely lunch, some extended masochism at the souvenir stand, and once again we're moving. Taking a sharp left turn, we embark on the long, boring passage across the plains of Western Forearm. More than halfway home now. Picking up speed, in no time we find ourselves passing through the Straits of Wrist, and then, at seemingly long last, our idea comes to rest on the rich delta of The Hand. Here it is loaded aboard the writing implement.

Our job is done; we've gotten the idea into the pen. Captain Paper Mate will take it from here, and, of course, many others will handle it as well, as it makes its was into your eyes and then on to your brain."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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splendid.

 

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-7-08)

"A woman whose town tells her she can't keep her pet pig, so she decides to move rather than give up the pig, is not news. It's just stupid."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-8-08)

"If someone says, "Have a nice weekend," I never say, "You too." Because I never know if, perhaps, by the time the weekend rolls around, I will have other plans for that person. Come Friday, I may wish to have them slain."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-9-08)

"I noticed in the newspaper that track and field has an event called the women's pole vault. It makes me wonder: With all the options available to her in this age, how does a young woman get interested in pole-vaulting? It seems like a bizarre choice. By the way, I hope you notice I completly ignored the obvious opportunity for a cheap phallic joke."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-10-08)

CELEBRITY CRYSTAL BALL

"Sharon Osbourne will claim she can accrately predict stock market trends by analyzing the stains in Ozzy's shorts."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-11-08)

"Spots are dots up close.

Dots are spots far away."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-12/13-08)

PLAY BALL

"No one, repeat, no one is interested in athletes who can sing or play musical instruments. We already have people to perform these tasks.They're called singers and musicians, and at least count, it would seem we have quite enough of them. The fact that someone with an IQ triple of his age has mastered a few simple chords is unimportant and of monumental disentrest. Play ball!"

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-14-08)

THE LATE-NIGHT NEWS

"A woman left her two-year-old son at a daycare center yesterday mornung says that when se returned to pick him up in the afternoon he was completly grown. Day care officals are crediting the hot-lunch program."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-15-08)

"Don't you gert tired of celebrities who explain their charity work by saying they feel they have to "give something back"? I don't feel that way. I didn't take nothin'. You can search my house; I didn't take a thing. Everything I got, I worked for, and it was given to me freely. I also paid taxes on it! I paid late. But I paid."

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-16-08)

I LIKE THESE JOKES!

"Passing gear: Clothing worn by light-skinned blacks who wan't to be thought of as white.

Outspoken: When you loose a debate.

Hormone: The sound a prostitute makes so you'll think you're a real good fuck.

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-17-08)

Two hundred skydivers holding hands in a big circle as they free-fall is not news. You know what's news? If all two hundred parachutes fail to open.

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-18-08)

Several months ago, a friend told me that when he was cleaning his garage he threw his back out. I told him it was probably over-enthusiasm. Sometimes when you're cleaning, you get carried away and throw out something you intended to keep. The next time I ran into him he seemed to have learned his lesson. He had receantly cleaned out his attic, but this he didn't throw his back out. He gave it to Goodwill.

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE

(For: 4-19/20-08)

I often think of how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school

3XCARLIN
AN ORGY OF GEORGE
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