Your daily joke thread!

At the end of WW2, King George, who suffered from a stammer, was handing out the medals to the RAF pilots.
When one of the pilots turn came, the king announced. Th-this me-medal is f-for sh-shooting d-down f-four f-focke-wulf 's
The pilot corrected him, explaining that he had shot five of them down.

The king replied. I d-dont c-care if y-you shot f-forty f-focke-wulf 's d-down. Y-you are s-still only g-getting one f-fucking m-medal.

 

The next time you give to charity, pray think of the rich people. Especially the billionaires. A teacher at CC once told us. The average billionaire lives in a modest house. Did you know that? But you know. They're the real heroes. Because for them, it's struggle, every day, just to make ends meet (I'm not kidding, the teacher actually said that).

 

If you go to bed at 5:59AM, you got in under the wire for "nightfall". Then when you sleep till 2PM, just tell your boss you overslept.

 

You know, people on Facebook used to think they could make me angry by changing their political views. That could never make me angry because I'm all about inclusion. Change your views just to make me angry? No then. What really makes me angry is people giving me free money!

 

Liberals do their dirty (sex, etc.) deeds in public. So we always know what they are doing. Christian conservatives, out of guilt, have to do it in private. So who knows what they are doing there (and I'm not saying it's always bad).


Just saying.

 

I was talking to a lady on the subject of emotional maturity. She said, she knows what I mean. She knew a 30 year old who acted like 29. I said, that's nothing. I knew a 25 year old who acted like 23. And it works both ways. Some are much more mature than their age. I knew an 8 year old who acted like 9. Oh, wait. No. She acted more like 9½. Incredible.

 

Those poor cartoon cats, Sylvester, Tom, etc. Why didn't their owners just feed them? OTOH, Wile Coyote was wild. So no one could feed him. But he was able to buy things like Acme Trampolines. Didn't Acme sell steaks?

 

Another true one from me.

We were driving along between the mountains on the west coast of Ireland late one afternoon and when we came around a bend, we came across the most amazing sunset that I have ever seen. With the dull red sunlight reflecting off the snow tipped mountains casting shadows down into the valley and lighting the spring vegetation, it was a shot that even Billy Williams would have died for.
We stopped the car, Jane got out to fetch the camera, but suddenly put it away again. She came over looking so disappointed and when I asked what was wrong, she said, "We don't have the flash unit, so we won't get the sun".

To this day, she cannot find the distance setting on the flash unit for 93 million miles.

 

True story BTW. Being a little hard of hearing can get you in trouble sometimes, even when it's not your fault. My aunt had significant hearing loss all her life. My mother I don't know. Sometimes she seemed a little hard of hearing. I know my Aunt I. seemed to have the best hearing in the family. Anyways, mother was taking a painting class. And a lady next to her started a conversation. My mother heard her say her son was artistic. My mother asked how long. She said, well, all his life, I guess. You must be so proud, my mother said.

She said her son was AU-tistic. My mother explained her mistake eventually though when she found out the truth.

 

And he was naked !! With no genitalia......with the "bread basket" there. Today they have him in boxer shorts...

 

Today's pithy advice:

Smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 5 minutes. Laughing increases life by 10 minutes. So a laughing smoker never dies!

 

I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw!!!

 

British people often ask us Americans why we pronounce that word "schedule" instead of "shedule" like they do. Well, as we like to tell them. They just don't teach us that type of thing in shool.

 

People think that in the RC Church St Mary Magdalen is the patron saint of prostitutes. We have no patron saint of prostitutes! She is the patron saint of REFORMED prostitutes. Get your mind out of the gutter people.

 

A guy down in San Diego tried to sell me a Casket.
I told him that's the last thing I need.

Just when you thought food couldn't use the telephone ... BOOM! Onion Rings.

Seriously ... Skeletons can't play gospel music... They don't have Organs.

 

Poor Sylvester the Cat and Wile E. Coyote. All they ever were trying to do was feed themselves. Then someone had to go and drop an anvil on their heads. But Wile Coyote. He could buy an Acme trampoline. Why didn't he just order Omaha Steaks then? ☂️☂️☂️☂️☂️☂️☂️

 

Here's an old story, it comes from the days when most men wore hats everywhere...

A beautiful young woman was crossing the street, in a flimsy dress and nothing else, when she was struck by a car. The impact threw her clean out of her flimsy dress and across the street where she landed completely naked and unconscious. As people rushed to her aid, one gentleman took his hat off and placed it over her crotch to give her what dignity he could.

Just then, Finnegan happened to be stumbling home from the bar when he came across the scene of the accident. He examined the girl for a moment. Then held his hand up pointing at her.

"The first thing we gotta do," he exclaimed, "is get that man out of there!"

 

Just heard this one from a German friend.

What is the difference between 2 European hunters and 2 American hunters going on a hunting trip.?

The European hunters shoot a couple of foxes.

The American hunters shoot each other.