Your daily joke thread!

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Today's challenge... Guess what animal this is and I'll drink a martini.

 

A guy with road rage leans out his window and screams, "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL!"

I yell back, "THANKS, BUT I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW!"

 

my friend David lost his id

now he's just Dav

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

 

THE WORLD'S DUMBEST CRIMINALS...


A woman reported her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was promptly arrested.


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


Harold and Jack are about to rob a bank. Harold says, "All right, Jack, now here's what to do: go into that bank with this gun and this bag, hold the gun on the teller and tell her to put all of the money in the bag, then run back out before the cops show up. Meanwhile, I'll be out here in the car, taking all the chances."

Jack says, "Now wait just a minute, Harold, If I'm the one running in there with the gun and the bag, getting the money and running back out before the cops show up, how are you the one taking all the chances?"

Harold replies, "Because I can't drive."


True story: In San Antonio, Texas a 45 year-old woman was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police she later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.


Another true story: A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window. "Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said. "Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied. "What!? As the victim or burglar?" the cop was quite shocked. "Burglar, sir. I have the loot in the back of the car." the man said calmly.


Another true story (this one happened in Australia): A 911 dispatcher gets a call from a man who is obviously drunk. And the conversation goes:

"911, what is your emergency?"
"[slurring his words] Yeah uhh... I think I just heard a... red car crash."
"Uh, you heard a RED car crash?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, uh, police are on their way."
[click]

The dispatcher later finds out that this guy was driving drunk and crashed his car not far from his house. The guy decides to get out of his car, stumble home, and dial 911 to report the fact that he heard a car crash. In his drunken mind, he figures he’d report the crash as someone who heard it and he’d get off, somehow. But he had to specify the color, because apparently a red car crashing sounds different than a blue car crashing.



Actual phone dispatch conversation (again in Australia):

"Sir can I see your drivers license?"
"I don't have one."
"Then why where you driving?"
"I wasn't I was traveling..."

 

Another completely true one.

On her first day working at an old people's home, a young newly qualified nurse was given the fairly simple job of cleaning the 50 or so patient's dentures after dinner and for health and safety reasons returning them the next morning.
After soaking them in an antibacterial solution, then carefully rinsing and drying them, she put them in a box ready for the next morning.

That was when the fun started.

 

A guy pulled up next to me at a traffic light claimed I had cut him off and exclaimed "I am going to make your life a living hell!"

I told him I was already in a relationship.

 

You know, they took all the welfare benefits from the poor in this country. And for the first time in US history Trump went after disability benefits. Because, it was said, it annoyed the MAGA crowd that disabled people don't work. Not that they can't, that they don't. I know the feeling. You want to get out of that store. And there's some guy in a wheelchair in front of you trying to shimmy his way thru the automatic door. And you wonder. "Why doesn't he just get up and walk for Christ's sake??"

You know he can't. But it's still annoying.

 

I never understood childish insults when I was a kid. Some of them were good though. "So funny I forgot to laugh". They should bring that one back. Now, "it takes one to know one". I used to ask people who said that. So you are admitting you are one then? Or one kid in GS used tell kids to perform a gay sex act on him when he was mad. I finally told him. You "want" us to? Are you trying to tell us something? I wonder what insults kids use today.

 

Warning Signs of a Cult.

1. The leader is always right.
2. Criticism of the leader or questioning the leader is considered persecution.
3. Anything the leader does is justified no matter how harmful it may be.
4. The leader is the only source of the truth, everybody else is lying.
5. Followers must be blindly devoted to the leader and never question him.
6. The members won't recognize they belong to a cult.
7. Leader's got bizarre red hair.

 

(Why don't we have a political satire thread on hipforums.com? Or maybe one for political memes too?)

 

When my father (b. 1933) was a small kid, he witnessed a car crash into a tree in front of his house. He was upset, and his mother gave him a glass of white wine. He told me it was just a home remedy of the day, to give your kid that.

It did calm him down. It has to be dry white wine, though you know. Red wine and wine with sugar will give you a headache.

 

I have few faults except one. Humility. It's just hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way.

 

My uncle was telling Polish jokes and my mother didn't like it. But my grandfather had a solution. Why not just tell Irish jokes then? (Any Irish people here? Know any good jokes like that?)

 

Half the people out there are really stupid. Three-quarters of all people know that.

 

In Bush v. Gore, 2000, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg descented saying "I disagree" and people were shocked. You see, she normally said "I respectfully disagree". People said it was the worst thing she ever wrote in a descent. Of course she could have wrote "I really disagree". But that would have been taking it too far.

 

What is Jesus's favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails.

 

You know, that Seven of Nine. She's difficult to date. When you first meet, she's all like "resistance is futile". And yet when you get fresh with her later it's all "I will not comply!"

 

Q: There are 3 men in a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?

A: They thew one cigarette overboard and make the boat A Cigarette Lighter..

 

I don't know if this would be considered a joke. It's more of a clever quip. My teacher in HS used it. It'd be great if you're a teacher (any teachers here?). Or if you work in an office.

We were done taking a quiz in his room. And we asked if he wanted them back. He said, file them in the circular file. We all looked around. Where was the circular file. The circular file in case you don't know is the waste basket. I'll be a lot people didn't know that.