Your daily joke thread!

Trump and Jesus. by Jimbee68 posted Jul 3, 2024 at 9:47 AM

 

You'd be surprised how quickly employees at Dick's Sporting Goods assist you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you start trying the hockey masks
on.

 

The Brady Bunch Home. by Jimbee68 posted Jul 8, 2024 at 4:43 AM

In 1974, a man who was an architech (though he worked briefly as city councilman in episode 4), could afford a home like this. And fit 8 people, plus their maid (who never got paid—now, someone explain that to me). And their Briard dog.

And they had a loft in the attic for Greg. Even though the house is plainly a ranch-style (explain that last one to me too).

What has Biden done to this country?

 

I Want To Stop Drinking... by Jimbee68 posted Jul 9, 2024 at 12:59 PM

 

So Many Contradictions... by Jimbee68 posted Jul 18, 2024 at 12:02 PM

 

Religious conservatives used to claim HIV infections were the wrath of God. But those new antiviral drugs came out in 1995 allowing those people to live longer, better lives. But now, gluttony. That does lead to colon cancer. It increases your risk up to 7%. So God has never forgiven people for that sin. And I wonder how many conservatives are guilty of gluttony.

 

I know of at least two...

 

If you want to be entertained for at least an hour, give your dog peanut butter. Then watch him try to get it off the roof of his mouth. Or if you want to be entertained for an hour, wait till you're getting your blood drawn, or something that requires them to wear examination gloves. Then insist on a bandaid. Then watch them struggle for at least 20 minutes as the bandaid keeps getting stuck to their glove. And if the bandaid sticks to itself, they have to get a new one. Then if you really want to make them angry, as you leave, tear off the bandaid and tell them you really didn't want it anyway.

That last one would be great for April Fools' Day.

 

That or the stick so well they take a hunk of your arm when you try to get them off...

 

My wife's 'female intuition' is so highly developed, she knows I'm wrong before I even open my mouth.

 

Why...

• Do Butterflies have to warm their wings before flying?

• Are a Lobster's teeth in his stomach?

• Are Bats the only mammal that flies?

• In 2004, did a Polish inventor invent edible dinner plates? (He was not the man who invented fluoridated holy water though. That was in the early 1900's and a different man.)

• Do you park in a driveway but drive in a parkway?

• Do Rednecks sometimes get road rage in their own driveways (according to Jeff Foxworthy)?

Why Ask Why? Enjoy a Snickers©℗® bar instead. They have almonds now.

 

Or why do I keep $500 of junk in my garage while I have $50,000 in cars that I have to keep in the driveway...?

 

You know, Joycelyn Elders who was Surgeon General under Bill Clinton, from 1993-4, was the only one there who I truly liked. She was qualified, she was open-minded and she told it like was. But that last one was getting her more and more in trouble with each passing scandal.

Finally when she said masturbation should be promoted (promoted as an option, not encouraged) to teenagers who wanted to have premarital sex, Bill Clinton said enough and fired her. She just had a poor way of expressing the issues, he told people.

Because it's not that Bill Clinton disagreed with masturbation. Well, he never commented on it, so we'll never know. But during his relation with Monica Lewinsky, 1995-1998, if he wanted to relieve sexual tension, all he had to do was masturbate. In the bathroom even. He could have done it on his coffee breaks.

 

"They call it larceny, I call it evidence."

-Linda Tripp, 1999.

I think Tripp was actually charged with wiretapping, and I don't even know if she really said this. But charges against her were eventually dropped, I remember. Anyone remember how the that story ended, with her and what she did, I mean?

 

God. Floods, hurricanes, famines. Mother Nature is a mother. But with a U not an O (like my great aunt used to say).

 

Now someone has to tell me if they find this funny too.

Well, it's kind of funny. Or at least I find it funny. The story behind Marie Antoinette allegedly saying this: Let them eat cake. Anyways, the actual French phrase is "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche" which translates as "let them eat brioche" not cake. "Cake" is wrong (I don't know why they even translate it that way).

But first the story. It was another "thoughtless" princess who said this, perhaps. But the story goes, the princess heard commotion outside her palace. And she asked a servant what was going on. And the servant said, Well, my lady. The peasants have no bread. Bread in French is pain. And she thought she meant "pain du jour". Nobility and peasants both enjoyed pain du jour. (Today we call it "French bread".) But the nobility also ate a superior kind of bread, brioche. Filled with eggs, and butter and heavy whipping cream. Oh, the princess thought. They're out of pain du jour? Well, when that happens, I just switch over to brioche. Do they have any in the pantry? You know when I have late night snacks, I often leave it under the bed. Have them check there.

Because you see, Marie Antoinette was uneducated. And frankly uncomplicated too. She spoke a little Latin, but no Greek. Also, her mother was the very powerful Maria Theresa, queen of Austria and the old holy Roman empire. They had enough of powerful women in that family. Antoinette was just meant to be married off, to solidify the political alliance between Austria and France. And then the French Revolution happened.

The French Revolution, contrary to popular misconception, wasn't a common man's revolution. It was actually a meeting of the Estates General due to the economic crisis that financing the American Revolution caused. The Estates General included the three Medieval estates, the peasantry, the nobility and the clergy. And the nobility still had the greatest control in that group. But French nobility had to blame someone. And they thought a woman would be best of course. King Louis XVI certainly did, because he never liked her anyways. But how could they blame her? Everyone knew how dumb and uneducated she was. So they started the rumor she was "thoughtless". And people went with that. People even started calling her "Madame Déficit" shortly before her execution, even though she barely knew math.

And then, as her husband hoped, he blamed her, by using what is called lifeboat ethics. Kind of in the same way that a billionaire dumps his wife for a young blonde girl, and then denies her any alimony. And she was soon executed, first at least, on 21 September 1792. But Louis XVI was just executed shortly after her, actually on the exact same day.

I just find that all funny for some reason.

 

"Sir, stop!! You're holding 200 million lives! In the palm of your hand!"

-Adam West (as vice cop busting William Shatner for pleasuring himself in a restroom stall),
Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,
28 November 2000.

 

They did a study. And when life begins for you may have something to do with your political persuasion. I'm serious. But, basically life begins for each of these groups...

Communist Girl: My body belongs to you, but my soul will always belong to the state.

Neo-Nazi: After we go to the beer garden, yah?

Swedish Socialist: I tank I go home now.

Eurocommunist: Pour dis I get a new dress, oui?

English Conformist: Rather pleasant, wot?

MAGA Girl: So can you really get me a screen test?

 

Some people say Adam and Eve were living in sin because let's face it, they never got a marriage certificate. Think about it. But Adam and Eve did it, fornicated, because God commanded them.

When God tells you to do something, it's no longer wrong. Remember that.

 

Q: What's long and hard and full of semen?

A: The QE2.

(Think about it for a moment.)