Your daily joke thread!

Some Christian churches still use chrism, or anointing oil. The recipe is in Exodus 30:22-23, and the RC church still uses it. The RC church just puts a little on your forehead. During baptism and in the confirmation ceremony. During last rites they put in on your eyelids too. But that is not what they used to do. They'd dump a whole jar of it on your head in Biblical times. And our HS religious teacher said that was for an important reason. So people would see you walking around for a couple of days with a greasy, shiny head. And they'd all say then. He's the anointed one.

But walking around a couple of days that way? And sleeping on the ground, in the dirt that way? With dust and straw getting stuck to your head?

Couldn't they just wear a crown?

 

A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."

 

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently HD was the wrong answer.

 

I just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like, oh! There’s a name for people like me. The answer was, “mice”.

 

I had this thing I used to do at my birthday party as a kid. They'd say make a wish and blow out the candles. And then sometimes, they'd ask me what I wished for. I said I asked to an infinite number of wishes. And they'd say, well you mean you asked for more wishes. And there's no such thing as an infinite number of wishes. I said, maybe not. But if you're going to wish for anything, you should wish for that. Because then you'll never run out of wishes. And as a kid, I'd always say the same prayers every night. But I'd always ask for just a little more than I needed from God, just to be on the safe side. I was going to ask God to make me a millionaire. But why stop there, I thought. Finally I made up a number that doesn't even existed. Or I thought maybe that was a number, and no one knew about it yet, or maybe I didn't. Because I thought, if I asked to an indefinite amount, I would leave the door open for more. Or at least I'd get something, I thought.

And, I was reading a story in grade school once. These kids found an amulet that granted wishes. But it was broken. They only found half of it. And it only granted half of what they wished for. So they thought it was useless, or at least annoying. But I thought at the time, there was a simple solution. They should have just asked for twice of what they wanted. Because twice of half is always a whole. It's simple math. But I guess that hadn't occurred to them (even though that story was fiction, and meant to be silly and entertaining anyways).

And I was just thinking about that last one now. If you ask a friend for money, and he says I'm low on funds. So I will only give you half of what you ask for. Ask him for twice of what you want. Because again, twice of half is always the whole. (But don't tell him that was not the original amount. If by that he meant he was only going to give you half of what you needed, not just asked for.)

 

Cecil Adams Microchip Theory. by Jimbee68 posted Nov 7, 2024 at 3:33 AM

 

My wife came home from WallMart, complaining that the cashier was a royal bitch.
Apparently, assuming she went through self-checkout was the wrong answer.

 

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults

CVM CATAPVLTÆ PROSCRIPTÆ ERVNT TVM SOLI PROSCRIPTI CATAPVLTAS HABEBVNT. by Jimbee68 posted Nov 11, 2024 at 1:05 PM

 

Julius Caesar once told a crowd of Romans. A military campaign in Gaul may sound bad. But he knew something that was much worse.

My New Motto. by Jimbee68 posted Nov 8, 2024 at 9:22 AM

 

They used to tell us Catholic school kids that the eucharist IS Jesus. We said, well it symbolizes Jesus. But it's made of bread, right? They said, no I said it IS Jesus. And we'd argue for a while. And then look around at each other puzzled.

My mother said when she was a little girl, the nuns told them. A man didn't believe that nonsense the host was Jesus. So he put it in his pocket. And when he got home, he stabbed with with steak knife. And blood came out.

My mother said, she had no idea what that meant either. But it did sound very scary.

 

Here are actual transcripts of 911 calls. They all are real.

Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?"
Caller: "I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the comer here."
Dispatcher: "Do you have an address?"
Caller: "No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks. Why?"

Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?"
Caller: "Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham-and-cheese sandwich."
Dispatcher: "Excuse me?"
Caller: "I made a ham-and-cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I come back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it."
Dispatcher: "Was anything else taken?"
Caller: "No. But this has happened to me before, and I'm sick and tired of it."

Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one."
Caller: "Hi, is this the police?"
Dispatcher: "This is 911. Do you need police assistance?"
Caller: "Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before."

Dispatcher: "Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?"
Caller: "Fire, I guess."
Dispatcher: "How can I help you, sir?"
Caller: "I was wondering... does the Fire Department put snow chains on their trucks?"
Dispatcher: "Yes, sir. Do you have an emergency?"
Caller: "Well, I've spent the last four hours trying to put these darn chains on my tires and...well...do you think the Fire Department could come over and help me?"
Dispatcher: "Help you what?"
Caller: "Help me get these damn chains on my car!"

 

Actual Court Transcripts...

Q: "What is your date of birth?"
A: "July fifteenth."
Q: "What year?"
A: "Every year."

Q: "What gear were you in at the moment of impact?"
A: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Q: "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."

Q: "This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: "Yes."
Q: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
A: "I forget."
Q: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten..."

Q: "How old is your son-the one living with you."
A: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Q: "How long has he lived with you?"
A: "Forty-five years."

Q: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"
A: "He said, 'Where am I Cathy?'"
Q: "And why did that upset you?"
A: "My name is Susan."

Q: "And where was the location of the accident?"
A: "Approximately milepost 499."
Q: "And where is milepost 499?"
A: "Probably between milepost 498 and 500."

Q: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
A: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Q: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
A: "After the accident?"
Q: "Before the accident."
A: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it..."

Q: "Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?"
A: "We both do."
Q: "Voodoo?"
A: "We do."
Q: "You do?"
A: "Yes, voodoo."

Q: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
A: "Yes, sir."
Q: "What did she say?"
A: "What disco am I at?""

 

That is just so typical of life in Ireland.
I too doubt that it was a joke.

Many years ago, one of Jane's brothers got home late, complaining that he had car trouble and needed a few guys to help him get the car back home.
My offer seemed to ignored, saying that he needed younger guys. Being an engineer I still tagged along and I suddenly realised why my help was not what they needed. When we got to the car, it was in a ditch, upside down on its roof

 

You know, my aunt once told us this story. She was at the bank withdrawing money. This was when people still used those bank teller windows. Most people didn't use ATM's yet. So she had a lot of loose change. And she used to always do the same thing. Slowly count her change when she got to the car. But this old lady behind her kept honking her horn. She wanted that spot, and thought my aunt was taking too long counting. But she was making my aunt loose her place. My aunt would go "...one penny, two pennies, three..." and the lady would honk, and she'd have to start over.

Finally the old lady had enough, and went to the driver's side window, to give my aunt a piece of her mind. She rose her arm to pound on the window really hard. But when she did, she seemed to almost disappear. My aunt her son looked around. What happened to that old lady? Actually, it was wintertime, and there was a patch of ice right by the window. And when the woman ran up to the car to pound on the window (probably breaking the window, she was so angry my aunt said), she slid under the car.

I think they call that karma. That, or poetic justice.

 

Like I said, in the 1980's I didn't support Ronald Reagan, and I never would have voted for him. I've been a Democrat all my life. But I always thought the nuclear disarmament issue was kind of a stupid one IAE. And people were way too focused on it too I thought. There were more important issues then, you know.

Like one time I saw a young woman driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "You can't hug your kids with nuclear arms". Well first, I wanted to tell her, focusing on that issue in any way was a waste of time. And I felt like telling her, "Is anyone asking you to, lady?"

 

Salons always have hair on the floor.
Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?

 

“Testiculos habet et bene pendentes.”

-The College of Cardinals,
choosing a new Pope.