Your daily joke thread!

They actually do. At least Chimpanzees do...
They have a Hierarchical society as well, they form coalitions, use tools, have problem solving skills and they are omnivores.
They hunt and gather, and Generally they eat meat raw, only because they don't have the ability of fire control, but will eat cooked meat if they find it from an accidental fire or they come across meat that human's have cooked.

 

A conservative Christian posted online:

If you believe Christ belongs in Christmas, Amen

My answer: No. Because it's pronounced with a short I, not a long I. If that sentence is read phonetically as written, it wouldn't make sense.

You see, the English word Christ comes from the Greek word Χριστός (khristos). In old English it was pronounced with a short /I/ or sometimes a long /i/. We used to say "Krees-tos", and we still use this old pronunciation in words like Christmas, Christian, Christianity and Christendom. The "t" in "Christmas" was last commonly pronounced in English sometime during the 1600s. Just like in words like listen, often and soften.

 

"There's two ways of looking at a free root canal."

-Me.

 

“Animals are not here for us to do as we please with. We are not their superiors, we are their equals. We are their family. Be kind to them.”

Ricky Gervais.

Mr. Gervais, do your animals pay the bills? Do they feed themselves? Do they feed you? And are you going to let them eat what they want, go where they wish, do what they wish, fight all they want, mate at will, etc.? Enough said.

EDIT: And I included the whole quote. Of course I think they are family and we should be kind to them. But the rest is nonsense.

 

Interesting COVID19 Facts (according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention):

* The virus can travel 6', it can not travel 6'1" or greater.

* It can live on all surfaces except anything that comes in the mail from Amazon, it does not live in Target, Walmart, Home Depot, Lowe's or any grocery store.

* It's harmless in protests, riots and looting. It is only deadly in bars, restaurants, small businesses, hair salons

* And, it can not live on your food as long as you get it to go.

 

Just getting serious here for a moment. People sometimes tell me you can't get to heaven. If you are something like Jewish, Catholic or gay. But no, I tell them. You can't enter heaven unless Jesus enters you. And that fact is universal, I tell them.

And people picket and protest. But don't become politically active I tell them. Because God doesn't like that. No, the best way to the top is on your knees I tell them again. Always remember that everyone.

 

Did you ever notice how corny the dialogue is in some old literature? Not just words and phrases that we don't use anymore, but the dialogue seems silly and even unlikely. I've noticed this in Shakespeare. And in works like A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. For example in A Christmas Carol, the two gentlemen just don't seem to be getting the hint from Ebenezer Scrooge that he's not going to give them any money:

"So what can I put you down for?"

"Nothing!"​

"You wish to be anonymous?"

"No, first I'd rather eat poisonous toads."​

"Oh, I see. And then after you eat the poisonous toads, how will you give us the money?"

"Well, I guess I'll stick it up you @sses."​

"Oh. And when you do that, will it be in denominations of tens or twenties?"

I wonder if people really talked that way, they were trying to make a point. Or maybe it was poetic license or theater of the absurd, as I've heard some people call it. The writer is deliberately writing something ridiculous for some reason.

 

DATE: I don't want to see you anymore.
DUMB BLONDE: Why? What did I do?
DATE: It's not you personally. It's your grammar.
DUMB BLONDE: My grammar?? My grammar?? You leave her her out of this! What did she do?

 

I once knew a chess player. I've heard some chess players bait their players by using things like the Lasker Trap or the Rubinstein Trap. But he was a master baiter, and he did it often. I wonder what ever happened to him.

 

Fall is coming, and soon the ciders will be in season. You know, Angry Orchard makes an excellent pale cider and a very good hard cider. Where I live we also have the local brand Dickens Cider. I never tried it, so I don't know how it tastes. But a man once told me his girl friend just loves a hard Dickens Cider when she's drunk.

But you know being drunk can significantly impair your sense of taste, often causing a decreased ability to perceive flavors, particularly sweetness, due to the numbing effect alcohol has on taste buds and the nerve pathways associated with taste perception. And heavy alcohol consumption can lead to long-term damage to taste receptors along with other health risks.

 

You know, Hollywood actress Sharon Stone said all the people who voted for Trump are dumb and uneducated. And I asked my friend who did vote for Trump what his view of that was. And he put it this way. His brother and sister are much more educated. And voted for Harris. So I asked him, "Bitter?" And he said, "Yep. Bit 'im too."

 

People sometimes tell me Rob Reiner says he will set himself on fire when Donald Trump becomes the president. And I tell them, now some people like the Meathead. And they like Rob Reiner too.

 

One joke I've always liked is based on verbal irony. When you talk about President Grove Cleveland you have to keep using the word nonconsecutive. Because when you start telling people he was both the 22nd and 24th president of the United States, they say that couldn't be. And you have to keep explaining, no you don't understand. He served as president on two nonconsecutive occasions. Like on the Simpsons episode Two Bad Neighbors, Homer Simpson gets angry that President George Bush, Sr. spanks Bart. For accidentally shredding his memoirs with an outboard motor. And when Grampa Simpson hears that, he says "Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions."

I don't know if everyone gets that joke.

 

A lady (and this is a true story) told me she had proof God doesn't give you everything you want. Because she'd ask for a million dollars on her bed and then open her eyes and look. AND IT WAS NEVER THERE.

True story, as I said.

 

Creation science? Well, I say the moon is made of green cheese. And my proof is that I won't listen to reason.

 

Trump could pardon himself? Well, I guess a judge could take his own case and try himself. And then find himself not guilty or declare a mistrial. Because he's a judge and he'd know how. But I still don't think it's a good idea.

 

When someone asks you what time it is, tell them. When you ask someone what time it is it's always the same time. It's time to get a watch.

 

People Who Claim Trump Was Responsible For January 6th... by Jimbee68 posted Jan 20, 2025 at 8:38 AM

 

"Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real, Then how did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?"

Recent poster online.

 

People say that you are entitled to your opinion but not your facts. True. But I can cover my ears and hum loudly if I don't want to hear you. And then picket a book store because they have books on evolution if I'm a creationist (or cook books, if I'm a vegan). And if they still sell those books, I'll pee on their bathroom floor.