Your daily joke thread!

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Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?

Because rear defroster was already taken.

Why is Pride always celebrated in the summer?

Pride always cometh before the fall.

My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

 

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Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses he knowses his toeses aren’t roses, like Moses supposes he toeses to be.

 

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A 10-year-old girl asks her mom, “Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied:
“Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom."

What did Yoda say when the bakery was out of Pies?

Dough. Or Doughnut. There is no Pie.

What’s a pirate’s favorite file type?

.rar

 

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(You know laughter distances us from our problems, and helps us deal with potential tragedies. That is the real reason why some jokes seem to make light of certain issues. That having been said...)

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?

By leaving the plunger in the toilet.

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?

By rearranging the living room furniture.

Why was Helen Keller's leg always yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

 

If you're NOT a dad but tell a dad joke, you're a faux pas

 

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I ONCE MADE FRIENDS WITH A SHARK.

With friends like these, who needs anemones?

 

Poetry is sometimes funny too. Here:

"

Sir, I admit your general rule,
That every poet is a fool,
But you yourself may serve to show it,
That every fool is not a poet. "​

Samuel Taylor Coleridge