zengizmo's Psi Hi Thread

..Double post

 

Thank you very much for the (what I consider) a compliment, for I also feel it comes from Deanna....there are times I feel close to automatic writing/typing when I respond to you.
I have been through my own recent trama (since Christmas) and if you would like, you could refer to the Pets and Animals (forum?) under the thread "Animal Trapped in Bldg Across Road; Owner/Renter A-holes". There is a story; but that sort of sums it up; except for the owner and renter are 2 different a-holes. I only bring it up because you had mentioned trama earlier, and I find this situation MOST traumatic...like even WHY IN THE HELL did I even hear that flippin' cat crying from across the road.
So, if you get any insights or flashes into the true "why(s)" of this, I'd be most appreciative.

Another thing...the Edgar Cayce book...I almost fainted (not really, but rather taken aback) because I not only have one, I love it...it is the "Edgar Cayce Companion"...for you to have put that note in a Cayce book...I guess she felt she just better SAY something to your nail-in-your-head-ass. no offence. That was then, this is now.

 

This is an interesting observation, Lynn. Repeatedly when I read your posts in this thread, I thought you must be getting spiritual direction from SOMEWHERE, cuz your comments and questions repeatedly moved the thread in exactly the right direction, at a faster pace than I had at first intended to go. It seemed as if you were prompting specific stories and responses from me. This is a confirmation to me as well that this thread had some definite spiritual overseers to accomplish some specific purposes.

I just read that thread, Lynn. So sorry you have to deal with this. I know a bit about the good old boy network. There are networks everywhere, some more visible than others, and some more just and fair than others. The town Deanna lives in, where I lived for 11 years, is dominated by the state government. And Deanna has networks of her own...and uses them...sometimes to mess with me...

As an "outsider," my networks there were extremely limited and not overly effective. I think where I am now, the networks are fairer and less acquaintance-based.

As far as the meaning of your situation, I can only guess. Could be to teach you that maybe you're not as helpless as you might think...if it were me, I'd be thinking of a way to break or hacksaw that lock on the sly. And Orison's suggestions were good - he's a guy who knows his way around obstacles. It takes some courage...but it gets easier after you've found your own power a few times.

That's something I got from Deanna, when I first figured out there was more to her than meets the eye. I told her my trials with "Dani," and Deanna blurted out, "Oh, you need courage - I'm going to give you a book that will help you." And she's put me through all kinds of hell that has pushed me to do some things I never would have imagined doing before.

Oh, you might use your own little network involving your friend and her fireman husband. Maybe you need to find and create your OWN network.

Yup, I acknowledge my sorry-assedness. And I would just suggest: Think about your situation with the cat. Now multiply that by four years' duration, continuous, with similar atrocities piled on top of it. This little mental exercise should give you an idea of my state of mind at that time.

If you ever think to yourself, "I would never be that bad," watch out - at some point the spirits are going to show you that not only are you that bad, but they could even arrange things so that you become worse than that. Until you've found every dark and scary aspect of yourself and accepted it, you don't know yourself, and you can't be entirely whole in your spirit. Everybody needs to do these things...

 

Lordy, Zg, I KNOW I could be just freakin awful....I strive not to be.
Seriously.
It's like I allow my conscience to guide me often, really cause its safer (lol) that way.
Like now, I'm letting my "conscience" guide me, but I also think I'm actively "thinking on my own" - but I'm probably not...right?
I learned long ago, my friend, never but never think I wouldn't do something...That was sooooo awful...bla bla bla. Yeah, I learn things the hard way - usually by doing them and knowing I was eating loads of crow. Silent crow, but crow just the same.

 

We always choose with a guide, but the debate is not between conscience and
irresponsibility. The debate is between the ego, a sense of self that must be cultivated and defended, and an inherent nature that that is free from anxiety.

 

And that's just the thought I needed for today's meditations.

 

And that thought led to this thought:

I think I understand a lot...but there are still a lot of mysteries to me. This is one of them.

I think it was in December 2002, when Deanna was already my mental companion, that she showed up outside at breaktime one day with a hoarse voice. She explained to me that she'd become frustrated by her two daughters' habits of making messes and not cleaning them up (she was a single mom), and having to push them and clean up herself all the time. Plus I'm thinking she was probably fed up with having to do the single mom thing altogether. And so she had a meltdown - yelled at her daughters about them never helping and etc. and etc. And btw the effectiveness of her meltdown was demonstrated by her older daughter's remark when it was over - something to the effect of, "You're having a conniption, Mom."

So the mystery to me is this: Deanna was already a highly gifted psychic at that point. I have thought that the gifts came from the loss - or subjugation - of the ego. Yet this episode would seem to indicate otherwise.

Of course, Deanna showed amazing emotional self-control on almost every other occasion I noticed. Maybe she slipped this once...?

The question is also appropos at the moment because in my mind last night she was saying that I needed more emotional control. She frequently slaps me around mentally, testing for my reaction. Sometimes I lose it and get pissed at her. Lately though I'm becoming more apt to shoot her a dryly cutting or humorous remark instead. Sometimes when I do this she lets me realize what I just did, and then in my mind she says, "Good."

Doggie treats.

However if emotional control is one of the spiritual goals for me...well, I just keep wondering about her meltdown incident years ago.

 

About the meltdown with her daughters...if there is a living, breathing creature(s) that can Try You and cause a person that would otherwise never have a breakdown, it is one's own child (or especially children). I have personally found female children to have capabilities/skills of aggravation that would try Job's patience. No matter how gifted one is as long as one is in flesh, short of being God(dess), in dealing with kids as a single mom, you will eventually have a "conniption".
Even if only once.

 

Oh, I know about the trials of raising kids, Lynn - I have seven, and one of them helped us get to know the local police force on a more personal basis.

And actually I already resolved this issue in my mind last night - and wrote Deanna a couple of long emails discussing it.

It wasn't merely the problems with her daughters and their messes. It was kind of a culmination of enduring major shit in her life. Two marriages from hell, career disappointments, and financial ruin - and about this time the guy she had been seeing regularly turned on her - she woke in the middle of the night to confirm a psychic impression, and found that he had said in an online profile that he disliked "brainiacs" - she took this as an aspersion on herself. And this all happened at the time she and I were getting very close - and she could see I adored her practically to the point of worship, and she could see how I supported my wife in our family struggles, whereas I was "unavailable," and Deanna had to continue dealing with all her own shit all by herself...

It's a wonder she did as well as she did. After some meditation last night on this issue, I can see very well how coming home to find the house in a mess from ungrateful daughters could be the last straw that released the animal in her psyche from its cage...

And I think that's what it was. I've experienced this myself. An agonized rage seems to arise suddenly out of nowhere - but in retrospect I see how I brought it on by my thoughts of self-pity just moments before.

She has had some learning experiences too...she told me once about how she used to have screaming matches with her first husband - who was lying to her and cheating on her...

If she'd been perfect, she'd be the wrong person to be my spiritual mentor, cuz I have been a mess on too many occasions to count.